


Mending

by Chelidona (Hobbity)



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU, Character Development, Developing Relationship, Disability, Disabled Character, Loki Has Issues, Loki and Thor Are Not Related, M/M, Quadriplegia, Second Chances, Some Fluff, Some angst, Tetraplegia, Thor has a lot to learn, Trust Issues, Wheelchairs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 01:03:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 47,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4080610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years ago, Thor left Loki. When Loki was in the hospital. Dealing with the fact that he was now paralysed from the chest down. <br/>When Thor comes back into his life two years later, the spark is back, but Loki’s mistrust and Thor’s guilt are a bad basis for a relationship.<br/>They have to work hard to rebuild trust and fight their demons to find happiness together again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A day in July

**Author's Note:**

> This fiction was born out of reading several Thor/Loki fanfictions and wondering what Thor, as he was at the beginning of the first movie, would do if something serious happened to Loki. I came up with tetraplegia mainly because while I was thinking about it, I came across a short article on tetraplegia. I did some research for this fic, but I will be the first to admit that I have no first-hand experience with the condition. I did my best to portray it as realistically as I could, but there will inevitably be inaccuracies or possibly things that are just plain wrong. I try not to focus on it too much to avoid as many blunders as possible (and also because the focus is their relationship of course).  
> In this AU, Asgard is a Scandinavian country, located on an island somewhere between Scotland and Norway. Their native language is Aesir.  
> 

The doorbell rang just as Loki had decided on a documentary on Netflix. He was alone this evening, a rare event. Typical that today would be the day that someone was on the door. He sighed and let the documentary start anyway. It was bothersome enough to get it going. He wheeled himself to the door cursing whoever interrupted his evening. 

Even if Odin and Frigga had forgotten their keys, they shouldn’t be back for a couple of hours and he didn’t expect anybody. Since Loki couldn’t see out of the window very well and had troubles with the intercom initially (those blasted fiddly little buttons) Odin had taken the opportunity to install a security camera at the front door. The man always went overboard and Loki suspected that he had just waited for the opportunity to do so. 

Loki was okay with the intercom now, but he still glanced at the little screen above the door. He froze when he recognized the two large blond men on the porch. Thor. And Fandral, his faithful shadow. What was his ex doing here? He was supposed to be on a camping trip as far as Loki knew. With Fandral actually. It figured that Thor would show up at his parents’ house unannounced when only Loki was at home. 

Thor rang the bell again, obviously impatient and Loki could hear his roar for “Mother? Father?” Thor was always so dramatic and boisterous. Odin’s son, clearly. He only got his good looks from Frigga but none of her grace or restraint. Reasoning that he couldn’t very well deny Thor entry to Thor’s parents’ house, even though he really didn't want to interact with him, he pressed the button to open the door.

“Odin and Frigga are out,” he informed them, by way of greeting. He had the small satisfaction that Thor looked a bit uncomfortable, but he strode in anyway, Fandral swaggering behind as usual.

“Hello Loki,” Fandral purred a bit belatedly, flirting as per his habit. Loki doubted that Fandral could switch it off.

“Hi Fandral. Hello Thor.” 

There. He got manners. Unlike that great big oaf, currently tugging his shoes off.

“Hey Loki”, Thor mumbled without looking back at him. 

“We’re sorry we intrude like this”, Fandral started but Thor frowned at him.

“This is my home. We do not intrude here.” 

He glared at Loki, as if to say “My home. Not yours” even though Loki was currently officially living here while Thor had his own small apartment in Thrudheim, where he had remained as part of the team of sport instructor’s at his old university, mainly responsible for the football team. 

He hadn’t really visited much (make that: once, for Yule) since Frigga had decided to become the primary carer for her son’s ex-boyfriend after he was left paralysed after an unfortunate encounter with a lorry. Although, at the time of the accident, Thor had been his boyfriend. 

Thor didn’t want to deal with an injured boyfriend and broke up with him in hospital. Laufey, his own father, had naturally decided that he couldn’t be bothered with a tetraplegic son. He had barely ever bothered to be a father to Loki when he was able-bodied so that hadn’t come as a shock. 

What had come as a shock was Frigga, a woman who owed him no obligations whatsoever, had swooped in as soon as she heard what happened, and offered to take him into her (and Odin’s, unfortunately) home and take care of him until he felt ready to live independently again. It had been the one positive thing that happened after his accident, and if Odin looked less than pleased and if it would keep the arsehole who abandoned him in his time of need in his life, he could ignore those inconveniences.

 

Thor, said arsehole, was now clonking around the kitchen with Fandral in search of food. Loki had retired to the living room again to catch up with the documentary. It was on Antarctica, a continent that had always fascinated Loki. He loved frozen landscapes. The vast expanses of snow and ice in Antarctica were just the epitome of sublime and he regretted that he would never go there. His thoughts drifted, while he could barely concentrate on the commentary. It was inane anyway. It always was.

 

Sometime later Fandral emerged from the kitchen to ask if Loki wanted a drink. He declined rather waspishly. He had made some progress completing everyday tasks with paralysed fingers but holding a cup or a water bottle was not among them. He’d die of dehydration before he suffered through the humiliation of asking Thor (or Thor's best friend, same thing really) to find the straw he had to use. 

Fandral disappeared but unfortunately he reappeared a moment later with Thor in tow, both with a can of beer in hand. Lovely. Thor sat down in Odin's fauteuil. Fandral let himself fall onto the couch, then he grinned somewhat apologetically at Loki.

“I’m sure you are wondering what the heck we’re doing here.”

Loki shrugged his shoulders. “Surprising Thor and Frigga?”

Fandral had the audacity to laugh. “That’d be a good excuse. But seriously, we got into some trouble.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Oh, stop it.” Thor glared at him. “Our van got stolen. With our phones, our wallets and everything else inside it. That’s why we couldn’t call before we came. We weren’t that far away from here, so we hitched a ride.”

“After you talked to the police, I assume.”

“Obviously.” Thor’s voice was flat.

"And you seriously just left all your stuff in that van when you got out?"

"We were just cooling off in a little stream, we were gone for what, 10 minutes or so?" Fandral looked at Thor for confirmation, but Thor merely scowled.

Silence descended. The only noise was the commentator on screen and the knocking sound of Loki’s left foot as it clonked against his footrest. Of course he would have spasms when Thor visited. They weren’t too bad, so he decided not to do anything for the moment. He rather welcomed the distraction from Thor’s presence.

Loki didn't ask why they hadn't planned to drop in anyway if they were going to be this close to Walis, their hometown. The answer was painfully obvious. Fandral’s parents and siblings had all moved away. Thor had wanted to avoid him. 

His ex-boyfriend still considered him so disgusting that he didn't even want to visit his parents for one night while he was in the house. Frigga didn't deserve a son like that. 

 

A while later, Loki’s spasms stopped. Thor was still frowning deeply when he looked over to Loki. Then he looked to the screen. The documentary had moved from landscape to penguins and sea lions munching on penguins. 

"Who decided that we watch this crap anyway?" For somebody with such a deep, dark voice, his tone could be that of a petulant five year old. Loki raised his eyebrows as coolly as he could.

"I started watching it before I knew I would have the pleasure to entertain you tonight."

"I'm sorry, are we inconveniencing you?"

One thing that had always distinguished Thor from other jocks was his tendency to use fancy vocabulary. Courtesy of having parents with a broad range of vocabulary. And Thor had added a sarcastic tone to his repertoire. Loki idly wondered if that was thanks to having lived with him. 

He rolled his eyes at Thor, then he looked to Fandral.

“Pick a movie”, he offered magnanimously. 

After a moment of hesitation Fandral got up to take the remote from Loki and he and Thor bickered over the choice of movie, until they settled for the first episode of Dr.Who which Fandral had apparently never watched. Loki approved of the choice, even if he didn’t vocalize his approval. He actually liked the series. It had been Loki who had introduced Thor to it. He wondered if Thor remembered. 

 

Two hours later, Frigga and Odin returned home. They were understandably surprised but delighted to see their son. Unfortunately, as soon as Frigga had finished fussing over Thor (her poor big baby boy who needed hugs and sweets after his scary experience) she proceeded to fussing over Loki, who had just enjoyed Thor’s squirming. 

It was his turn to squirm now, as Frigga insisted that he must be dehydrated and placed his water bottle in front of him and remarked how she really should have thought about this before she left the house. He was actually parched and so he reluctantly sipped the water. 

Thor was ignoring him anyway, on purpose it seemed, while he and Fandral discussed their next steps after their mishap with Odin, who relished the opportunity to dish out advice. It was, however, getting late as Frigga reminded them soon. 

She promised to set up a guest mattress in Thor’s old room right after she settled Loki in for the night. Loki avoided looking in the direction of Thor and Fandral when she announced that. He had just about gotten used to the fact that she had to put him in bed every night. 

He was not ready to deal with disgust on the face of the only man he had ever loved. He hated Thor even more when he realised that the blasted oaf still had the capability to hurt him. 

 

As they got Loki ready for the night, Loki politely enquired after the performance they’ve seen in the theatre. Odin had surprised Frigga by getting tickets for a performance of Coriolanus, one of Loki’s favourite Shakespeare plays. And one that he had himself appeared him when he was still in school, still dreaming of a career as an actor. As soon as Loki was comfortably settled under his covers, Frigga gently smoothed his hair back.

“Are you okay Loki?”

“Yes, I’m comfortable.” He smiled, expecting her to leave now to take care of Fandral’s mattress. Her hand stayed on his head, however.

“I mean with Thor and Fandral being here. I know you and Thor …. You haven’t really interacted since … well he has hardly even been here since ....”

Ordinarily, Loki enjoyed watching people squirm. This was Frigga however, so he interrupted her while putting on his best comforting smile.

“I’m fine, Frigga. This is Thor’s home, after all. Thor and I broke up nearly 2 years ago and I’m sure we can be adults.” 

At least Loki could.

Frigga chuckled a bit. “One would hope so.” She rose and Loki realised that she was very tired. “Sleep well, darling.”

 

When she was gone he stared at the ceiling. The accident had happened nearly two years ago. And it wasn’t as if he couldn’t understand Thor for not wanting someone as crippled as him in his life. Still, he felt a tight knot forming in his chest. He had few clear memories of those first few days after he'd woken up in hospital after the accident. Not being able to move anything back then. The capability to move his arms (somewhat) came back soon enough, but lying there absolutely helpless had been traumatic. 

Coupled with the heavy pain meds, it all seemed a blur in retrospect. But he very clearly remembered the first time he had seen Thor again. His golden, oh so perfect boyfriend. He had been vaguely aware that Thor had been absent when he woke up and for what seemed like a few days after that. When he had seen Thor, he had felt so happy, until he realised that the strange look on Thor's face was disgust. 

He wasn't sure if they made any kind of conversation, but he remembered Thor's final word crystal clear:

"I’m sorry Loki, I just can’t do this. This ... this isn't you. I can't. I just can't. You must understand."

Loki hadn't been sure he understood anything. It certainly felt as if he had been hit by the lorry for a second time. Not only had he lost control over his body, he had also lost his boyfriend. All his plans for the future. He knew he didn’t give any reply. 

His jaws clenched painfully even now, when he just remembered it, two years later.

Thor must have left shortly after that. He remembered crying and not being able to even dry his own tears. He remembered Frigga coming in next, looking furious. Or maybe that's what he hoped she looked like. He couldn't be sure. But he knew she had been there to comfort him, wiping tears and snot away (and back then he had been so embarrassed by that). She had gently stroked his hair. He had felt like a small child again, back when his mother was alive and would comfort him. 

Sigyn had also come and comforted him later. The colourful swearwords she had used to describe Thor's action had cheered him up. But it was Frigga whom he clung to as if she was his lifeline. That night did not remain the only time he cried in her arms. 

And Frigga, sweet Frigga, had still tried to comfort him tonight. Asking him if she was okay with her own son being here. They had never really talked about Thor's actions. Loki knew she was horribly disappointed in her son, but he didn't grudge her for the fact, that she had never admitted that out loud.

 

He heard Thor's laugh through the ceiling and closed his eyes as if in pain. No, he really wasn't fine with Thor being here. Thor’s deep laugh still made him shiver just as it had always done, but now it was also a sharp reminder that Thor was not his boyfriend anymore.

He was sure that normally one would be over a break-up after nearly 2 years. But with the added task of coping with tetraplegia, not only the loss of his mobility but the loss of independence, something Loki had always held very dear, he had never really dealt with the break-up. 

He felt tears building up again and he tried to stop himself from dwelling on the past and Thor. He had been making progress, truly. Even his therapist, Heimdall, said so. Before he went on an extended summer holiday to attend a cousin’s wedding in Senegal, his mother’s home country. He had assured Heimdall and Heimdall had believed that he would be okay with two months without therapy sessions. 

Of course that was before he knew Thor would break into his life again and upset any progress he had made. He felt nearly as frustrated as back in hospital. He scrubbed at his eyes, willing his tears to stay back. There had been too many minor melt-downs already. And he wouldn't permit Thor, the heartless bastard, to be the cause of another one.


	2. The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past - How Loki and Thor met, his accident and how Loki came to live with Thor's parents.

The first time Loki saw Thor, he thought he was hallucinating. He figured that somebody must have done something to the cake or his drink. There was no way such a man could exist. He was practically a god. Not quite the tallest man in the room, but his perfectly shaped bulky body eclipsed everybody else. Messy blond hair, blond scruff, gorgeous crystal blue eyes as clear as a glacial lake, yet holding warmth. If some entity had somehow extracted Loki’s ideal man from his brain to give that idea an actual body, it would have been Thor Borsen.

Sigyn, his best friend, assured him later, that he had actually managed to keep his aloof stance and expression, although at the time it certainly didn’t feel like it. They were at a party – Tony, his newest acquaintance at the time, had assured him it would be a small party. They had very different ideas about “small” parties. 

It was his second year of university, but he and Sigyn had just transferred from Jotunheim to Thrudheim. Sigyn had befriended a girl named Virginia Potts who called herself Pepper. That would have scared Loki off. His best friend, however, was much more tolerant towards other people's quirks. And somehow that led to them meeting Pepper’s on-off boyfriend Tony Stark. Which in turn led to an invitation to a “small” party in Tony’s house (palace really). Which led to Loki doing his very best to ignore the walking embodiment of his erotic fantasies. 

He told himself, that the man must be a gym-addict. Possibly taking illegal drugs to achieve the results. Only eye-candy, nothing more. Didn't those drugs inhibit sexual performance? He slunk around in the background of the party, as was his wont. Apart from Sigyn he had trouble relating to people. 

 

The next morning, Loki stumbled into him in the dormitory’s kitchen. Literally stumbled. While he was normally graceful, he had had rather more to drink than he was used to at Tony’s party and also less sleep than he was used to. 

When he saw Thor in the kitchen putting the kettle on as if it was a completely normal event to see the object of your (wet) dreams standing in front of you in the morning he had managed to trip over his own feet. 

Thor caught him, before he could at least have stumbled into his broad chest and put him upright again.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine. I’m fine.”

Thor laughed. The sound was just as large as he was himself. “There’s enough water for another cup of tea if you need it.”

“Thank you, I do.”

Thor extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Thor. You were at Tony’s party last night, right?”

“Right.” And then, after a pause while he contemplated how beautiful blue eyes should be outlawed, he took the large warm hand. “I’m Loki.”

“Nice to meet you, Loki. Do you live on this floor?”

“Obviously.” Gorgeous or not, it was way too early for such insipid questions.

“Sorry. I just haven’t seen you around before.”

After they both had some tea, their talk went much more smoothly. They established that it was Thor’s third year at Thrudheim University, that he didn’t actually live in the dormitory but had stayed in his friend’s room after he had helped him home. Loki revealed that he was in his second year, had just switched to Thrudheim from Jotunheim and planned to find an apartment with Sigyn, his best friend, after the first year.

How that conversation led to their first date, the next night, was never quite clear to Loki, he had conducted that conversation as in a trance. Apparently he had bemoaned the fact that he hadn’t been to the cinema for ages and Thor had decided to rectify that. 

 

He took Loki to see a stupid action movie; Loki had since forgotten what it was called, but he never forgot the heated kisses they shared sitting at the back of the theatre, after some awkward fumbling at first, the way Thor’s scruff scratched him ever so slightly and what a wonderful sensation that was. But what had really sealed Loki's fate was the way the date ended. 

Loki, who had no sexual experience to speak of, would have gladly spent the night with Thor to make up for the dearth of passion in his teenage years. But after a deep kiss just outside the cinema, which set Loki's insides on fire, Thor had backed off a little bit.

"I think we should call it a night."

"All right then." Loki's neutral tone must have confused Thor.

"I‘d like to see you again. If that’s okay with you?"

"Of course it is." Pathetic eagerness again.

"Good." Thor beamed. "That's why I think we better head our separate ways." 

His hand trailed Loki's arm and Loki had to work very hard to suppress his embarrassing shivers. 

"I’m way too attracted to you. And I don't want that to overwhelm the fact that you’re also so funny and so smart. I'd like to spend a bit more time talking to you and enjoying your conversation before we do anything else."

The number of people who could have pulled of this line without being utterly ridiculous was limited, but Thor could. To this day Loki wasn't sure how Thor had figured out that Loki was smart, they hadn't really talked that much. But complimenting his brain had always worked for him. He had already figured out that Thor was too sincere to mean anything else than what he said. He really wanted to see Loki again and he really wanted to make sure it went beyond the carnal.

 

Only two months after their first date, Loki met Thor’s parents. It could hardly be avoided really, as they came to visit Thor at university to make sure their darling boy was doing okay. Loki would have avoided it all the same, but Thor insisted that he had already told his parents that he had a new boyfriend (first time he used that term) and that he was sure Loki would love his mother. 

Thor had been right. By the end of the evening, Loki adored Frigga. They shared a love for theatre and poetry. Frigga had an impressive repertoire of poetry she could recite by heart, Asgardian and English. If Loki had been straight, he would have asked Frigga to marry him right then, her son forgotten. They had nearly bored Thor and Odin to death.

 

Things continued to go uphill. Loki joined the drama club at the English department (English lit was his minor). They soon threatened to kick him out again as he continually got into fights with the more senior members of the group about their artistic choices and their repertoire. They didn’t, however, kick him out. He was a good actor and he had an impressive knowledge about the theatre. Also, he was clever enough to change his tactics soon; he loved theatre, he would have gone to drama school if his father hadn’t prevented him. 

He somehow figured out how to manipulate the others in the group; he might have poor people skills when it came to simply socializing, but he found out that he had his father's gift for insinuation and bending people to his will. Not quite on his father's scale, but soon he found himself in a position of power within the group. The others distrusted each other, but somehow everyone relied on Loki. When the president left university the next summer, Loki was elected as new president. 

Thor meanwhile became captain of the football team, while also joining the Rugby team. He had never been academically inclined, but had gone to university to please his parents. At that time Odin was running for mayor in his home-town Walis after several years in local politics and was a successful lawyer. 

Frigga had studied to become a teacher. She only worked for four years before she became pregnant. She had wanted to continue to work, but at the time it was frowned upon in the conservative Walis for a mother to work and Odin already had political ambitions. So she had become a stay-at-home mum. 

Thor felt a certain pressure to study from both his parents. He became slightly more successful at it once Loki helped with studying. Loki was also the one to suggest that Thor should change his major and train to become a P.E. teacher. It didn't endear him to Odin, but Thor loved the idea. It meant that he couldn’t graduate that year as he had planned but that suited Loki just fine.

 

He had lived with Sigyn for one year, as they had planned from the beginning. And he enjoyed it. Sigyn was a bit more sociable than he was, but she never had many people over. The only problem was that Sigyn never really warmed to Thor. She admitted that he was gorgeous and possessed considerable charisma. She also called him shallow as a puddle and unbearably superficial. It created tension between Sigyn and Loki for the first time in their lives. 

At the end of the year, Loki decided to move in with Thor. Sigyn stopped talking to him for nearly two weeks. Eventually she found another flatmate and she did start talking to Loki again. She even came to the apartment-warming party Thor insisted on having once they moved in. 

He had enjoyed living with Thor. Living with him made it clear, however, that Sigyn was partially right. Thor was shallow and very often immature. Most of the household chores fell to Loki. And while Thor admired Loki’s intelligence, he had absolutely no interest in learning anything more than he absolutely needed to pass his exams. Unless it involved anything athletic. He was always eager to research new ways to work out. Scratch “research.” He was generally obsessed with finding new ways to work out. 

His friends were worse than him; they considered Loki boring because he had nothing to contribute to their conversations about football scores, scores for other games Loki hardly even knew, practice, coaches and whatever else they talked about. Alcohol occasionally, although Thor himself only drank very moderate amounts. And girls. Thor thought nothing about commenting on the attractiveness of a girl when Loki was around. Loki didn’t understand how he could be such good friends with Sif and then discuss her potential weight gain when she wasn’t around. 

Thor’s best friend, Fandral, was particularly annoying. Fandral was always flirting with Loki. Thor thought that was a great joke, Loki thought it bordered on harassment. He spent way too many evenings in their apartment and Thor and Loki had regular arguments about it. Nevertheless, Loki adored him and considered all this to be minor flaws that Thor would grow out of. Because when they were alone, Thor would look at Loki as if Loki was a god and he would hang on every word he said. And the way he touched Loki made him feel worshipped.

 

Then came the fateful day of his accident. It was nobody's fault really. Loki had been on his new motorbike, he had just received his licence the previous week. It was just his bad luck the driver of the lorry behind him had a heart attack and drove straight into him, as he stopped at a traffic light. The only eye-witnesses were the driver of the car behind the lorry and the driver of the car coming from the right who had narrowly escaped the fate of also being hit. Both were not quite clear on what exactly happened. 

The only clear thing was that Loki suffered multiple fractures, injured his spinal cord, had a punctured lung, and ruptured his spleen and that it was a miracle that he survived. 

The next thing Loki knew was that he was in a strange place, feeling as if his mind was in some kind of bubble. The strange place turned out to be the hospital of course and those ghastly spectres were doctors and nurses. 

He still hadn't had adjusted to that reality when Thor had broken up with him in that charming manner, telling him that he wasn’t himself anymore.

It slowly dawned on him that he would have stay in hospital for months. His injuries took a long time to heal (as much as they could) and he had to relearn so many things. A few months after the accident, his doctors and counsellors started talking about his living situation after he was discharged from his hospital. As he was able to move his arms somewhat (minus his triceps and he had to relearn basically every movement), they told him that he might be able to live independently but would need a PA, although the doctors recommended that he would move into an assisted living facility first. 

It was too much to take in; Loki had never been good with strangers. He had hated to live in the dorm for one year in Thrudheim and had avoided his floormates as well as he could. And then he had been able-bodied, he could flee whenever he felt like it. Plus, it was limited to one year. The prospect of having to share facilities with other people again, for an indefinite time while he couldn’t get away as much as he wanted, terrified him.

He would know nobody; he could hardly expect Frigga to keep coming as regularly as she did. Apart from Sigyn, she was his most regular visitor. Although he didn’t really allow any visitors, he had told the nurses to turn everyone away. Apparently one or two members of the theatre group, and Pepper and Sif, for some reason, had come in the first couple of months but Loki had send a polite excuse that at the moment he couldn’t deal with visitors. His excuses had never been polite but he knew that nurses made polite excuses. Frigga spent two to three weeks every month in Thrudheim, living with Thor.

 

Two weeks after Loki had told Frigga about his worries considering his situation after he was discharged, she came straight to the point once she greeted Loki.

"I have thought about your situation and talked to Odin. I know it would be a huge responsibility and I don't know if you trust me enough for this, but if you’re so reluctant to go and live in a facility or going through the process of finding a PA you can cope with and all that while you are still adjusting to your new life, you could move to Walis and live with Odin and me."

"Excuse me?" He must have gaped. She just smiled nervously.

"We have a guestroom on the ground floor, right next to the living room. We could transform that into a bedroom for you and the bathroom on the ground floor is big enough to be adapted too. We would also need to do some work on the front porch to allow easy entry. I just wanted to give that to you as another option. You can think about it, there is no need ...."

"No need to think about it." He struggled to put his hand on hers. "I would be eternally grateful, really, I ...."

He broke down crying yet again and as usual, she moved over to hug him gently and only started to dry his tears once he had calmed down a bit. "That's what family is for, Loki."

He nodded, feeling rather numb after yet another break-down. That was not what he had learnt about family.

But for the first time since the accident, things looked up. 

Of course, a little while later he had started to second-guess Frigga's offer. People just didn't open their home to virtual strangers. She must have some sort of agenda, she must get some sort of benefit or advantage out of it. He couldn't think of one though. 

Of course he would get disabled benefits, but Odin and Frigga were well-off and the benefits were really not that much to tempt somebody in their position. Would they abuse him? Frigga especially hardly seemed the type to abuse a disabled person or, for that matter, to allow somebody to be abused in her home. A small voice in his head said, that abusers hardly ever seemed abusive on the surface. 

But then again ... Sigyn would check up on him. As would the social services. All right, so he trusted Sigyn way more than the social services to figure out if something was wrong. However, subtle enquiries into legal aspects seemed to indicate that Sigyn should have little trouble getting Loki out if something was wrong. Odin was a lawyer, so he surely was aware of that. 

He simply could not think of any way in which Frigga's offer was anything less than what it appeared: Possibly the most generous thing anybody could do for somebody else and something that Loki was absolutely sure he would not have offered in her position. The only rational explanation was, that she was an angel. (He still took a lot of pain medication. An angel sent by a power he didn't even believe in was a perfectly rational explanation).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't mess up to badly with the description of Loki's injuries, I did as much research as I could but I am not a medical expert.


	3. Thor's POV

Thor stared at the ceiling of his childhood room. It was sprinkled with glowing stars, one of his mother’s more creative ideas for the room. He had never said so, but he loved them. He had put some on the ceiling of Loki and his bedroom in Thrudheim, but removed them once Loki was gone. There were too many memories of them snuggling and making up stories about the random patterns the stars formed.

Fandral was softly snoring on his mattress on the floor. It must be well past 2 o’clock in the morning if Thor’s internal clock was correct. It usually was. 

His mind kept wandering to the room just below this one, the former guest room which was now occupied by his ex-boyfriend. It was odd to think that Loki was so close. Their encounter could have gone better. 

He still thought Loki selfish. His mother had been a very active woman; she had volunteered in several places, she had a season ticket for the theatre, she gave classes in weaving, she weaved so much that she occasionally took a stall at a craft market to sell her surplus. All this had ground to a halt when she had taken the crazy notion into her head to become Loki’s primary carer. She still weaved, as far as Thor knew, because that was what she could do inside the home. But apart from that, her life revolved around Loki. 

She hadn’t even attended Thor’s graduation ceremony. One would think that her son finally managing to graduate would have made her proud and eager to attend. But that was shortly after Loki had been released from the hospital and his mother just informed him that she couldn’t leave Loki alone in his fragile state. So his father had come alone.

 

It was shortly after 9 o’clock when he made it to kitchen after a restless night, Fandral still fast asleep in his room. He found Frigga and Loki alone. Loki was sipping what appeared to be a green smoothie with an enormous straw, while Frigga had her oatmeal, her breakfast of choice ever since Thor could remember. 

It was typical that Loki would have a breakfast that was currently very trendy. He had always tended to be somewhat of an urban hipster. Both Frigga and Loki looked up when he came in. Loki drew his eyebrows together in annoyance. 

Well excuse Thor for making his first extended visit to his parents since Loki had moved in. Frigga smiled gently.

“You just missed your father, he’s already gone to the office. What would you like to eat, dear?”

“I’ll get myself some bread, you don’t need to bother to do it for me, mum.”

See, he could do things for himself. He mentally slapped himself for that thought. It wasn’t as if Loki could help it. Loki of course understood his implication and scowled even harder when Thor caught his eye. 

“So what are your plans for today, dear?” Frigga appeared to be eager to act as if this was just a normal morning.

“Fandral and I will have to go back to the police to make a full report of what was stolen. So I guess we’ll spend the morning compiling that list. Could we get your car in the afternoon?”

“Well Loki and I could go swimming in the morning instead of the afternoon, can’t we, darling?”

It was Thor’s turn to scowl at the endearment, but Loki nodded. “It doesn’t make a difference, really.”

“You go swimming?”

Loki’s lips twisted cynically. “Yes, we do. A couple of times per week.”

“But, you can’t …. I mean … how do you even ….” He was spluttering. Well done Thor.

“I can move my arms”, Loki pointed out. He sounded sour and still condescending. But while Thor was not usually perceptive, he had been with Loki for 2 years. He detected the shame and pain in Loki’s voice and winced internally. 

Frigga still smiled. “We are lucky that the local pool caters to the disabled, we don’t even have to go far.”

“The regulars don’t like us though. They think it is a pool for elderly people, and we are both too young.”

Thor couldn’t help feeling jealous when Loki and Frigga both chuckled at that. He also noticed that Loki’s voice was as beautiful as ever. As was his face, lighting up in real amusement as his pale blue eyes narrowed. Still, he was confused. What was the point, really, of dumping Loki into the water?

 

Loki and Frigga left soon after that and Thor went to kick a very grumpy Fandral awake. Part of the grumpiness stemmed from the fact that Thor literally kicked him awake.

"You don't frigging need to take your frustration about Loki out on me", he grumbled when he finally sat in the kitchen, clutching a cup of coffee. 

A tired Fandral was a surprisingly perceptive Fandral. Thor chose to ignore him anyway. When Fandral had some more coffee, he added, oblivious to Thor's attempts to ignore the whole situation:

"It is kind of weird, that your mother is taking care of him, isn't it. Him being your ex-boyfriend and all."

"They clicked as soon as they met." Thor turned his back to Fandral. 

"Still, it’s a huge responsibility and being the primary carer does take over one's life, doesn't it? I just mean ...."

"Shut it, Fandral." When did Fandral learn terms like "primary carer" anyway? 

"Shutting it," Fandral sing-songed. 

Thor felt compelled to stick his tongue out at him but stopped himself. It must be the fact that he was back in the house of his childhood that gave him those childish impulses. At least the man finally shut up. 

 

It was a busy day. They spent the morning in the living room, compiling a list of everything they had in the camper, using Frigga’s laptop to check a few details (such as precise name and address of the company they rented the car from, exact model of Fandral’s laptop …). 

Thor then plundered his father’s wardrobe and the old wardrobe in his room searching for something fresh they could wear. It was hard to find something for Fandral who was rather slender compared to the Borsens. He threw their used clothes in the washing machine, but since his mother didn’t own a dryer, it would take some time to dry considering that it had started to rain (perfectly reflecting Thor’s feelings. Thank you, weather gods). 

After a quick lunch, which Frigga threw together once she was back from the pool, they had to go back to the police station to make a full report. They also contacted the rental service, from which they had rented the camper. They were, naturally, less than pleased. 

Once that was done they went into town to get new smartphones, courtesy of a loan from Odin as they had, of course, also lost all their money and their cards. Loki was not discussed among them anymore, but was always in Thor’s mind.

 

They watched another episode of Dr. Who that evening. It was already slightly less odd to see Loki in his chair. Only slightly though. His eyes wandered surreptitiously to Loki’s hands. The paralysed fingers were perhaps what unsettled him the most. Loki could move his arms, even his wrists somewhat. But the fingers … they were sort of curled in, not as limp as Thor would have imagined paralysed fingers previously. 

Thor had always admired Loki’s long, elegant fingers. Loki had tended to twiddle with them, a habit that Thor had always found endearing. And he had been oh so clever in using his fingers on Thor’s body. Loki had been a master of manipulation and mischief in the bedroom and Thor had loved it. Now those clever fingers were just so ….. lifeless. Thor flexed his own thick fingers involuntarily. Funny, how one never really thought about the importance of fingers. You just kind of grabbed things. Watching Loki using a strapped on fork to eat his dinner and the awkward way he moved his plate without moving his fingers was disconcerting. 

When he looked back at Loki, Loki stared right back, his elegant eyebrows raised in mock inquiry. Feeling ashamed, Thor focused his attention on the screen again.

 

The next day Fandral left to go and bother his sister for the rest of his holidays. With their camping trip cancelled, his sister had invited him to spend some time with her and her family in their second home at the seaside. 

She had invited Thor too, but Thor decided that he would rather stay and spend the rest of his holidays with his parents. He really hadn't seen them enough in the last year. He had not even planned to do more than maybe come for an afternoon or so this summer. Now that he was actually here he felt deeply ashamed. What had he been thinking all those months? His parents did not deserve his sulking. 

It had nearly broken his heart when his mother told him how happy she was to have him around. He could only hug her; his apology was choked somewhere in his throat with no way out. Judging by the way she kissed his cheek, she understood. 

His father, as usual, took a grumpier approach. He told Thor that it was “about time” for him to stay a few days and had a list of things he wanted him to do around the house and in the garden. It was a transparent plot to keep him around for his entire two weeks of holidays.

 

For lunch Thor the next day met up with Jane, his ex-girlfriend. He had been crushed when she ended their relationship shortly after they started university. She had gone to Nilfheim, he to Thrudheim. She hadn’t missed him at all, apparently, and had considered that a sign that their relationship was going nowhere. 

Of course, once he met Loki nearly three years later, he had virtually forgotten all about her, until she contacted him again the summer before the accident. She had found him on Facebook and wanted to know how he was doing. He couldn't resist then to brag about his new and amazing boyfriend. She, in turn, bragged about her amazing career. Back then Thor was still struggling to finish the last year of his master, while she had already returned to Walis to do her PhD there. 

When he had mentioned that he was in Walis now for the holidays while they were chatting online, she had suggested to meet up and had lunch in her new favourite restaurant near the harbour. He poked around his plate. It had far too many vegetables and not enough fish for his taste. Jane, dainty as ever, managed to eat her arugula without dripping any dressing on herself. It was impressive.

She eventually managed to worm the entire story out of him. After the accident he had just vaguely told her that Loki had an accident but that they weren’t together anymore. Jane had apparently supposed that they had broken up before the accident. She was clearly shocked when he admitted that he had broken up with Loki in the hospital, on his first visit a few days after it happened.

"You know Thor, I guess I am happy that I broke up with you. Back then I wasn't sure I've done the right thing, but I had no idea how shallow your attachments really are."

Thor looked at his plate, grinding his jaw. Part of him felt really angry. But deep down he knew she was right and shame coursed through him. But this was Jane. She apologized immediately.

"I am sorry I put it that harshly, Thor. I only meant .... well, not that I have experience with a disabled partner, but you didn't even give it a chance."

"I guess not." Thor sighed and played with the peas on his plate. It gave him something to focus on other than Jane's face and this painful conversation. "I didn't plan to break up with Loki when I finally gathered the courage to go to the hospital you know. It was just, when I saw him .... I couldn't deal with it. My instinct was to run away."

"And ...."

"And that makes me a terrible person, I know." He much rather said it himself. 

"Your action was terrible,” Jane conceded. "I don't think you're a terrible person though."

He dared to smile tentatively. "You said something different not two minutes ago."

"Well ... you’re a bit shallow, that was part of the reason why I broke up with you back then," she admitted. "But there’s hope."

“Good for me.”

He actually did manage to finish his plate and they had a nice walk along the harbour. Thor missed the sea sometimes when he was in Thrudheim; the saltiness of the air and the fresh wind. 

When he took Loki to Walis the first time, they had rented a boat. Jotunheim was even further from the sea than Thrudheim, but Loki had immediately loved it. He smiled wistfully when he remembered how happy Loki had been that time. 

 

In the evening Thor found himself suddenly alone with Loki, as Odin had retired and Frigga was busy washing up in the kitchen. Thor looked at Loki, feeling very shy, a feeling he was not used to. He studied Loki’s profile for a while. The straight nose and the prominent cheekbones, and the sheer beauty. When Loki noticed his stare and turned towards Thor, he coughed.

“So, um, how have you been Loki?”

“Disabled.” His expression held a note of mockery.

“No need to be sarcastic.” Thor frowned. After a moment of silence he said. “Although I always loved your sarcasm.”

“That’s a lie. You were annoyed half of the time.”

“It was the good kind of annoyed though.”

Loki let out a harsh laugh at that. Thor drew his brows together, feeling a bit hurt.

“It’s true. Like you were always annoyed when I was ‘boisterous.’”

Loki closed his eyes. “Do we need to talk about that?”

“No. Or yes. I just …. Gods, I know I’ve been an idiot. And cruel. I’ve let you down when you needed support.”

“Yes.” Loki managed to keep his voice steady, but the pained look that crossed his face didn’t escape Thor.

“I was …. I was overwhelmed. Especially once I saw you in that bed. I couldn’t deal with it.”

“You don’t say.” Loki gave him a very wry smile, devoid of any good-humour.

 

They were both relieved when Frigga returned. Thor felt that he was a horrible person, whatever Jane had said. It was easy to forget about Loki (ok, not easy but manageable) once he was away and it was easy to convince himself that what he had done was understandable and really not that bad. 

He had been overwhelmed, surely everyone understood that something as life-changing as a horrible accident would also impact those close to the victim. And Loki had so many things to deal with, so many things to adjust in his life, surely the loss of his relationship was easy to deal with in the face of all the other changes. 

It was not so easy to pretend when sitting in the same room as Loki and seeing that he had indeed hurt him. Loki might be in a wheelchair, but he was so clearly still a person. Still Loki, in fact. 

The truth was that Thor had been scared. And as someone who was very athletic and enjoyed exerting himself he was disgusted by the idea of not being able to move at all. 

Their sex had been very energetic. Thor had sort of laughed whenever he heard someone say that good sex was not athletic performance. That just seemed like a way to console those too weak to have really good sex and make them believe that they didn't really miss out when in truth, they did. He was aware that Loki was a more cerebral type than he was himself, but Loki had been fit enough. 

In a wheelchair he could hardly be expected to do anything fun with Thor. So he panicked in that hospital room and refused to accept that the broken body in the bed was that of his boyfriend. His boyfriend, as far as he was concerned in that brainless moment (and the months of denial following) was dead. 

Unfortunately, that fiction could not be upheld here in Walis. Loki was here. He was alive.


	4. An afternoon in the Zoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments :)
> 
> This chapter is mainly from Thor's POV again. I originally had chapter in between which was predominantly Loki's POV, but it just didn't want to work, not matter how often I rewrote it. So I removed it.

The days back in his parents' house quickly fell into a routine for Thor. After a short trip back to Thrudheim to get some clothes and the details on his insurance (not to mention, getting his new keys, Hogun who had a second key, had arranged for the lock to be changed), his father had decided to narrow down the initial list and to give him the task of redoing the garden. 

He had seen the idea of having walled beds along broad paths on some TV-shows. Those made gardening more accessible for people in wheelchairs or the elderly and had decided that he wanted them for his own garden. Thor suspected that he had decided that only when Thor had arrived, because Loki had never been particularly fond of gardening and his parents were not exactly elderly enough to be unable to bend down or kneel while gardening. 

That project would fill his two week holiday and he knew he would not be finished by the end of them. So he would need to come back. He made some plans, bought some material, started building and on many days he had to go back to the shop in the afternoon to buy something he had forgotten the first time round because neither he nor his parents were well-versed when it came to gardening or building walls. 

He also attempted to help his mother around the house, even suggesting to prepare her breakfast as he usually got up early to go for a run. He argued he might as well prepare her breakfast before he went. But no. His father already burdened him with so much during his holidays, she didn't want him to do any extra work. He tried cleaning, at least his own room, but his mother shooed him away, as soon as she caught him, with the same argument. Those were his holidays and he should enjoy himself. After a few days he replied by asking when the last time she had a break was. She pursed her lips and told him that he must not worry about her. 

 

“If you really want to help your mother, take Loki out for an afternoon. They are in each other’s hair all day, that can’t be healthy.”

Odin’s stern words had spurred Thor into action. And here he was, chauffeuring Loki to the local zoo. He had not been able to think of anything more creative and to his surprise Loki had immediately agreed to the suggestion. 

Thor was more nervous than on their first date, and they weren’t even on a date. Part of the reason was the fact that Loki barely talked to him and Thor didn’t know what to say anyway. Virtually everything he said seemed to be the wrong thing, Loki just tensed his jaw and ignored Thor whenever he made his presence known. 

The other reason was the list his mother had given him with instructions on what to do when something went wrong. He prayed to every god known to him by name that nothing would go wrong.

“You can park in the disabled area, you know.” 

Thankfully Loki’s voice was amused when he broke his silent prayers. Right. Out of habit he had driven past the disabled parking space in front of the zoo and turned to the general parking area. He chuckled and turned around. 

“Old habits die hard.”

"There have to be some advantages."

The prospect of going to the zoo really seemed to cheer Loki up. He wasn't scowling and he had spoken fairly politely to Thor. Progress.

 

The main entrance had been rebuilt since Thor visited last; it was now very accessible for Loki. Thor vaguely remembered that when he was a child people in wheelchairs or families with large prams had to enter through the restaurant. They received a little leaflet with information about enjoying the zoo in a wheelchair. The woman was so polite that Thor didn't mention that they had all that information on the zoo's app which he had downloaded prior to their visit. 

It appeared that most of the zoo was accessible. They wouldn't be able to go on the side paths in the huge rain-forest hall, only along the main path, and most short-cuts were barred. The zoo had done a lot of landscaping recently and while little paths through realistic territory were enjoyable for the average person, they were not exactly wheelchair friendly. They could enter every house however and apparently all the restaurants. Considering that, it seemed nearly ridiculous that Loki's ticket cost only 50% of the normal entrance fee, but he decided not to comment on that. 

 

Loki wanted to see the penguins first; he always had a soft spot for them. He had watched a documentary on Antarctica when Fandral and he had arrived, after all. Thor used to tease him that it was because they reminded him of himself. He couldn't resist now either. Loki was watching the penguins with a small, sincere smile on his thin lips, a sight achingly familiar to Thor.

"You know, I think you have been a penguin in your previous incarnation. That would explain why you have black hair despite your pale skin. And fancy suits so much."

"That's getting old Thor." The lack of rancour in Loki's voice encouraged Thor however.

"Never. And you got enough arrogance to be an emperor penguin."

Loki’s mouth quirked, but he shook his head. "Grace, you mean grace."

"Penguins are not graceful."

The discussion was not particularly witty, it was a very stupid and awkward exchange of platitudes as if they were pre-schoolers playing adults. Nevertheless, they talked. That was progress in Thor’s book. 

It wasn't so bad when they lapsed into silence again as they went through the aquarium. Fish were boring, at least in Thor's opinion. And watching them in an aquarium gave him a slight headache. He wondered if Loki remembered and if that was the reason why they made such a slow progress through the blasted thing.

And then came the snakes. Fish were boring, but Thor hated snakes with a passion. Loki, on the other hand, insisted on getting close to each and every terrarium and called Thor over several times to look at a particularly interesting specimen. Now Thor knew that Loki was punishing him. Loki had never been known for his gentle and forgiving character and, as he proved right now, could be very petty.

 

After they had visited the elephants, they went to see the apes, and it became awkward. Thor had always loved the Orang-utans, some of whom liked to hang around the glass wall separating them from the visitors to interact with the humans. 

Unfortunately, the apes were inside today and the way the house was designed prevented wheelchair users from getting close. The main corridor through the house was higher than the ground of the enclosures and there were spacious steps leading down to the glass. Those steps allowed visitors to comfortably sit down while they watched the apes or watched their children interact with them, but Loki was kept at a 5 metre distance from the apes and Thor did not know if he should stay with Loki or go down and join the other visitors. 

Loki was not helping; he was back to ignoring Thor's presence. He seemed to study a poster detailing how the palm oil industry was destroying the Orang-utans’ natural habitats. Thor decided to step down to the glass anyway, since Loki appeared occupied. When he came back up again, Loki’s brows were slanted in a frown, but he didn’t say anything. Thor couldn’t decipher if Loki was angry with him or simply in a bad mood. 

When they came to the Gorillas, Thor stayed with Loki and didn’t go down to get closer. Loki compared the silverback to Odin and one of the rowdy youngsters to Thor. So that seemed to be better.

 

Once the made it out of the ape house, Thor suggested that they go and sit down a bit in the shade to have a drink (he remembered belatedly that Loki was already sitting down in any case. There was a staggering amount of pitfalls in his dealings with Loki these days). Frigga had warned both of them about dehydration in the sun. 

They sat in silence for a few moments, then Loki suddenly spoke up.

"I understand why you did it, but I still resent it, you know."

Loki made his statement in cool, even voice, as if they were calmly continuing a conversation that had never taken place. It was a good thing he was sitting on a bench, Thor would have stumbled in shock had he been walking.

"I understand", was the only thing he could choke out.

Loki’s mouth was tight and grim as he answered. "No, I don't think you do. You were scared, but so was I. I had thought we would be there for each other. And you just ran away to live your life without having to deal with me and my problems." His bitterness spilled into his voice.

"Going on without you was no fun." Thor realised as soon as that was out of his mouth that he said the wrong thing. 

Loki gave him a scathing look and he suddenly felt very, very small and stupid.

"Oh, I am so sorry. Yes, it must have been as hard as lying motionless in some stupid hospital bed and learning to accept strangers taking care of every little intimate thing. And accepting that I won’t get much better. That everything I had planned for the future was either going to be very different or not going to happen. Like a future with my boyfriend, because apparently I wasn't good enough anymore. And I never even thought about how lonely you must have felt in your empty bed. Shame on me." 

Loki’s voice was quiet but full of contempt.

"I didn't mean it like that. I just ...." He felt his face heat up, and not because of the weather. 

"You just always make it about yourself." Loki interrupted him harshly, his eyes cold. "This wasn't about you."

"It was my boyfriend who was hit by a lorry and paralysed." 

He had loved Loki! Of course the accident affected him. The way Loki’s jaw clenched now told him that he just succeeded in making Loki angrier.

"Yes, and you dealt with it your way."

"By not dealing with it", Thor supplied meekly. “But I really missed you.”

Loki laughed scornfully. “Able-bodied me.”

Thor was silent for a moment and bit his lower lip. Loki had hit home. He didn’t know what he could say, right here next to Loki he could feel how awful he had been. He sighed. 

“Yes, that's true. I was shallow. Am shallow. I wasn’t willing to learn.”

“That insight doesn’t sound like you at all.”

Loki quirked his eyebrow at him, that admission seemed to have at least mellowed Loki a bit.

“No, I have Jane to thank for it.”

"It figures."

"She also said, she feels relieved that I justified her decision to break up with me retrospectively.”

Loki was silent. Thor looked to his feet again, feeling very embarrassed. When he looked to Loki again, he noticed the wetness in his eyes. Loki had never been the type to cry. He knew Loki had cried after he had left him, his mother had described Loki's breakdown in detail. But it had been so unreal. Loki had always been cold and aloof. 

He only hesitated a moment, though, before he gently removed the one escaping tear from Loki's cheek with the pad of this thumb. That only seemed to bring on more tears and Thor soon fumbled for tissues. 

"I’m sorry"; Loki forced out in a strange voice. "I shouldn't get this emotional."

"It's fine. Really."

"Just don't .... don't say anything, ok? Let's talk about the weather. Or that cute baby elephant."

“The baby elephant is very cute,” Thor said obediently. “I’m very happy that we managed to see him today.”

“Yes, and wasn’t it adorable how he scared he was of the water when his mother tried to get him to cross that little stream.”

They looked at each other and burst out in laughter at their stilted conversation. 

 

The afternoon grew hotter and hotter. And did the zoo always have this huge collection of really rather boring birds, half of whom were rather sensibly hiding in the shadows considering the oppressive heat? Or maybe it was Loki's silence which grated on Thor's nerves. It had been comfortable at first but it had stretched on for too long.

“Would you like some ice-cream?” he asked, mainly because he wanted to say something harmless and there was a little stall selling it nearby. 

“I … don’t think it’s a good idea.” Loki shook his head and didn’t look at him. Thor cocked his head in confusion.

“Why? It is hot and they’ve got your favourite.” 

Liquorice ice cream on a stick. Loki sighed. 

“I don’t want you to feed me.”

“Would I have to? I thought you could just sort of hold the stick between your fingers? We can put a tissue on your hand so it won’t get so sticky when the ice cream melts.”

 

Loki was torn, but then he nodded. If he refused, Thor would think less of him. If he agreed and made a mess of things, Thor would think less of him. If he couldn’t win anyway, he would at least lose while enjoying ice cream. 

Thor got the ice cream and helped Loki to get a grip on it. It worked surprisingly well. Loki didn’t admit that this was a minor personal victory. He had eaten something in public for the first time since the accident. Considering that he would start university again in September, it had really been time to become more comfortable with being in public. 

He had some difficulties wiping his mouth, the combination of the stickiness of the ice cream, the sun cream and his sweat didn't make it easier, so in the end Thor had to remove some tissue that was stuck to the corner of his mouth, but so what. He had enjoyed his ice cream and if some people stared - when exactly had he started caring? 

Thor, the same man who dumped him just because he was disabled, had seemed absolutely fine with it. Loki scowled at said man. Damn him. Thor still held too much power. Thor raised his eyebrows in confusion when he noticed Loki's dark look.

"What have I done now?"

After a moment of fierce staring, Loki relented and relaxed his features. "Nothing. I was just thinking."

"Dwelling on the past?"

Loki was silent, so Thor continued softly. "I do that too. Though I doubt it is productive."

Loki’s mouth curved into an unconscious smile. "And I know you owe that particular insight to your mother."

Thor chuckled gently. "Yes. She's right though."

"I know. Let's go, we still haven't seen the rainforest."

"Great. It's going to be even hotter in there."

 

When they finally made it back to the car, Thor was in a surprisingly good mood. They had at least talked a little bit about what happened. Yes, he felt miserable after that and he realised just how immature and pathetic his reaction had been. He didn’t think he could ever make it up to Loki, but it felt a bit better now that they had acknowledged the elephant in the room and Thor had told Loki that he knew he was wrong. Loki was the same person he had always been.

Judging by the look on Loki’s face, he felt much the same. His face was less tense than before, he was presumably also glad, to some extent, to have told Thor what he felt. 

 

They found Frigga napping in front of the television when they came home. By an unspoken agreement they both retired into the kitchen.

"Would she be upset if I started dinner?" Thor asked largely rhetorically.

"Yes. But if you want to do so anyway, the meal plan of the week is on the pin board."

Thor hadn’t been aware that there was a meal plan, but a quick look told him that she had only planned curried rice with chicken for that night, something he was able to cook. Loki helped him to locate the ingredients. 

Frigga woke soon after Thor started and was, predictably, cross. Thor insisted on cooking though so she insisted on telling him how to do it and criticised his technique. Loki wheeled himself into this own room to leave them to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language and I still don't have a beta. Please let me know if I made any bad mistakes. I'm also doing my best to research everything in connection to Loki's disability, but I probably still slip up. I'm always happy to be corrected.


	5. Byleistr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's baby brother comes to visit. Loki is happy, Thor not so much.

Thor had thought they made some progress in the zoo. But the very next day Loki’s younger brother had arrived to annoy Thor. Byleistr, or “Bill”, as he liked to be called was the only one in his family to accept Loki as he was now.

He dwarfed even Thor. Officially, he stood at 2.05 metres (officially; Thor suspected it was more like 2.10 in reality) and as if that wasn't enough, he was naturally broad-shouldered and loved to work out even more than Thor did. The man was a giant. Loki wasn't small, but next to his brother he had always looked frail and tiny. The only resemblance to Loki was the raven hair. Contrary to Loki, his oval face was open and gentle. 

If he didn't happen to look at Thor of course. His scowl was not as fierce as Loki’s but scary enough. And he resented not only his father and Helblindi, the oldest of the brothers, for their indifference. No, he also held Thor in contempt. 

When he saw Thor, he muttered a very audible "What the hell is he doing here?" to Loki, barely managing to greet Odin and Frigga politely. It deteriorated from there. 

Whenever Thor moved anywhere close to Loki, Byleistr would immediately move between them. Any conversation between Thor and Loki immediately became a terse talk between Thor and Byleistr, who didn't let Loki get a word in. The worst thing was that Thor was sure that Loki could stop this behaviour if he so chose. Loki's tongue had always been his sharpest weapon. But he didn't do anything to discourage his brother.

 

Loki on the other hand was overjoyed to see his baby brother. Their family was dysfunctional. Laufey Ymirsen, their father, was barely capable of affection. He would never know what had possessed his mother to marry his father. From what he remembered, Farbauti had been a very caring and loving woman, at least towards her children. He had been six when she died and a six-year old simply did not think of asking his parents why they married. 

Helblindi, his older brother, was a carbon-copy of their father. Cold unless provoked when he was capable of ferocious anger. When he was a child, a full four years older than Loki, that had often ended into violence. Laufey didn't care as long as Loki wasn't seriously injured. 

When Loki was seven he had suffered a broken arm and a severely bruised face after a savage beating he got from his older brother. The school involved the doctor who involved the police and Laufey had apparently had a difficult time proving that he hadn't abused his son himself and that he could control his oldest son. 

Byleistr, on the other hand, had been Laufey’s favourite, for reasons no one was sure about. It was possibly because he took after Farbauti; he was the gentlest of the family, always evading confrontations rather than seeking them as Helblindi and Loki did in answer to their father’s indifference. The house was big enough for Byleistr to evade Helblindi, who had little interest in him anyway, and Loki had always loved his little brother.

 

Now Bill studied economics in Jotunheim as Helblindi had done, but had moved out of Laufey’s house; Loki was not quite sure how he had managed that, it had been a huge fight when Loki had decided to go to Thrudheim. 

At the beginning of the summer, Bill had angered Laufey even more. Instead of taking the internship in the company of one of Laufey’s friends, Bill had decided to do one in a rehabilitation clinic. Now he had a one week holiday (Loki had never before heard about an internship with holidays, but from what he gathered the two nurses who usually took care of training were both on holiday, so that might be it). He cheerfully informed Loki, that now he knew at least how to care for his brother should it become necessary (in the clinic there were some with a higher-level spinal cord injury than Loki). 

Loki had been initially horrified by the idea of his brother helping to take care of his most intimate issues. But then Odin had come to sit down with him.

"Loki, do you think you could accept Byleistr's help for the weekend?"

Surprised, Loki couldn't think of an answer, which was just as well as Odin usually didn't require one

"I talked to him and I believe he would be up for the task. I could take Frigga for an overnight trip to Vanaheim."

Frigga's hometown, where her sister still lived. She hadn't been there since Loki moved in. So he just nodded silently. He stroked his right hand with his left absent-mindedly.

He didn't want to let Frigga go. She had been there every day since he left the hospital. And even when he was in hospital, she had been a constant presence.

 

Surprisingly, Frigga seemed even less willing to go. Loki as well as Thor and Byleistr could hear her arguing with Odin through the walls at night. Frigga was livid; they had made decisions about her life without consulting her; they didn't understand that she truly didn't mind caring for Loki; Odin was assuming too much, as always; she was not exhausted at all; Loki could come to Vanaheim too, she would love to show Loki her hometown. And so it went on. 

Odin's voice was less distinctive through the walls, but the words "co-dependency," "dangerous" and "burn-out" could be made out several times. All three young men in the house wished themselves elsewhere and did their best to cover their ears.

 

The next morning, when Frigga came to help Loki get ready (declining Byleistr's help quite vigorously) it was plain to see that she barely had any sleep. Loki hadn't slept either, he felt very guilty. He knew his presence was a strain on Frigga's marriage. 

"I think you should go", he thus mumbled after he was out of the shower.

Frigga paused, his shirt in her hands as she put her hands on her hips.

"You too? Is there anyone in this house who doesn't think he knows better than me how to live my life?"

"That's not what I meant." Loki swallowed a bit, as he studied her hands rather than her face. "I just mean ... you don't have to decline because of me."

"So you would prefer Byleistr's help to mine?" Her voice hardened.

"You're irrational!" He started to get angry himself and grabbed at his T-Shirt. "You're brilliant. You've been brilliant this entire time. I’m sure his basic training can't compete with the way you handle things. It's just ...."

"Just?" She prodded, still with anger in her voice but her stance had softened.

"It's just that maybe Odin would also appreciate the time with you."

"He has an odd way of saying that."

Loki dared to laugh a little. 

"You've been married to him for a long time. You should know him."

"Yes." She sighed. "He tends to belief he knows best and that he doesn't need to consult people before he makes decisions."

"He means well though." 

They looked at each other and chuckled. They used to have this argument in reverse, when Loki had bitterly complained about Odin in the beginning and Frigga had always defended her husband.

"I guess so", she finally conceded. "And Vanaheim is not too far away. You will contact me if something goes wrong, right? I can be back within 3 hours."

Loki silently vowed not to do that under any circumstances short of Bill actually injuring him.

"I will," he promised anyway. "And you know, I can tell Bill what to do, it’s not like I don’t know it. But it might be good if you let him help until then, so he can see how we do it." 

Frigga noticed that he had to force the words out, because his pride rebelled against the idea of his baby brother helping him, but she nodded. 

Oddly enough, she seemed to be somewhat comforted by his discomfort. 

"That's a good idea."

 

When it was time for Odin and Frigga to leave, it took nearly one hour until Frigga was able to conclude her good-bye admonitions. Luckily, Odin could be a patient man (that probably helped in his position as the mayor of the town). 

When they were finally off, they turned to go back inside without a word spoken. Thor went into the garden to finish building one of the new flower beds. He had announced earlier that after his exercise at the beach he would have dinner with Jane, his ex-girlfriend, so at least for today Loki wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness that was Thor and Bill in close proximity. 

His brother and Thor had very similar personalities, and they had never got on very well. Loki had once hoped that they would, considering that they had so much in common. Now Bill hated Thor even more for what he had done than Loki did. And he discovered that one thing that Bill had in common with all the Ymirsens was his fierce possessiveness. He was a bit annoyed (ok, make that extremely annoyed and exasperated) that Bill apparently didn't consider him capable of dealing with Thor. He was able to speak for himself, thank you very much. 

On the other hand, he also enjoyed watching Thor suffer. Nobody had ever claimed that forgiveness was Loki's strength. He might have forgiven Thor a little bit. But not enough not to relish every little bit of revenge he could get. It also served to show him (and hopefully Bill, too) that Thor was a better person than Laufey or Helblindi. Those two would not submit to such a treatment the way Thor did.

 

"I decided to become a personal care assistant", Bill announced out of the blue, as they had dinner. 

Loki coughed around his bite. When he had re-established his capacity for speech he asked the only sensible question.

"Have you taken leave of your senses?"

"No. I thought about it. I already exmatriculated in Jotunheim. I will go to nursing college here in Walis. I already enrolled and found a placement."

That explained the two afternoons on which Bill had mysteriously disappeared. Loki groaned. 

"You abandon economics for a job which will barely make enough money to live."

"Now, that’s a true Ymirsen comment", his younger brother chided. 

"Perhaps. It is something you should consider, though. Father has never been kind to any of us, but we always enjoyed a high living standard. You won't be able to keep that lifestyle up when you become a nurse."

"Which is a disgrace, really." Byleistr suddenly looked serious, a look that did not sit well on his usually cheerful face. "It's what I want to do Loki."

"Since when? You’ve always wanted to join the family business, I thought?"

"Since your accident. More or less." 

He lifted his hands up when Loki started to scowl. 

"Now, I know the accident was traumatic for you and the consequences still are. But for me .... Well, it is selfish, kind of, but for me it was sort of a blessing. I always did my best to admire father and to please him. I never had your temper or sharp tongue, I just wanted to fit into the family and do what was expected of me. And of course I was father's darling."

"Always, yes. So, what ..."

"My beloved brother had a horrific accident while I was trekking through South-East Asia with my mates, and my father only mentioned that in passing on the phone two months after it bloody happened! It wasn’t as if I hadn’t called before! He just decided to tell me on the day before I was due to return anyway. It was ... it was like he didn't give a shit."

"He didn't. But I also might have asked him not to tell you so it wouldn't ruin your trip. I don't remember."

Bill brows drew together in an angry frown. "I should have been told. I would have come. And when I was back he wouldn't even let me come to visit you much."

"You couldn't have helped," Loki told him evenly. Yes, he would have liked to have seen more of his brother, but he had always understood why he couldn’t come much.

"Maybe, but ..." Bill sighed. "Well, South-East Asia was bloody great and all. We had a wonderful time. But there will be more opportunities. I feel terrible that I wasn't there for you. I should have noticed that the contact with you suddenly broke off. Especially when father and Helblindi were such utter bastards. You deserved to have at least some family there. You and least of all father could not have predicted that Frigga would step in like she did. And anyway, back to my point .... after I realised how fucking callous father and Helblindi really are, I kind of felt free. It was suddenly so crystal clear that I didn't really want to follow the path father had set out for me. That his approval of my life choices is totally irrelevant."

"I see." He didn't quite. "I hope nursing is really going to suit you and that you won't regret it."

“I’m sure I won’t.” Bill beamed at Loki, then he looked down at his plate and wrinkled his nose. “As long as I won’t be required to cook. I’m very sorry about this mess.”

The mess was his attempt to cook a Thai Curry with pre-packaged ingredients. It shouldn’t have been hard, but he had managed to turn the rice into a mush and to overcook the meat.

“Yes, if you make this into a habit I might have to learn to cook myself”, Loki joked. Then his eyes widened. “Do you think it’s possible?” he asked his brother suddenly feeling a bit uncertain.

“Well …. I don’t think we can turn you into a gourmet chef, you never were much better than me, but I heard about tetraplegics cooking, so why not?”

“Everybody’s different.” Loki held his hands up as if for inspection and Bill laughed.

“Why don’t we do a bit of research after I at least cleaned up the kitchen? There’s this brilliant thing called the Internet nowadays, you know. I know you still grew up in the Stone Age but ….”

Loki was proud that he managed to hit his brother’s face with the rice he had aimed at it. Bill tried to scowl as he cleaned his cheek, but couldn’t stop the grin spreading on his face.

 

As it turned out, this brilliant thing called the Internet had a surprising number of hints and tips for tetraplegics in the kitchen. 

Loki felt that he wasn’t quite ready to strap a knife to his arm to cut stuff and the stove in the house was so high that he thought there was a reasonable chance that he would end up with boiling water in his lap if he attempted to cook something on it. The fact that he wouldn’t be able to feel the burn in the lap didn’t really make that prospect better. 

But he had to admit that throwing together a salad should be within his capabilities and a toaster oven might be a good investment. He already had a grabbing tool, so it should be possible to get food in and out. 

While they were looking up prices for toaster ovens, Bill looked at him curiously.

“And you’ve seriously never looked into this?”

“Nope.” 

“And in the clinic or in physiotherapy – nobody talked about something as basic as preparing food?”

“They might have,” Loki conceded. “If they did, I didn’t listen I guess.”

“It just seems so unlike you. You’ve always been so independent.”

“Yes, thank you for pointing that out,” Loki drawled embarrassed.

“You’re welcome. And in exchange you can help me with breakfast tomorrow, ok?”

Scowling at Bill had never worked. He had been the favourite child, so he had been safe even from Helblindi’s ire (plus, he was 8 years younger than Helblindi. Bill learned not to provoke him soon enough and Helblindi ignored him). And while Loki dearly loved his brother, he had decided that he was probably just really too dumb to understand sarcasm. 

Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that he would go into nursing instead of potentially bankrupting a company. He sighed.

“I’ll see what I can do about helping with breakfast tomorrow.”

“And cleaning up the mess you are going to make.”

“And that.” 

Too dumb to understand sarcasm didn’t translate into nice. In their YouTube exploration they had also come across people with Loki’s level of injury who transferred independently and they were still working on practicing that when Thor came home. Loki decided that he should talk about that with his physiotherapist anyway.

 

When Frigga came back after dinner the next day, she appeared to have expected to at least find the house burnt to the ground. She was surprised to see Bill and Loki in high spirits. Despite her worries she had obviously managed to enjoy her short time in Vanaheim with her sister’s family. 

She was still full of stories when she was alone with Loki later. Loki did eventually manage to bring up the idea of relearning how to cook. Contrary to his expectations, she seemed enthusiastic and promised that they would start planning as soon as Thor had left the next morning. 

Thor's holidays were over, but he promised to come back later in the summer to finish the garden. Bill would have to leave two days later as well.


	6. A day at the beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Loki spend a day at the beach and become closer.

Loki was surprised how much he missed Thor when his ex was back in Thrudheim. He told himself that it wasn’t really Thor. It was just that in Walis he knew virtually no-one apart from Frigga and Odin. He didn’t admit it to anyone, but he was happy that Bill had decided to study nursing in Walis. He had scolded his brother for it, insisting that it was enough that Frigga focused her life on him, he didn’t want his brother to feel obligated to do anything. Yet he still looked forward to Bill’s arrival for the term. 

He had never socialized much, but having someone in the same town so they could maybe occasionally have coffee or dinner together was something he desperately craved by now. Sigyn was a great best friend, but her parents lived in Jotunheim (and she worked for her father’s company during the summers) and studied in Thrudheim. She came as often as could reasonably be expected to but it wasn’t the same as having a friend in town to actually meet face to face. She came to stay for a few days shortly after Thor left. 

Out of respect for Frigga she didn't say much about Thor when she arrived and she was also reluctant to discuss Thor when they were alone. When they spent the evening alone, she reminded Loki that she had told him several times via skype, that she had always considered Thor to be extremely shallow. Thor had also ignored her whenever they encountered each other in Thrudheim which was more frequent than one would expect. She was still friends with Pepper, who was still together with Tony most of the time, who still was Thor's friend. And Tony still loved his parties. 

So far, they had never talked about any of that. Now that he had seen Thor (and Fandral) again, Loki was curious however. However, Sigyn was not exactly a well of information. She vaguely said that she thought that Thor had had a thing with somebody called Amora (that couldn’t possibly be her real name), but that that was over now. He didn’t want to press her further. Sigyn was already suspicious of his growing closeness to Thor.

 

Thor came back for an extended week-end in mid-August, shortly before university was set to start. He had worked through the previous weekend and thus got Thursday and Friday off. And he turned up in Walis on Wednesday evening with a surprise. He asked Loki to come to the beach with him. When Loki objected on the basis of his wheelchair, Thor put on his annoying grin.

"That's no excuse. I did some research, you see. Gammelby's beach is a not even an hour away by car and they rent out beach-chairs for a day. We can call tomorrow to see if they have one available or book one for Friday I guess."

"So you will be gone for a whole day? Just the two of you?" Frigga interposed.

"Unless you want to come too, Mum. But you never really liked the beach, did you?"

She smiled despite herself. "No, I didn't. It's just ... well, are you going to take care of Loki if he needs something?"

"Yes, why not?"

Frigga looked to Loki. They both could think of several reasons why not. Thor sighed.

"Look, I got at least an idea from the last time I was here. And if I understood correctly, Loki can be transferred fairly easily without risk of further injury, right? Loki can just tell me what he needs."

Frigga seemed on the brink of opposing Thor's scheme, but then she looked to Loki instead.

"Well, what do you think, darling?"

Good question. He bit his lower lip. Part of him, a rather large part of him, wanted to refuse outright. But another part of him, the part that his therapist sought to encourage, told him that it was time to venture outside his very narrow comfort zone some more. So he gave a terse nod of consent.

"It might be nice", he conceded. 

He should probably thank Thor in advance, but he couldn't get himself to do it. Thor beamed anyway.

"Brilliant. I hope they’ll have a chair available tomorrow, the weather promises to be excellent."

Considering that Asgard had just suffered through two weeks of continual rain, any day without rain could be considered excellent.

 

When Thor called the rental shop in Gammelby the next morning it turned out that they did have a chair available. Thursday just after the school holidays was presumably not the busiest day. 

Frigga managed to let them go with only minimal fuss. She gave her son detailed instructions on how he needed to transfer Loki and how to make sure that the beach chair was suitable for Loki. She also provided a huge basket with food, drinks, copious amount of sunscreen and extra-clothes, but other than that she seemed ok with leaving Loki in Thor's hands and less worried then when they went to the zoo. 

Loki was still a bit annoyed with the overall fuss; he knew what needed to be done, he could instruct Thor should it be necessary, but now that he was ready for the day and given that they would be back in the evening, it really should be just fine. And renting the beach chairs was part of the rental shop’s business, surely they would have the right kind of cushion. 

 

Beach chairs looked ridiculous, Loki decided. He also hadn't appreciated being handled by Thor when he transferred. But he had to admit, once that was done, that beach chairs were a handy invention. The shop was right on the beach and with the help of his gloves he could move the thing on the sand for the most part and only needed minimal help by Thor. 

The weather was, indeed, gorgeous. The sky was a light blue, only speckled with a few white clouds in the far distance. It was only slightly windy (and truly, there was never a day without wind on Asgard's beaches). He could feel the wind on his face, enjoying the smell of salt and seaweed. He fancied he saw some harbour porpoises in the distance, but that might only be because it seemed to the perfect day for it. The beach was not very busy and much more peaceful than during the holidays. 

He was still wearing light clothes plus a hat, to protect him from sunburn and overheating and didn’t plan on taking them off. Thor, on the other hand, was only wearing swimming trunks and Loki was acutely aware of his broad, muscular physique. Thor was just as gorgeous as when they had first met.

There were a few young people attempting stand up paddling. They mostly fell into the water, laughing as they came up. Loki smiled as he was watching them. Maybe he was lucky, because even when he was able-bodied, that would have been his position. Watching other people fooling around while keeping his distance. Stand up paddling seemed right up Thor's alley though. He looked up at his gorgeous ex-boyfriend who was, indeed, also watching the would-be paddlers. He nudged him with his elbow.

"They rent boards here as well as wheelchairs, you know."

"Well ..." Thor seemed torn. "I don't want to leave you alone."

"Nobody's going to steal me." Loki did his best not to get annoyed. It was beautiful here and it had been Thor's idea. "Come on, I want to watch you fall face-down into the water."

"Oh, you think I won't do better than them?" He motioned at the group. "I'll have you know that Fandral, Hogun and me already practiced this sport. I’m more than able to keep my balance!"

"Then go on, prove it."

"I will." 

With the determined face Loki knew all too well, Thor stamped back to the rental shop, while Loki wheeled himself to a place a bit out of the way of the other people coming to the beach and into the shade. He had to remember to ask Thor to get the drinks out before he went off paddling. And then, back home, he would have to remember to figure out a system with Frigga so she could pack things in a way that he could actually access them without help. But that was neither here nor there now. 

Thor came back, an enormous board and paddle under one arm and a prematurely triumphant grin on his face. After he had given Loki his drink and refreshed himself as well, he walked to the water, admonishing Loki to watch him.

And he had been right of course. He only fell from the board once, when he tried to climb on it and a wave hit him, but then he was standing on it as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The little group of failing paddlers approached him shyly and, being the coach that he was, Thor proceeded to help them.

 

When Thor had returned the board, they went and got some late lunch in the small beach restaurant. Frigga had packed some sandwiches, but they both were practically starving. Thor asked a family that had just sat down, to move to another table as the Restaurant’s tables were packed so tightly that Loki could only sit at a table at the edge of the restaurant and all of them were occupied. They seemed a bit surprised, but moved. 

Loki’s mood turned dark when he realised that he would have to eat in public. Considering that he would go back to university, he should get used to it. He knew that Frigga had packed some vegetable sticks, so at the restaurant he just had a potato with herbed yoghurt sauce. Frigga made that so often at home, that he was very confident he could it efficiently. 

Thor prodded Loki into talking about several of the films he had watched recently, and in particular his judgement of them. He was as delighted as he always had been when Loki ripped a film apart and Loki soon forget all about his initial self-consciousness, as Thor threw his head back and roared in laughter when he heard Loki’s assessment of the latest Transformers film.

 

Once they were finished, and back at the beach, Thor dug around the huge bag Frigga had given him. 

“Do you want to lay down?" he asked, while he was already pulling out a large blow-up mattress.

"I do. But do we really need that stupid thing?"

Thor looked at the ground. "You know how many stones there are on these beaches. I could try to clean them all away in your spot, but if I miss one under the sand, you won't feel it and come home with a pressure spot or bruise or whatever you call it. Not only will my mother have my head, it would also be bad for you, no?"

"Shut up." Thor was right of course.

"Don't worry", Thor assured him. "It’s comfortable and you can still fell the sand under your hands."

Damn the man for remembering that Loki once said that the feeling of the warm sand was one of his favourite things about the beach. He also loved sifting through it in the search of shells or shell fragments. 

The transfer to the mattress was, luckily, rather swift. Thor also installed a small beach shelter next to them, which provided some shade in addition to shielding them from the wind. 

Loki closed his eyes, hands in the sand, feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time. 

 

Some time later he felt water dripping on his face. He opened his eyes a bit to find Thor suddenly kneeling over him. Thor smiled softly at him and combed some of Loki's stray hair back.

"Loki?" It was a husky whisper, nearly drowned out by the sound of the waves and sea-gulls.

"Hmmm?" Loki felt too lazy to open his mouth. Thor’s smile became a hesitant.

"I don't want to spoil the moment, but .... but can I kiss you?"

That roused Loki from his stupor and he widened his eyes.

"Excuse me?"

Thor looked the most sheepish Loki had ever seen him.

"I want to kiss you."

"Why?" It was the only word Loki could think of, his world had suddenly ceased to make sense. Thor’s crystal blue eyes looked straight at Loki, so full of painful sincerity that Loki could nearly physically feel the gaze.

"Well, you look gorgeous as usual, I had a nice day with you, and after the zoo I figured out that I am still in love with you and was the biggest idiot in the world to ever hurt you and let you go."

"Wow." Loki's usual eloquence had fled in shock. After a moment he felt Thor's hands in his hair again.

"So .... can I?"

"I ... I don't know." His brain had finally caught up. "I mean, you didn't really answer why. Do you just want to kiss me and remain sort-of kind-of friends as in the last few weeks? Or ...." 

The thought was so ludicrous, it took Loki a while to formulate it, but for once Thor waited patiently, still smiling tentatively. 

“Or do you want to rekindle our relationship?"

"Rekindle what we had. If there is anything to rekindle, after I destroyed it so utterly. I told you, I still love you." 

The beach didn't seem to be the right environment for this kind of conversation. Thor looked so sad and serious, his forehead wrinkled and his eyes still steady on Loki's face. 

"I know I don't deserve another chance, but well, I’m still asking for one."

"You want a relationship. With someone in a wheelchair. Whose biggest hope for physical improvement is to be able to move some of his fingers again?" Loki’s astonishment was clear in his voice.

"Yeah." Thor rubbed his face nervously. "You’ve got every reason to distrust my ability to do so. And I can't promise you that I won't mess up. In fact, you know me, I’ll definitely mess up at some point. But I mean it. I love you. And I’m able to learn."

Loki sighed. "Okay, you can kiss me. Whether we can do the relationship-business again, we will see."

Thor beamed again and Loki felt his heart melt before Thor's lips were even on his. 

Thor moved hesitantly, keeping the kiss chaste. His lips were a bit chapped, but so soft and yet so firm and the light pressure so familiar. Loki brought his arms up around Thor's neck to urge him on. It felt like heaven.

When Thor gently broke the kiss, he leant his forehead against Loki’s.

“You still taste wonderful.”

“You haven’t really tasted though.”

Loki couldn’t card through Thor’s hair with his fingers anymore, but he found that smoothing it with his palms was an adequate substitute. The salt in the water and the air had given Thor’s hair an extra-rough texture that he just loved. Thor chuckled and pressed a quick kiss on Loki’s brow.

“I was hoping that you would give me the opportunity to properly taste you at a later date.”

Loki turned his face away, but Thor just kissed his cheek. His beard scratched just like Loki remembered it, and he smiled again.

"You're an oaf," he informed Thor without rancour. 

"And we should get going if we want to be home in time for dinner."

 

The first half of their drive home was spent in silence. Thor occasionally reached over to gently stroke Loki’s arm when he didn’t need both hands on the wheel. It was amazing how, at the beginning of the summer, they had barely been able to be in the same room together and now it was all so familiar again. Thor’s touch send familiar sparks up his arm. Loki wouldn’t be Loki, however, if his thoughts wouldn’t start taking a darker turn.

“Thor?”

“Yes?” He sounded so happy.

“What are we going to do once we are home?”

“What …. Oh you mean, what do we tell my parents?”

“Yes, that … and ….” Loki sighed. “If it doesn’t work out a second time, what do I do then? I won’t be able to stay with your parents. I mean, the plan is that I move out eventually anyway, but it has been hard enough already with the distance you put between your mother and yourself, or the distance I put there, and if ….”

“I don’t plan to mess up again. And ….” 

Thor sighed too and pulled over into a small resting area. Apparently he was at least ready to discuss this seriously. Once he parked, he turned to face Loki. 

“I had a few talks with my mother over the summer. And other people. It wasn’t you who messed up anything between my mother and me, even if I admit I thought you did and resented you for it. She is, however, a grown woman who can make her own decisions. And my behaviour after your accident disappointed her greatly; that was my fault not yours. I don’t pretend to know what went on between my mother and you, if you talked about me … but you were traumatised by a pretty life-changing event and I had broken up with you, so …..”

Loki interrupted him. 

“At the beginning I said some awful things about you,” he admitted. “It hurt her though and first I stopped because I was scared she would kick me out for insulting her son. Then I just came to care about her too much to hurt her.” 

That was a very simplified summary of the emotional turmoil during the first few months before he began therapy.

“Be that as it may.” Thor’s voice was choked now. “We can’t change the past.”

“And we can’t know the future. Your mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t …. I can’t risk losing her over this.”

“I understand.” 

Loki didn’t like how subdued Thor’s voice sounded. It didn’t suit Thor’s boisterous and rather loud personality. But he had to press on. 

“And then there is Bill. He is the only family I’ve got left.”

“And you don’t want to distance him because of something that might not work out,” Thor finished the thought for him. .

"Yes. And Sigyn. It sort of damaged our friendship when I got together with you the first time, and particularly when I moved in with you, and well, I'd like to say she would respect my decision, but I ...."

He didn't finish the thought and they were silent for a while. Then he felt Thor’s hand very gently on his shoulder and he looked back to him. Thor’s smiled hesitantly, his eyes soft. Loki had hardly ever seen him like this.

“I really understand. And I also understand that a lot of things are going to change for you. Byleistr is moving to Walis and you are going to start university again. I am idiot for even proposing that you consider another major life-change. But will you let me keep trying to convince you that I have changed? And convince my mother and Byleistr and even Sigyn too? Thrudheim is not that far from Walis, I can come home on some weekends, when I am off.”

“That would be wonderful.” 

It turned out that Loki was still as powerless as always when Thor begged him. Thor beamed and lifted Loki’s hand to place a small kiss on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favourite chapter :)


	7. University in Walis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki starts his MA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short note about the way the university works: I only have experience with the University of Zurich in Switzerland, so the University in Walis works basically the same way.

Thor kept his word. The very next Friday he arrived in Walis, much to the delight of his parents. It was the weekend before Loki started university again and Loki was a nervous wreck. He could see that Frigga was relieved that his bad mood could also be directed at somebody else and be it her own son. Loki was hard to please on the best of days; when he was stressed out it was impossible. 

Before Thor had arrived he had thrown an apple around the kitchen, because it had slipped when he had tried to slice it. Frigga had informed him that he acted like Thor when Thor was in primary school. It didn't improve the overall mood in the household. Loki had told her that Thor was acting worse than that now, bringing up the dining table he once threw over when he was upset, and telling her that maybe she should have reined him in better when he was in primary school. Frigga told him that bringing up Thor's flaws wouldn't make things better.

Thor had appeared when Frigga was just about to help Loki get ready for bed. To her amazement Loki allowed Thor to come in the bedroom and Thor became the target of Loki's more acid remarks. Thor stayed when Frigga was gone and ruffled affectionately through Loki's hair. Loki sighed.

"I’m horrible, right?"

"And I expect you to become much worse over the weekend," Thor agreed cheerfully. "Monday is a big day."

"Don't remind me," Loki twisted his lips.

"As if you ever forget."

"Not for a minute", Loki agreed smiling without humour. "I'll try to behave. My therapist says my anger management is much improved."

"Well, we can put that to the test over the weekend. Now ...." Thor attempted to disarm Loki with his smile. "Considering that you acted like a petulant pre-schooler, do you want me to read you a good-night story?"

Loki stuck his tongue out, demonstrating that he had indeed learned to control his anger. Even before his accident he would have lashed out. Thor laughed gently.

"Okay, no good-night story. But may I kiss your cheek to wish you a good night?"

"You may." Loki turned his face to present his cheek as graciously as he could. 

He heard Thor's deep chuckle, before warm, stubbly lips firmly pecked his cheek. 

"Sleep well, my little prince. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night you idiot." Loki's mood was much improved as he watched Thor’s tall figure leave the room, turning back once more to smile tenderly at Loki.

 

On Saturday Thor helped Loki to go through his schedule again. He had already done this twice with Frigga, once with Odin (who liked to be involved in such things) and with Sigyn when she was there plus later via skype. Now it was Thor’s turn to reassure Loki that he had taken the right classes. 

He would do a double-major in Asgardian and English. Walis offered neither theatre nor film studies, unfortunately, but the English department regularly offered classes on different aspects of drama and they also included some film. The department of Asgardian was less good on film, but they had classes on Asgardian drama, so that was fine. 

Unfortunately, the class on Asgardian classical theatre was at the same time as the class on modern drama in English. He had finally decided on modern drama in English because he had actually written his BA thesis on Bragi Andersen, the greatest classical playwright in Asgardian, and he didn’t know much about modern drama in any language. Of course that was because he wasn’t that interested in it, so maybe it was the wrong choice. 

He wouldn’t have a full schedule, as he needed to leave enough time for physiotherapy and swimming, so he would only actually be at university on Monday and on Tuesday, as well as one more afternoon, in the moment it looked like it was going to be Friday. 

Because he took so few classes, he really needed to make sure that those were good, so he didn’t waste his time. He was a bit unsure about the Ancient Greek he had decided to take for extra-credits. 

Thor listened to the explanations of such scheduling dilemmas for one hour, before he asked for a break. Loki sighed.

“You’re right. I should stop fussing about it anyway. I’ve already picked the classes, it would be awkward to change them now.”

“Why? I assume you can still change your classes in the first few weeks as in Thrudheim?”

“In theory, yes. In practice, the department for Asgardian and their classrooms are very inaccessible. I wouldn’t even be able to get into the building. So they asked me to pick my classes early because they needed to find rooms in other buildings for those. They were a bit careful when they told me about that. I assume that legally, I could force them to change classrooms if I decided to take Asgardian theatre in week two. I would have to ask your father, but I think it is against the law to treat disabled students differently in the booking processes. But it wouldn’t make me very popular.”

“And you started caring about that since ….?”

“I might not actively seek popularity, as you do, but I try not to go out of my way to anger my instructors if I can help it. If that class on modern drama turns out to be utterly inane, I might ….”

Thor held up his hand. “Peace, Loki. Let’s talk about something else, I beg you.”

Loki laughed. “You’re right. I’m fretting too much. We talked with the disability office, we organized transport, I spent hours over the course descriptions, I’m prepared.”

“You‘re never quite satisfied with your preparations though.”

“Satisfaction doesn’t appear to be in my nature. I’ve always been this bad, haven’t I?”

“You are a bit of a perfectionist, yes. So, let’s forget about your studies for now, all right? ”

“The term in Thrudheim starts on Monday too, right?”

“Right. But we already started some training last week. Most of the first years are already there. Oh, and we’re going to play against Walis on the last weekend in October, I plan to stay for the weekend then. Are you going to watch the game?”

"Hardly."

"Oh, come on. I hoped you would support Thrudheim, we won't have that many people coming to cheer us on."

"A: Did you ever see me cheer anyone on? B: I am attending university in Walis now, so if I come I should probably support them."

Thor pouted. "But you used to go to Thrudheim. Tony is going to come, so you could sit with him."

"Great. Not only would I have to watch an inane game which for some unfathomable reason is stretched out over 90 minutes, I would have to ignore Tony's chatter about his own greatness and his newest silly inventions for the entire time too."

"He’s not that bad. And I thought you might enjoy his conversation, he is maybe even more intelligent than you." He held up his hands in defence when he noticed Loki’s reaction to that particular observation. "Okay, but he is certainly as intelligent as you are and he also likes to talk in sarcasm."

Loki twisted his lips. "Maybe we are too alike then."

"Please consider to come anyway. It would make me happy."

"And why would I want to do that?"

Thor looked so much like a wounded puppy that Loki felt a bit guilty. Before he could say anything, Thor spoke again, eyes on the ground.

"No reason of course. You can do whatever you want."

Loki couldn’t but unbend a little and he said as nonchalantly as he could: "I'll see what I can do."

"I'd really appreciate it." Thor looked up again and a small smile played around his lips. "I could take you out for dinner afterwards?"

"Don't you need to either celebrate or commiserate with your team afterwards?" Loki quirked an eybrow.

Thor laughed richly. "They all go back to Thrudheim that night to celebrate their victory or drown their misery there, they won’t all join me here. And they could survive without my presence for once."

"Hmm." 

That was certainly a new idea in Thor's mind. When they were dating, Thor never thought that his teammates could celebrate without him. Loki had felt compelled to go to a few of those celebrations in order to see his boyfriend at all.

 

The rest of the weekend Thor continued his displays of "perfect boyfriend material." It was enough to make anyone suspicious. 

He let Loki pick what they watched on Netflix, he drove Loki to a store on the other side of town just because they might have Portobello mushrooms, one of Loki's favourite foods. Unfortunately his love was not shared by many fellow Aesir and the mushrooms were in rather scarce supply. As it turned out, the shop did have Portobello mushrooms. And Thor grilled them to perfection later on (Odin gladly conceded the office of grill master to his son). 

 

On Sunday he got up early not to do his own exercise but to go to the pool with Frigga and Loki. Loki was against it at first; at the beach he had kept his trousers on, but in the pool he would wear swimming trunks which exposed his skinny, scarred legs. At least he always wore a shirt (it had been his condition when his physiotherapist had suggested the pool and Frigga had agreed. On top of that, he wore a swim vest. He was as covered as swim wear would allow). 

Thor didn't even look at his legs however and they annoyed some of the other early swimmers, as they started a small water fight. There was one awkward moment when Thor moved as if to dunk Loki but then remembered that that might not be a smart move with a tetraplegic, who was wearing a swim vest. He settled for tickling Loki instead (he had always been ticklish in his armpits. His injury just made that worse). The stern look Loki's squealing earned them from the lifeguard settled them down somewhat and they swam peacefully. Or as peacefully as Loki could, in such close proximity to Thor after Thor had practically dragged him in his strong arms, while he was grabbing and tickling Loki. The swim vest didn’t create enough of a barrier to stop Loki’s heart from beating faster when he felt himself being pressed close to Thor.

Swimming in the pool certainly wasn't exercise for Thor; Loki knew Thor's exercise schedule and doing some slow laps in a pool was about as much exercise for him as getting off the couch and walking to the kitchen to get a drink was for the average person. 

He nearly kissed Thor when he had to leave on Sunday afternoon, but managed to stop himself.

 

On Monday, Loki was a bundle of nerves and Frigga didn't help at all, she was also jittery and managed to spill the first smoothie she had prepared for Loki and had to prepare a second one. They had planned the day meticulously. 

Frigga would drive him to university. From 10 to 12 he had a seminar on methods and theory, a mandatory course for Asgardian. Then he would wait for Bill; his school was near the university and they would have lunch together so Byleistr could help him where he needed it and he could also spend some time with his brother. From 2 to 4 he took a class in modern English drama. Then he would be picked up by a driver from AllMobile, the rather inane name for a company that provided taxi service for people with a disability at the prize of a standard bus fare. It saved Frigga a trip. And then his first day at his new university would be over. 

 

And it did go more or less according to plan. He was early for his first seminar. There was, as promised, absolutely no problem in getting to the room. The table for wheelchair users was a bit too low for him, but as he had planned to use his lap tray anyway that was no problem. 

The low point came when the instructor apologized for the “inconvenient room” which they had been assigned “because of special needs.” Right. Apparently the instructor had to walk 15 minutes rather than 5 to get to his classroom because of Loki. He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry about that. 

Lunch, on the other hand, went surprisingly well. Bill only had class until 11:30 and had already secured a table in the cafeteria. Bill was full of enthusiasm for his chosen field of study even if he had only attended one course yet. It was at least a bit endearing. As endearing as an Ymirsen could be, he assumed. 

The class on modern drama went well compared to his class in the morning. The teacher was a somewhat cold American called Emma. She briefly talked to Loki about his studies in Thrudheim and told him that he might find the level in Walis somewhat disappointing. He expected so too. But he was feeling uncharacteristically giddy just from being at university again. 

 

He was nevertheless quite exhausted when he made it to car park to find the AllMobile van. Apart from his day in the zoo and at the beach with Thor, he had never been outside for so long after his accident. 

And he never had moved around so independently before. He was sure he would enjoy that later on, but right now he just felt overwhelmed. This was Asgard, a country where everyone was trained that staring was very rude, but he had a constant paranoia that people were surreptitiously watching him. He had to figure out how to get from place A to place B, remembering what he had memorized from the floor plans about accessibility. 

 

Loki enjoyed studying again much more than he anticipated. He overcame his uncharacteristic shyness after only a week and started participating in his classes just as he had done in Thrudheim. He was always polite, but he never shied away from challenging the instructor’s or a classmate’s point of view. It didn’t make him immediately popular (it never had) but he felt alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter - I deleted quite a bit of stuff that was in here initially. It makes more sense like this even though I am not so happy with the structure now. It was too hot here for my brain to come up with a solution.


	8. Theatre

After his class on modern English drama in October Loki was approached by the instructor, Emma, who asked if he would have a bit of time to talk. As it happened, he had. He had an hour before he would be picked up, as he had intended to visit the library. 

They relocated to a small table near the coffee machine. As they both had their fill of caffeine, Emma finally got to the point.

“So ….. I noticed that you are pretty interested in the theatre, am I right?”

“I’m taking your class,” he pointed out drily. A quick smile flashed across her face.

“Yes, I know, but you’re the most eager student and you also seem to have some practical knowledge when it comes to performing.”

“I did some acting before I had the accident, yes. And I was in the drama group in my previous university.” He kept his voice steady.

“Excellent.” She smiled lightly. “Would you consider joining the drama group here?”

He frowned. “Do you need somebody in a wheelchair for a production?”

“No. What we do need, however, is a director. The student group here traditionally has one. It is usually a student, but Brynjolfur, our previous student-director decided last week that the humanities didn’t suit him and he dropped out. None of the other students wanted to take over as director, not even Angrboda, our president – truth to be told, we are lucky to have enough actors, the drama group is not that popular. The role of a director here is basically that the director is the one to criticise the others, tell them where they need to improve, help them with that and to make sure that everything fits together so we won’t have 10 different interpretations of the play on stage. I have filled the gap so far, but I thought maybe you would consider it?”

Loki gaped at her, his mind temporarily void. Then it dawned on him, slowly, that here was the opportunity to get into theatre again. Followed by darker thoughts. Would the other students accept directions from someone in a wheelchair? How would he demonstrate what he wanted them to do on stage, physically, considering his limited movements? He probably couldn’t even get on the stage. What …

“Loki?” Emma’s voice brought him back. “I can give you a few days to consider, of course, but would you consider it?”

He pushed the darker thoughts away. 

“Yes, of course. Just … um …. Is the place where you practice and where you put on the play actually accessible for me?”

“That’s a good question. I think so, but I‘ll need to check. Can I email you once I’ve done so and then we could set up a meeting of the entire drama group to see if it works out?”

“Sure. What play are you planning to perform this term?”

“Pygmalion.” She smiled again, something that was rather rare. “One of my favourites.”

It wasn’t one of Loki’s but it was ok. 

 

“You look excited”, Thor remarked when they skyped in the evening.

“I am waiting for an email.” Loki explained Emma’s offer. Thor beamed broadly.

“That’s great. Try to charm them, though.”

“Why? I need to charm them into accepting a tetraplegic? I need to get them to ignore that? I need to be better than ….”

Thor’s deep, even voice, interrupted him. “Stop it, Loki. First of all, you are better than most anyway. And secondly, no that’s not what I meant. But you know you can be difficult. You nearly got kicked out in Thrudheim, remember?”

“And then I became president.”

“Yes, of course, you are good after all. Those people don’t know that yet though. And they are already in the middle of their preparations and won’t be able to change everything just because you don’t like it.”

“I am not that terrible.”

Thor had the audacity to laugh at that. “Yes, you are.”

Loki pouted. “I don’t see what the harm is in insisting that the drama group should be the best it can be.”

“Do you really want me to tell you?”

“No.” Loki scowled at Thor. “I haven’t even met this group yet. I might not even get to meet them. Don’t just assume that I will have problems with them.”

“You know I love you anyway.”

Thor’s eyes held so much affection, even the poor video quality couldn’t disguise it.

“Thor ….” Loki growled now. Thor held up his hands.

“I am sorry. It just slipped out.”

“I just don’t want to think about it.”

They ended the call soon after that. The problem was, Loki had indeed decided that he would not think about the possibility of getting back with Thor for the moment. There was so much else going on. It was just that even he could not quite control his thoughts and emotions. 

Loki didn’t doubt that Thor meant it when he said that he loved Loki. He might have acted like an arsehole, he might still be a bit shallow, but Thor had never been a liar. He only said what he believed was true. And there was the problem. Thor truly believed that he loved Loki. 

But Loki had heard that once before. And Thor’s love had not been enough to keep him at Loki’s side during the most difficult time in his life.

 

The next day he received an email from Emma. The room they practised in was not accessible, but she managed to switch it with another group quite easily, so now they could have an accessible room. And the school where they usually staged their play in had assured her that the backstage area was accessible. She also claimed that the rest of the group was eager to meet him 

 

And so it came that only two days later, on the Thursday, he found himself in a larger classroom, which they used for their practice. He was a bit early, but there were already three other people in the room, seated on the tables (chairs were for plebeians, apparently). The largest, an enormously tall and broad girl, looked at him in some surprise. Didn’t Emma tell them that he was in a wheelchair? Then she smiled.

“Hey, you live in my street!”

That was one way to introduce oneself, Loki presumed. “Hugin Street?”

“Exactly.” She grinned. “I’ve seen you around a few times. You’re hard to miss.”

Because he was the only one in a wheelchair of course. He forced a smile anyway. “I’m Loki.”

“Yes, of course.”

One of the boys seemed to have found his manners. He was also rather broad, though not quite as tall as the girl. 

“We already knew your name, of course, because Emma told us. I’m Fenrir, I’m a first year student here and obviously just started in this group as well. This is Angrboda, or Angie, our president,” he pointed to the large girl who only grinned, “and this is Narfi. He’s in his second year.”

“First year in the drama group though.” Narfi looked a bit hesitantly at Loki’s hand. Right, that always confused people. The lack of handshake. He smirked.

“Nice to meet you all.”

Angrboda grinned again. “Yes, I guess we need to wait with discussing all theatre-related stuff until the others have arrived, wouldn’t be fair. But you are from Jotunheim too, aren’t you?”

Her accent gave her away, and he guessed that his must still be tainted enough, even though he had tried to get rid of it. Sometimes, when he was nervous, like now, it slipped out. Jotunheim was associated with Laufey. He nodded and Angrboda continued with small talk about his hometown, until the room was full. 

Emma was also there and she was the one to call them all to attention. Loki had to introduce himself to the entire group (there were around 10 people) and recounted his previous experience with drama including the fact that he had been the president of the group in Thrudheim. They then discussed what they had planned for their performance of Pygmalion. As he had expected, he was slightly underwhelmed, but he remembered Thor’s words and tried to remain polite. Angrboda argued with him about nearly every idea he had, but she didn’t appear to be offended, so that was good. In the end, they decided that this would work well. 

Loki was overjoyed when he came home and Frigga had to laugh at him, because it was so unusual to see Loki so animated.

 

Sigyn came to visit on the weekend. She hadn’t taken any classes that term and was just concentrating on writing her master thesis so she could stay from Friday to Monday. Frigga was delighted to see her. But then again, Frigga was generally delighted to see people, just like her son. 

After dinner, Loki took Sigyn to his bedroom to talk, as if they were a couple of teenagers. However, he realised that he had always avoided to tell her about the kiss with Thor, Thor’s declarations of love and his intent to get back with Loki. He couldn’t exactly do that in front of Thor’s parents (who also didn’t know anything about it). 

Sigyn was, predictably outraged. First of all, because Loki hadn’t told her right after the “incident” at the beach. Secondly, because of Thor. 

“He’s far too cocky”, she repeated for the umpteenth time. “Who does he think he is?”

"I did allow him to kiss me", Loki pointed out almost timidly.

"Yes, I suppose you did. So do you want to be back together with him?"

"I ... I don't know.” Loki looked down at his hands. “The attention he gives me is kind of nice. And I believe he is sorry for what he did.”

“That doesn’t answer my question though. Do you want to get back together again? Do you want to have a relationship with him again?”

“I really just don’t know. I thought I was finally getting over him in July, and then he just became so nice and attentive and told me he loved me ….”

“And do you love him?”

It wasn’t as if Loki hadn’t asked himself the very same question. However, all he could do now was remain silent. The truth was complicated. Sigyn waited patiently, though, for him to order his thoughts somewhat.

“I somehow also don’t know. I mean, on the one hand, yes I obviously have a lot of residual feelings for him. His opinion matters a lot to me; I practically melt when he smiles at me, it makes me happy to see him happy. On the other hand … you know how I practically worshipped him when we first got together.” 

Sigyn made a noise that was somewhere between laughter and disgust. He shrugged helplessly.

“Well, when he was just not strong enough to even face me when I was injured and was too cowardly to even visit his parents because I was there for nearly a year, apart from that very brief visit on Yule day… that was very disenchanting. I only really realised this summer how much. I don’t really trust what’s happening now. He says he has changed. He probably believes he has changed. But I just don’t know. It is one thing to pursue someone in a wheelchair because you know you made the morally wrong decision two years ago. It’s a different thing to actually be with that person. I guess I’m still in love with him then. I just don’t trust him the stability of his feelings.”

“Which is a really bad basis for any relationship.”

“Precisely.” Loki sighed.

“So you should just tell him to forget it.”

“You know me. I enjoy this attention. I enjoy it when he is telling me how sorry he is, and what a bad person he is.”

“Maybe you should just get to know more people. See the alternatives?”

They thus didn’t really solve anything, not that that could be expected. Yet Loki felt better about the entire situation after talking to Sigyn. 

No man is an island indeed. Old John Donne had been right, though he was only a metaphysical poet. He giggled when he remembered what Samuel Johnson had to say about them. Sigyn asked him why he laughed and when he told her, she called him a nerd.

 

On Saturday morning Loki received a text message from Angrboda. *BBQ @ my place 2night?* He looked at his phone in confusion, until Sigyn snatched it away.

“Who’s Angie?”

“The president of the drama group. The one I told you about? Giant girl from Jotunheim?”

“Oh that one. Great. Ask her if you can bring a friend!”

“Who said I’m going?”

“I am.” She pushed the phone back to him. “Come on. Socialize with your new drama group. Meet new people.”

“You mean people who aren’t Thor.”

“Yes. Now go on!”

He gave up and sent back: *A friend from Jotunheim is visiting. Can she come?*

*Sure! Hugin Street 25, start @ 7. Bring own meat.*

“Let’s hope I can get into their house.”

“If not, we just turn back. It’s humiliating for her not for you if she invited you without thinking it through,” Sigyn pointed out. “Now let’s head to the shop to get some meat. We can also make some cake so we’ve got something else to bring.”

 

Angrboda’s house was semi-accessible as it turned out. The barbecue was in the backyard, and Loki needed occasional help from Angrboda and Sigyn to make it there via the path alongside the house. From the backyard he could get into the living room but not beyond. 

“That’s all you need, though,” Angrboda said cheerfully. “We don’t make our guests clean the dishes and if you need the loo you can get back to your house, it’s so close.”

Loki felt that he really didn’t need to let Angrboda know about his toilet routines. He just nodded. A large part of the drama group was there too. Fenrir and Narfi gravitated towards him.

“We don’t really know anyone here,” Fenrir explained, as he settled himself next to Sigyn. “I just started here and those are older students.”

Sigyn smiled at him in a way that Loki never could. “I don’t even study here. I’m just visiting Loki.”

“Are you two together?” 

The two younger students looked curiously between the two of them and they laughed. Loki was oddly pleased that somebody thought him capable of having a girlfriend. 

Later in the evening it transpired that Angrboda had also assumed that Sigyn was his girlfriend. He was displeased that he cared so much about other people’s judgements and assumptions. Maybe he was only kidding himself when he said that he didn’t really care about what other people thought. 

However, Sigyn was there to pull him out when one of his darker moods overcame him during the evening. It followed the same pattern social events with Sigyn always had. Loki was observing from the sidelines, while Sigyn stayed mostly with him and took over his part of conversations with strangers until he felt comfortable enough to participate. He was intensely grateful that she had chosen to visit on this weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	9. Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short transition chapter :)

The very next Monday he waited for Bill to bring their food at the cafeteria, when Fenrir suddenly appeared next to him. 

“Hey Loki! Are those seats free?”

“My brother will be here in a moment, but the rest is free I assume.”

“Great!” He smiled broadly, and pulled another young man closer. “This is Jormungandr. We call him Jorre. He’s my twin brother.”

They hardly even looked like brothers. Where Fenrir was broad, stocky and didn’t bother to tame his wild hair, Jorre was tall, slim and looked even sleeker than Loki. He smiled tightly now. 

“Hi. Do we really not bother you?”

“You are free to sit everywhere you want.”

“Great!” Fenrir repeated himself. “You stay here Jorre, I get us food.”

 

Fenrir suddenly appeared in many places that Loki was. Loki didn't know if he should be irritated or flattered by the fact that the younger student so obviously tried to befriend him. 

It was however obvious that Fenrir and Narfi would be invaluable in his dealings with the drama group. They both agreed immediately with all his suggestions. 

He told the rest of the group, as sternly as he dared, that their performance was too much influenced by "My Fair Lady" and that he thought they should stay closer to the actual play by Shaw. Angrboda argued that most people in the audience would expect that and that Shaw had fought a losing battle; sometimes the playwright didn't know best. Loki said that they shouldn't care so much about audience expectations. And Fenrir and Narfi immediately spoke up to concur, claiming that they disdained audience expectations and that they were not a commercial company that had to bow to such demands. Angrboda had laughed and the rest of the group had soon agreed to make some changes. 

Fenrir became, without any official decision, Loki's right hand, doing whatever Loki was incapable to do or just didn't feel like doing. He reminded Loki much of himself when he was that age. He had never sought to attach himself to someone as Fenrir so clearly did, but the ambition and the ruthlessness, the haunted looks and the outward show of superiority and brazenness were all too familiar. 

He didn't dare asking about his past and Fenrir didn't offer much information, besides mentioning once that Jorre and he had lost their mother when they were 17 and had lived with an aunt since then. 

 

He had lunch with Fenrir (and Jorre) twice; it was nice not having to go home to Frigga. Fenrir tried to help a bit too much at first, but he soon backed off after Loki criticised him. Jorre told his brother that he should have known better. 

It transpired, that there mother had been a paraplegic following an accident shortly after the twin’s birth. They only remembered their mother in a wheelchair. After that information was out, Fenrir acidly added that their father, bastard that he was, “graciously” decided not to divorce his crippled wife but that he had been clearly disgusted by her. He spent many nights away from home, especially once the boys were deemed old enough (with 6) to take over most tasks their mother wasn’t able to do anymore, which mainly meant shopping because the shop in their area was not wheelchair-accessible but as their mother had, unsurprisingly, spiralled into a deep depression, it quickly turned into doing practically all household chores and convincing their mother to get up in the morning and go to bed at night as well as arranging her transport to physiotherapy and motivating her to go there in the first place. 

The boys had been 16 when they found out that they had a 12 year old half-brother. Fenrir and Jorre seemed almost emotionless when they retold the story, apart from the biting sarcasm they used when they referred to their father. 

It was not the most pleasant lunch in Loki’s life to put it mildly. Especially when Fenrir considered it necessary to assure him that he didn’t spend time with Loki because he reminded him of his mother, but that maybe he had accepted him immediately in the drama group because for him someone in a wheelchair was nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Loki finally decided to attend the blasted Thrudheim University vs. Walis University football game. He had never felt quite comfortable in this world. While Asgard was very progressive when it came to homosexuality, and most people had few problems with it, there were still many in the athletic world who were somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of gay (or bisexual, in Thor's case) players. Being gay was okay as long as one didn’t attempt to do “manly” sports it seemed. 

Thor was the golden boy, he was a good player and apart from the fact that he happened to have a boyfriend, conformed to every facet of heterosexual Asgardian masculinity. They could overlook his sexuality, as long as Loki wasn't there as a very visible reminder so when Thor brought him along to some game or party, he could always feel the disapproval and discomfort of the others. 

Now however, they were not dating so maybe it was okay to come to the game as a friend? Fenrir would also be there, so he wouldn't necessarily have to suffer Tony Stark. Jorre played on the Walis team, so Loki had informed Thor that he felt compelled to be on the side of his new acquaintance. Thor was as easy to provoke as always and had pouted and pointed out to Loki that he knew some of the players on the Thrudheim team as well. That was only half-true. He probably encountered them at one some stupid party that he hated but had ignored them. 

 

On the Saturday of the game Frigga came with him, while Odin made his excuses. It was the first time she would watch a game with Thor as a coach and she was quite excited. Even though she confessed that she had little idea of what a coach actually did. They had always just been the people who organised the competitions and trips when Thor was little. He told that it was a bit like the director.

Once they were there Loki hurried to find Fenrir, before he could be waylaid by Tony, but he was too late. Pepper, scarily efficient as always, spotted him and the unlikely couple bore down on him and Frigga. Frigga greeted him only a little bit confused, she soon remembered which of her son’s friends this was. Loki waved when he finally saw Fenrir. Once Fenrir was there, Loki smiled, using all the Ymirsen charm at his disposal.

“Tony, Pepper, I’m going to sit over there with Fenrir. This is my new university, so I should ingratiate myself here. I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

Tony did not look okay, but Pepper nodded. “Absolutely Loki. It is nice meeting you again anyway. We will see you after the game.” 

She pulled at Tony who looked at her in slight confusion. Frigga asked if she could come with them, as she should support her son’s side which completely derailed anything Tony might have said in protest, and Loki nudged Fenrir to get moving. Their choice of where to go was somewhat limited, and Fenrir ended up shooing a few overenthusiastic girlfriends away from one of the few spots at the fence where they could actually sit together. 

 

Loki was half asleep when the game ended with a victory for Thrudheim. Jorre was nevertheless in a semi-good mood when he came to the fence to talk with his brother. Apparently he hadn’t expected to be allowed to play 45 minutes in his first game. Loki said something complimentary which he didn’t think fooled Jorre for a moment and excused himself. He needed to find Frigga and, he supposed Tony, while they waited for Thor.

By now spectators and players mingled and it was hard enough for anyone, able-bodied or not, to make their way anywhere but outside, so Loki gave up trying and followed the flow. Halfway through the tunnel that led out of the area off in a hallway led to the lockers. Players talking to their friends and family blocked the path here and he soon found that Frigga, Tony, Pepper and Thor were part of that. Thor beamed when he saw Loki, but Loki only told them that they were in everybody’s way and should wait for Thor outside. 

Thor's team tried to pull him away anyway by now, so they graciously agreed with Loki. It wasn't such a brilliant idea, as now he was exposed to Tony's very own brand of insolent exuberance. Tony had graduated the previous year, but as he was one of the wealthiest men in Asgard (certainly the wealthiest man under 30) that never mattered much. 

He was a tinkerer, or rather an actually brilliant inventor. So he considered it natural to bombard Loki with questions about his wheelchair, which he couldn't answer and thinking of several ways to improve it. Loki told him that he doubted that he needed a GPS integrated in his chair and that he certainly didn't want a chair that would automatically drive him to certain coordinates. Tony then asked about a dozen other things. How did he cook? How did he use a computer? 

When it came to the bathroom, Loki had enough and told him to mind his own business. Pepper put a restraining arm on Tony and reminded him, that he could do his own research on tetraplegic gadgets and didn't need to badger Loki about it. 

"There are other things you two can talk about, you know", she pointed out.

"I'm an inventor, Peps. I love gadgets."

Tony's whine was nearly endearing and Loki had to stifle a grin. He was every inch the privileged white kid. But they should possibly cut him some slack; at least he attended a normal university in Asgard rather than an elite university in the US which had been his father’s plan for him. He was rich and brilliant enough to have his pick of any university in the world but decided to stay local and he made friends among the other students (such as Thor) rather than staying in the privileged kids club.

"I understand", Loki therefore said, surprising everyone. Therapy seemed to have worked some. "It's just that I am not that interested in gadgets. I need some stuff now that I didn't need before and it's great that there are people like you who like to figure out stuff that makes living easier. But it's also kind of personal."

Tony perked up a little bit. "I guess."

"Tony is shameless and has no concept of privacy", Pepper supplied, looking at her boyfriend with a mixture of fondness and exasperation.

 

Thor joined them shortly afterwards, having dismissed his team. Loki was relieved. He knew that Tony didn’t mean any harm, but he still felt a bit uncomfortable. Thor, however, managed to get rid of the awkwardness. He suggested that they move to the small café near the stadium. 

Not a lot of people seemed to want coffee after the game, they easily found a table and Thor was happily boasting about his new players. Loki refused to drink anything. He was ok now with drinking in public in the company of Frigga, Sigyn, Bill or Thor but there was no way he was going to do it under Tony's curious stares. 

Tony of course then asked about wheelchairs and sport but Thor knew that Loki didn’t like such topics and deflected it easily. Tony was boisterous and self-confident, but no match against Thor’s own brand of forcefulness and exuberance. Shortly afterwards Pepper insisted on going, since they had to drive back to Thrudheim and she didn’t want to get there too late.


	10. Decisions

Much to Loki's surprise it turned out that Thor hadn't forgotten his promise to take Loki out for dinner if he came to the game. He prefaced that with a lengthy complaint about the difficulty of finding restaurants, which were accessible which diminished the pleasure a little bit. He had finally booked a table in a restaurant a little outside Walis after some discussion with Frigga, which she had never told him about. 

He was in two minds about it; he was eating at the cafeteria on a regular basis now, but to eat in a nice restaurant? Then he mentally slapped himself. He really needed to get a grip on himself. Loki Ymirsen would do whatever he bloody well pleased, eating in a restaurant included. 

 

Thor (and Frigga) had chosen well. It was a cosy little traditional restaurant, Gladsheim Kro. Only part of the restaurant was accessible, but that turned out to be an advantage, because they sat in the corner of a fairly small room. All his panic and his mental preparation turned out to be, once more, vastly exaggerated. This was hardly a huge room with all eyes on him (like the cafeteria). He asked the waitress to cut up his meat for him in the kitchen, which she wrote down without even blinking. 

He felt a surge of affection for Thor. Although he came into the process very late, he had come to play a bigger part than he probably realised in Loki's recovery. Frigga, Sigyn, Bill or even Odin had hardly ever pushed him to go outside and face his fears of being in public. Other than, and this was rather large, encouraging him to go back to university. But when he opposed the idea of going to a restaurant after Odin proposed it (as a celebration once he submitted his application to the university), the idea was dropped. 

As soon as Thor had re-entered his life, he had taken Loki outside, without hesitation. He had the advantage of having avoided Loki during his darkest hours, so it must have seemed more natural to him than to the others and he overrode Loki’s feeble protests without fearing a mental breakdown or explosion of anger. Thor didn’t notice that he did anything remarkable. 

Now he talked excitedly about the various activities as a coach at Thrudheim. Then he enthused about the new climbing hall in Thrudheim, where he regularly went with Fandral. Suddenly he stopped, a tiny crease between his brows.

“Is that okay for you?”

“Is what okay for me?”

“I mean, that I talk about all this stuff that you can’t do anymore?”

Loki groaned. And it had gone so well … 

“You should know me well enough to know that I would have stopped you. I hate it more when people stop talking about certain things around me. I know that the rest of the world doesn’t have my limitations.”

“Okay.” Thor looked a bit sheepish, and played with his food in a nervous gesture. “I am good at messing things up.”

“You did fine up to that,” Loki assured him, and Thor laughed a little.

“That’s a relief. And now you’ve got a good excuse why you can’t come with us.”

“As if I’d need one.”

“I do try to convert basically everyone I meet,” Thor admitted. Loki wondered when he would run out of new exciting ways to exercise. 

 

On Sunday morning Odin and Frigga were attending a brunch at the house of some important member of Odin's party. Frigga had complained about it being the same weekend that her son came to visit, but she had caved in eventually and decided to go to support Odin's further career. Thor assured her that he would only leave with the 7pm train and they could spend time together in the afternoon.

What remained unspoken was, that he was now a regular guest again anyway. Frigga did not have to stay at home or make something special to honour his visit. Loki had some small early breakfast with her as he took his medicine, but decided to eat again later with Thor, once he got up.

 

Thor was still in an exceptionally good mood, as he sang some silly song while taking the freshly baked bread rolls from the oven. He always had freshly baked bread on Sundays and made it himself in Thrudheim. 

Loki prepared some coffee in the new coffee machine and got some juice on the table. He then surveyed the huge plate of rolls that Thor had just placed on the table.

"Who's going to eat all of that?"

"Us of course." Thor sat down and took three rolls. 

"I'm not one of your players and I had a smoothie already. One is probably enough for me."

"Then I'll just eat the rest or we freeze them. I hope you enjoy it, I filled them with cream cheese and lingonberry jam."

His favourite. "You do have good memory," he complimented Thor before he gingerly took a roll. 

"Occasionally." 

Thor predictably basically stuffed himself. One wondered why he bothered making delicious food when he never took the time to savour it. 

Loki took his time; one roll would really be enough but it did taste heavenly.

“Sometimes you’re a domestic god.”

“Only when it comes to breakfast though.”

“Good enough.” 

Thor laughed. “I’ll take that.” 

They sat in companionable silence as they finished their breakfast. Thor actually didn’t manage to eat all the rolls, so he had to put the leftovers in the fridge.

 

Thor decided to forego his usual exercise routine after breakfast, because he felt far too stuffed. They ended up sitting on the couch (Thor only needed to help a bit, Loki was getting much better with transfers). He was quizzing Loki on his Ancient Greek vocabulary (Loki had taken that class purely out of interest. His Asgardian studies also allowed him some “studium generale” credit points, which he filled with it). 

Once they had gone through all the cards, Thor put them on the table and looked at Loki with a mixture of seriousness and affection, which made Loki very uneasy.

“I know it’s only been two months since I sort of ambushed you at the beach with, well with my declarations of feelings and intention, I guess. And I know you had so much new coming into your life, with your classes, and the theatre group, and the people the group brought, and ….”

“What is your point, Thor?” He was pretty sure he knew it, he just couldn’t suffer through Thor’s roundabout speech right now.

“Well.” Thor scratched his scruffy beard a bit nervously. “I guess I want to know where you stand on this? I didn’t really ask back then, but you let me kiss you, and you let me be a bit affectionate since then, I just … I just want to know if I stand a chance? If you are definitely set against the idea of getting back with me, I’d rather know it now? I promise, I’d still be around and not abandon my parents again or not be your friend or anything, it’d be hard, but I would.”

Trust Thor to make a speech out of everything. Loki looked at Thor’s shoulder, stuck halfway between staring at his own hands and Thor’s face. 

“I …. I don’t know.” It was the same answer he had given Sigyn many times.

“Why don’t you know? Please help me understand.” He could tell by Thor’s voice and the way his eyebrows had drawn together that he had to work very hard to remain patient.

“I just ….” He paused, rearranging his thoughts. “I do still have feelings for you. Or again. But …. there is just so much that tells me it is a very bad idea.”

Thor very clearly suppressed a large smile because he was happy but unsure and it was sort of endearing. 

“Why is it a bad idea? Because you can’t trust me anymore? Because you live with my parents and because my mother is so important to you that you rather not risk making things awkward?”

“Yes. That’s part of it. And the rest is …. I mean I’ve heard that disabled people date and even marry and all that. I heard of tetraplegics who are married with kids. So in theory, yes I know it’s possible. In practice … I don’t know how to do this now.”

“Well neither do I. We would just sort of figure it out together?”

Loki smiled slightly. “Obviously. You just … you just don’t seem the type to be able to do it.”

Thor’s smile fell and he looked like a wounded puppy once more. It was only made worse by Loki’s knowledge that Thor never did it on purpose. It just never occurred to him to manipulate someone. He hadn’t meant to hurt Thor. His desire to hurt Thor had faded over the last few months. He therefore tried to explain. 

“I don’t mean to say that you are a bad person. It’s just …. You are so physical. And look at your lifestyle. You are extremely active.”

“You’ve never been that way though”, Thor pointed out, with some of his typical determination back in his voice. “When I switched to Calisthenics and tried to convince you to join me in the park, you just looked at me with that Loki-look that said that I had lost my brain somewhere.”

“Yes. But you still dragged me along and we still did stuff together like hiking and bungee jumping. Could you be with someone who, as I mentioned at the beach already, has no greater hope for further healing than maybe moving his fingers again?”

“I’ve given it a lot of thoughts over the last four months. And yes, I think I could. I mean ….” He looked a bit unsure again, but carried on “… you wouldn’t grudge me doing stuff with my friends, right?”

“As long as you’d still find time for me.”

“Always a priority”, Thor promised, starting to look hopeful again.

“I know from your point of view I was only being a selfish bastard during the last two years, but I seriously also grew up a little bit. And as for my parents ….” He continued overriding Loki’s attempt to reply, “… we’d have to tell them, of course, but what I would tell them, and what I think we should do anyway, is that we are taking things slow. I live in Thrudheim and I wouldn’t be able to come that much more often than I did the last few months. This weekend is not the only weekend we do have a game and sometimes I have to take over exercise classes on the weekend. And as I said before, I promise whatever happens, I won’t stop visiting. Do you think you could do that too?”

Loki contemplated pretending he didn’t understand what Thor meant, but then he sighed. 

“You know I’m more vindictive than you. I’d have a hard time being nice to you if thing turn sour. But for Frigga, I would be able to accept your presence.”

“So can I kiss you?”

It was so typical Thor that Loki laughed. 

Thor leant towards him and Loki looped his arms around Thor’s neck as Thor closed the small remaining distance. The kiss was sweet and slow, they barely brushed their lips against each other and the feathery touches tingled. Gradually Thor deepened the kiss, firmly pressing his lips against Loki. When he teased Loki's lower lip with his tongue, Loki moaned quietly. The small sound unleashed something in Thor and Loki felt himself pulled closer. 

He vaguely realised that Thor must hold him around his waist, but he couldn’t feel it. It only bothered him for one brief moment, before Thor opened Loki's mouth with his tongue, and then there was the velvety heat in his mouth and he could taste Thor, he never forgot what Thor tasted like but it was still so wonderful and rich and he never wanted to stop feeling Thor so intimately. 

He whimpered when Thor pulled back and then felt himself blushing in shame. What was he, 15? Thor chuckled, but it wasn't mocking, the sound was full of affection as were his eyes. 

He leant forward again to pepper small kisses all over Loki's forehead, his hand having come up to pet Loki's hair. Loki closed his eyes and put his head on Thor’s shoulder. They sat like that for a while, but then it became just too uncomfortable and Loki pushed himself upright again. 

“So – is that a yes?” 

Again, Loki nearly melted at the uncertainty in Thor’s voice. He appreciated that Thor asked; that he respected Loki’s reservations despite the amazing kiss and cuddle they had just shared. He nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“As you said, we can take it slowly. We already skyped a lot over the last few months, so now we just add kisses and cuddles and then we see. Is that okay?”

“That’s brilliant.” 

Thor smiled warmly and leant forward to kiss Loki’s forehead again. 

Then they watched a film, until it was time to prepare lunch. Loki impressed Thor with his toaster-oven skills; he grilled two gilthead breams to perfection, while Thor was taking care of the potatoes and steamed some vegetables. Loki didn’t require any sauce with that, but Thor put liberal amounts of herb butter on his food, which made Loki shudder. 

After lunch they were back on the couch. Both were reading, but Thor had his arm over Loki’s shoulder. All in all, it was perfectly domestic and familiar.

 

Frigga and Odin found them like this. Thor blushed as if he was still a teenager and retrieved his arm. Loki also felt a bit sheepish. That was not exactly the way he had wanted to tell Odin and Frigga about what was happening. It was Odin who cleared his throat and spoke first.

“So I take it that my son’s campaign has borne fruit.”

“Indeed.” Loki managed to look just as emotionless as Odin. Frigga chuckled.

“Well, I am happy that my two favourite boys are happy. And you are happy, right?”

Thor’s beaming smile gave his answer, Loki just nodded. She swept down to give both of them a kiss on the cheek. “That’s great.”

And that was that. Odin retreated to his office to look at some reports and Frigga went to the kitchen, complained that Thor had only soaked the pots he used but had not washed them and then did it herself, even though Thor had come from the living room to do it. 

It turned out to be a perfectly normal Sunday afternoon, but Thor kissed him before he went back to Thrudheim and that made it so much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how regularly I can update in the future - real life is getting difficult in the moment, but so far writing actually helps me to take my mind off some of the craziness.


	11. Green Eyed Monster

After a not very satisfying practice session (really, they could not hope to beat Nilfheim, if his players didn’t shape up. Walis was easy, Nilfheim was not) Thor came home to the empty flat on Tuesday evening, as usual. It was still the same flat he had moved into with Loki, nearly 2 ½ years ago. He never brought that up so he didn’t know if Loki was aware that he still lived there. 

After the accident, Loki had never been in here again; the apartment block was ridiculously inaccessible. Steep stairs led to the building, which didn’t have a lift but a narrow staircase. Frigga and Sigyn had collected Loki’s belongings back then, which Thor had already packed in boxes. He had cried back then, but they were mainly tears of self-pity. He had changed some of the decoration; mainly replacing Loki’s art prints (which he had packed) with posters of various sport events. 

He let himself fall down on his bed, the one he had shared with Loki, after he ordered some Pizza.

It had been two weeks since he and Loki had rekindled their relationship. He still felt a bit giddy every time he remembered that kiss and the way Loki had looked at him. He wasn’t sure how he deserved it, but Loki so clearly still had strong feelings for him. And kissing him had felt so, so right. 

Unfortunately, his schedule hadn’t yet allowed him to go back to Walis; Skype was a poor substitute now that he could actually kiss Loki again. But after the game in Walis, Thor’s Rugby team had a match the next weekend. They won, of course. And he called Loki right afterwards to tell him the good news. But it still wasn’t good enough. The weekend after the entire team of sport instructors at Thrudheim University had gone hiking near Jotunheim. Thor had contemplated not going in order to see Loki, but Loki had insisted that he go “networking”. 

And he couldn’t go this weekend, because Loki told him that his theatre group would have an intensive rehearsal weekend so he wouldn’t have time for Thor.

 

So far he hadn't told anyone yet about his renewed relationship. It felt as if he would jinx it. Everything still felt so fragile. He knew he broke Loki's trust two years ago and that wasn't something that was so easily regained. Especially in Loki's case; Loki was not someone who warmed up to people quickly, let alone trust them. That was why, despite his inherent fierce desire for independence he was still living with Thor's parents after all. He didn’t trust anyone else to take care of him. 

Thor could not expect Loki to trust him again within four short months. He felt if he told his friends and teammates and everyone else, he might somehow move things too quickly and it would all fall apart. 

And, if he was completely honest with himself and took a rather uncomfortable look into the depths of his feelings, he was still very apprehensive about Loki's disability. He had a better idea of how it would affect their relationship, but he was still far from comprehending how exactly and to what extent. 

Was he able to cuddle Loki while they slept? Somehow he doubted it; his rather timid googling had not yielded sufficient results. And then there was sex. He sort of knew that disabled people had sex but he had somehow avoided researching it online. Who knew what he might find and it also nearly felt like an invasion into Loki's private space.

Loki had not indicated yet that he was ready to go any further than kissing at the moment, so maybe he would consider it some sort of violation if Thor googled what was possible or not. Not much would be possible, he knew that and he hoped that he could deal with it as well as he believed now he could deal with it.

 

His musings were interrupted when the doorbell rang. There was no superfast delivery boy at the doorstep but his old friend Sif. She looked rather worse for wear and he let her in with some confusion. They had studied together but somehow they had drifted apart in the last few years; he hadn't heard anything from her for at least 9 months, shortly after she met her current boyfriend. 

Sif looked around a bit nervously, and rubbed her hands together.

"I’m sorry to intrude Thor, I just couldn't think of any better place to come to."

"That's fine?" 

He still wasn't too sure what was going on here, but asked her inside and once she had divested herself of her jacket and shoes, Thor offered her a drink (orange juice, she'd always loved that) which she accepted. 

Once they were both seated at the kitchen table, Thor with a can of beer in his hand, he cleared his throat.

"I am delighted to see you of course. But to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Hardly a pleasure." She sighed and bit her lip. Thor, who really had learned patient, waited for her to continue. "You remember Njoerd?"

"Your boyfriend, yes. What about him?"

"Well .... he ... um ...." She nervously tugged at her scarf to expose her neck. Bruises which were clearly in the shape of fingers stood out harshly against her pale skin. Thor sucked in a breath.

"Did he ...." He reached out hesitantly and when he didn't find resistance lifted her hair. Yes, there was blood where nails had evidently dug into her skin. "Oh fuck."

"Yes." Her voice was a whisper now. "He isn't like that, not normally. It just really escalated today. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go; I know Njoerd is scared of you, even if he figures out that I’m here he won't come."

"I wouldn't let him to anything to you", Thor swore. 

The moment was broken by the doorbell; his pizza had arrived rather quickly after all. Once he paid the delivery boy he returned to the kitchen and placed it in front of Sif.

"Here, you look hungry. I can order something else for me in a bit."

"Thank you." Sif had a ravenous appetite. Thor watched her devour the pizza for a while."

"Did you contact the police?"

She shook her head, still focused on the pizza rather than him.

"You should."

"He really isn't like that, normally. It's just ...."

"Just?"

"I provoked him when he was high. I should know better than that."

"You shouldn't live in fear. Sif ...." He gently pulled the scarf away. "He could have killed you."

"No, he wouldn't have. I wouldn't have let him."

"Look, I ...." 

He gave up for the moment when she still refused to look at him and went over to his kitchen drawer where he kept his take-out menus. He was rather old-fashioned, he preferred that to looking for places on the internet. 

After he ordered some food for himself, more to occupy himself than out of any real desire for food, as his appetite had left him, he sat back down next to Sif, who had finished the Pizza by now and was just toying with the last bit of crust.

"Let me at least take some pictures of what your neck looks like now? So if you do decide to go to the police after all, you have some evidence?"

She looked like she might protest, but then she nodded. Thor brought out his fancy camera, a gift from his father to make better pictures during sport events. Now it served to make high-quality pictures of Sif's neck. When he was finished she admitted (more to the fridge than to him) that this was not the only place where she had bruises. She lifted her shirt and Thor took pictures of her bruised ribs too. 

When he noticed how she winced as she put the shirt back on, he gently asked her if they should go and see a doctor. It took nearly 10 minutes until she agreed. He remembered to send Loki a quick message telling him that he had to go to the doctor with Sif and would call the next day. 

They also had to wait for Thor’s food to be delivered, even though he did not take the time to eat it. His dinner consisted of some chocolate bars in the car as he drove her to the doctor.

 

As it was already nearly 9 o’clock, they drove to the emergency room in the hospital. Once they stated the reason for their visit at the reception, Thor became aware of the extremely suspicious glance he got from the nurse in attendance and her colleague within earshot. Of course, Sif had not said that her boyfriend had beaten her up; that omission along with the rather telling description of where she was hurt must be misleading.

Thor hoped that patient confidentiality also meant that they wouldn’t call the police. He was shamefully unaware of the protocols in place around domestic violence. Then he felt bad; maybe it would be better if they called the police in such a situation? They sat in uneasy silence as they waited for someone to come and take care of Sif. 

Finally a doctor came to take her away. They had to wait again after that and then Sif took him to see the doctor with him. It was a bit tense until Sif told the doctor that Thor was just a friend, not the boyfriend who beat her. Thor thought they were finished when the doctor suddenly said:

“As for the child ….”

Thor looked at Sif in shock, but she was focused on the doctor, while she gripped Thor’s hand tightly.

“I advise you to go and see your gynaecologist as soon as possible, but from what we could see now it appears to be fine. However you need to be careful.”

“I will”, Sif promised, her second hand held protectively over her stomach. 

“Pregnant?” Thor asked as soon as they were out of the room and on their way to the reception.

“Yes. I am nearly four month in. I think that was what triggered Njoerd today.”

“He didn’t want the child?” 

“It was an accident … but I think he was happy at first. Just then … he became scared about all the changes that are going to happen and becoming a dad and all the responsibility ….”

She stopped as they had reached the reception and she needed to wait for her prescription.

“We really need to talk about this at home”, Thor said as they made it back to the car. 

 

They did. From what Thor understood, Njoerd had slowly been isolating Sif (not that she admitted it as such) and became progressively more aggressive. He was only aggressive, Sif claimed, when he had too much to drink or had taken drugs. He had a long-standing substance abuse problem, triggered by a difficult childhood. Otherwise he was a sweet man. They shared an apartment in Bilskinir near Thrudheim. Thor had had no idea that Sif had moved. 

Three month ago she had found out that she was pregnant and things had gone downhill until, this very evening, he had come home early in the evening after having disappeared for two days (apparently, he was in the habit of disappearing for a few nights in a row). Sif had said something to upset him; at this point Sif started crying and became incoherent, so Thor just hugged her and didn’t press for further information. 

When she had calmed down, he brought her a glass of water and the painkillers they had purchased in the emergency pharmacy. Then he took his bedding from the bed and took in the couch and put on fresh sheets and a fresh duvet for Sif on his bed. She protested weakly that she would sleep on the couch, but by that point she was nearly falling asleep and he gently helped her into bed.

 

The next day Sif went to work as usual but called Thor around midday because she had seen Njoerd near the school where she worked. Or at least she imagined it. She didn’t think he would come in, but asked Thor to pick her up anyway. So far, Njoerd had not tried to contact her nor had she called. Thor picked her up in his car right after her last lesson and took her to his practice session. 

The week continued like that. Sif saw her gynaecologist and the baby was indeed fine. It turned out, when Thor asked if she couldn’t take a few days off from work, that she would only work until the end of the week, because she had been the substitute for a teacher on maternity leave who would return after the weekend. 

She hadn’t looked for a job after that, because she had been too caught up in the troubles of her relationship. So Thor also helped her to sort out her benefits. Of course, she was so late that they had to endure quite a lecture via the phone and she would be one month without salary or benefits. 

 

All in all, it was an exhausting week. He had told Sif about Loki. She had been delighted; she was the first person who didn’t tell him that he didn’t deserve the second chance with Loki (his own mother had said that. More or less). 

However, he didn’t tell Loki about Sif’s stay. Loki and Sif had never really gotten along; Loki had always suspected that Sif was in love with Thor and had been intensively jealous. Underneath all his genuine confidence in his skills and his arrogant demeanour, Thor had realised too late that Loki had always felt insecure about his own worth. 

Now that things were so fragile between them, he didn’t want to start a fight. Especially because Sif didn’t really want anyone to know what was going on in her life. Thor wanted to respect her privacy.

And also, as he even admitted to Sif, he just felt too overwhelmed with everything and wanted to keep things nice and uncomplicated between Loki and himself. So Sif always remained in the kitchen when Thor skyped with Loki.

 

Loki, on the other hand, had so far not revealed to Sigyn that he was, indeed, with Thor again. He wasn’t quite sure why. Usually, she was the one person he shared everything with. He had told Bill, Fenrir, and Narvi and Angrboda that he made up with his ex-boyfriend, heck, he even mentioned his “boyfriend” to some instructor while they made small talk. 

Bill had reacted rather unfavourably when Loki told him the news, so was he just afraid to tell Sigyn? It felt a bit like a betrayal of Sigyn, who was the one who had stayed with him and supported him through his darkest days (apart from Frigga, of course, but Frigga was special), when he had been, frankly, verbally quite abusive. 

She was the one who had the patience to believe in him, never once wavering. And not even Frigga had accepted Loki just as Loki as easily after the accident. Was he really about to make Thor, the one who abandoned him, the most important person in his life, or at least as important as Sigyn and Frigga? And Bill? 

 

When they skyped in late November, Sigyn happily started talking about her newest crush, a guy called Baldr. He felt that his was a good moment to make his announcement. 

Sigyn immediately caught the change in his expression and asked what happened.

“I need to tell you …. something about me and Thor.”

“Please say it isn’t what I think it is?”

“I guess it is … he was here a couple of weeks ago, I told you that, right? There was a football match between Thrudheim University and Walis University. And, well, we talked and we kissed and ….”

“Oh Loki.” Sigyn buried her face in her hands. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am. I know he wasn’t there when you were, but … I just want to give him another chance.”

“I never thought you of all people would be so naïve.” 

She sighed. Loki knew that look. She was smug and sad at the same time.

“What is it, Sigyn?”

“I …. Oh dear, Loki. You really shouldn’t trust Thor. He ….” She broke off.

“Yes?” 

“Well, you know I try to avoid him, but because he is friends with Tony and I am friends with Pepper I kind of hear a lot about him anyway. And, well, you remember Sif?”

“Of course.” 

Who wouldn’t remember Sif? Thor’s attractive, cute friend. Fierce, athletic with a willpower that easily matched Thor’s. Contrary to Thor she had to fight her way through life, but she hadn’t become bitter like Loki, she had just become more determined. Thor had always admired her.

“Well …. She’s attended every practice session of Thor’s teams for the last two weeks, and she came with him when he visited Tony …. There were jokes of who inseparable they had become. Oh Loki, I am so sorry.”

He realised that he must look as sick now as he felt. He felt as if someone had poured a bucket of cold ice over his head. it two weeks ago that he got a text that Sif was there and that they had to go to the doctor? And since then, the calls had been less frequent and less long. 

Thor had managed 2 weeks of a long-distance relationship with his tetraplegic ex-boyfriend before he started to cheat? Or did he cheat on Sif with Loki?

“Thank you Sigyn. I call him right now.”

She smiled a little bit. “Now that is the proactive Loki I know.”

He stuck his tongue out, because despite feeling hurt he still appreciated Sigyn’s silliness.

 

Of course, the first time he tried to call Thor, there was no reply. Just as he was about to help Frigga with dinner, his phone rang. Once he saw the caller ID, he wheeled himself back into his room. 

Moments later Thor’s guileless face appeared on his screen, smiling broadly.

“Loki? How are you?”

“I talked to Sigyn.”

“That’s …. nice?” Thor clearly picked up something. “Is something wrong my love?”

“She told me about Sif.” Oh yes, he could still put frost in his voice.

Thor seemed to curse under his breath. “What did Sigyn say?”

“Only that you and her have been inseparable those last two weeks. While you suddenly had a lot less time to call me and only a flimsy excuse why you won’t come on the weekend? And never mentioned Sif again after you claimed to take her to the “doctor”?”

Thor grimaced. “Loki, look, I know it must look bad, but ….”

“No buts Thor. Is it true then? Did you spend all this time with Sif?” Loki pressed his lips together in an effort to keep his composure.

“Well, yes. Um, as a matter of fact …. She’s staying with me in the moment.”

“Staying with you … as in living with you?” There was no way to keep the hysteria out of his voice.

“She has nowhere else to go and she is pregnant, she ….”

Loki interrupted him. “Forget about it, Thor, I don’t want to hear it. Just don’t bother coming here unless you want to spend time with your parents. I don’t need you here.” 

His voice broke, which sort of belied his words, and he angrily cut the call off. Stupid Thor. And stupid Loki. How had he not foreseen that? 

Thor tried to ring two more times, but Loki just sat there, rubbing his eyes rather fiercely. He would not cry. He had cried so much over Thor, he wouldn’t start again. Unfortunately, his eyes didn’t listen, there were some teardrops that stubbornly escaped. But he managed to compose himself somewhat, when someone knocked at the door. 

He called Frigga in (the soft knock could only be Frigga’s) and she appeared to be very much worried.

“I just had a call from Thor. He says he’ll be here in two hours. Did you two have a fight?”

“Obviously.” Loki frowned. “He needn’t bother coming.”

“So it will all right then?” She was so hopeful, it was nearly pathetic. Loki shook his head.

“Let’s not talk about it. I hope he won’t actually come. It’s already nearly eight, by the time he comes it will be after ten! He can’t seriously expect me to talk with him then.”

“Well ….” Frigga hesitated. “But you don’t have classes tomorrow morning and I assume that he won’t go back until tomorrow. So …. I mean, he does come all this way to talk to you. Maybe you should, you know, give him the chance?”

“Maybe.” Loki was admittedly a bit stunned. Coming all the way to Walis seemed a bit much. Truth to be told, the more he thought about it the less he understood what was going on. Thor had pursued him for two months only to then turn to Sif two weeks after Loki caved in? Had it been some kind of challenge? Thor wasn’t really the type to hurt people for fun. 

But … maybe he never really considered the reality of being with someone in a wheelchair? And it hit home and Sif was there? But what about the whole “she is pregnant” thing? If she was pregnant by Thor, would they really know about that after two weeks? He never really bothered to find out much about reproduction. Frigga gently prodded him into helping a bit and then also gently forced him (emotionally blackmailed him) to eat some dinner. 

The time until they might expect Thor trickled like molasses. Loki tried to read but didn’t succeed, while Frigga’s attempt to sketch new weaving patterns was unsuccessful. Odin, the only one who seemed unaffected, was in his office scanning old newspaper articles; he was in the progress of digitalizing his old collection.

 

Finally, at five past ten, they heard a car stopping in the driveway. Frigga went to open the door to welcome her son. Loki felt his anger surge, when he heard her surprised greeting of Sif. Sif! Why did Thor bring that woman with him? Angrily (and a bit immaturely, but right now, he didn’t care) he wheeled himself out of the living room and into his room. While in the hallway he knew that Thor could see him, but he refused to look that way and closed the door to his room as noisily as he could. 

He heard Thor call his name, but what that idiot wanted to accomplish with that was beyond him. He heard hushed voices and then a hesitant knock on his door. That couldn’t be Thor. Even if Thor felt guilty or hesitant, he wouldn’t be able to knock that softly. It had only been a couple of minutes, but he felt a bit more composed and called “enter.” Not much to his surprise, it was Sif who came in and carefully closed the door. 

She then leant against it, obviously nervous as she looked to Loki. He thought he saw some discomfort when she took in the chair, but then she was so obviously ill at ease, it might have been just general nervousness on her facce. After only a moment, she cleared her throat.

“Thor wanted to barge in and explain everything to you, but I would prefer to tell my part of the story myself, if that is all right with you?”

“I assume it has to be.”

She smiled tightly. “Well. I can’t tell you why Thor never told you that I was staying with him, it seems rather stupid to me, although if I understand him correctly, it was to protect me. Or rather, my dignity.” She twiddled with her fingers, not quite looking at Loki. She certainly had his interest now.

“That is not quite easy to admit …. But, well. You probably don’t know, but earlier this year I met this man. Njoerd. And, anyway, we fell in love. I sort of lost contact with my friends. I have no idea how that happened, I mean ….” 

She shook herself. “So, we moved in together. Njoerd has a substance abuse problem. And when he is drunk or high or both, he gets aggressive. When I found out I was pregnant, it just got worse. And, two weeks ago, he came home and I said something stupid and he attacked and I …” 

She swallowed hard, but with that spirit that everyone had always admired, she continued, “I thought he might actually kill me. I managed to grab my hand bag and run out of the house and basically jumped into the next bus. I decided to go to Thrudheim, to Thor. I thought even if Njoerd figured out I had gone there, he would be too scared of Thor to follow me. Thor drove me to the hospital; that was when he sent you that message. Thor has given me his bed and he sleeps on the couch. You know as well as everyone else that I used to have the biggest crush on him, but we have never been anything but friends. Even if I would have wanted to do more, which I truly didn’t, everything is messed up enough as it is, Thor really loves you and he would never cheat on you.”

Loki just stared at her for a moment in disbelief. There was no way a woman like Sif would tell such a story if it wouldn’t be true. He finally remembered what his therapist would advise him to say in this situation.

“Thank you for telling me.”

She smiled with a little bit more sincerity. “I didn’t feel like I had much choice. Now … I go and convince Thor and Frigga that I can sleep on the couch and Thor can have the bed in his room. What should I tell Thor? Can he come and speak to you?”

“Do I have much choice?”

“Actually, you do. Frigga wouldn’t let him come in without permission. So?”

“Tell him to come.”

 

And only a moment later, Thor stood in front of Loki. He looked rather ridiculous, a big hunk of a man trying to be small and obviously feeling quite small too. It was as if the body didn’t quite fit.

“Did …. Did Sif tell you?”

“She did.” Loki scowled nevertheless. “It seems as if you are quite the hero in this story and I am the irrational fool.”

“No …. I wouldn’t ….”

Loki interrupted him harshly. “Of course you are the one who made me the fool by not telling me anything. The moment that you met Sigyn at Tony’s you must have realised that I would hear about this closeness between you and Sif.”

“Yes.” Thor hung his head. “You are right when you accuse me of being thick. I didn’t think it through. I ….”

“Did you tell anyone?”

Thor bit his lip. “I told Sif.”

“And?”

“No one else”, Thor admitted. “So I guess everyone thinks I am getting together with Sif?”

“And why didn’t you tell anyone? Are you that ashamed of being the glorious sport instructor and brilliant amateur rugby player with a disabled boyfriend who can’t do anything?” Loki hit the wheels of his chairs with his hands in frustration, as he felt tears spring into his eyes. “You haven’t told anyone about us, but you let Sif move in with you without even telling me. Why did you even ….”

“No Loki.” Thor interrupted him, shaking his head vehemently. “No, please. I know you’ve got every reason to think the worst of me, but please Loki. I’d never cheat on you. And I’m not ashamed you. I would have been two years ago ….” He seemed to realise that this was exactly the wrong thing to say, and he made as if to grab Loki’s hand, but then he just knelt down in front of him, clutching his hands over his own knees. “I’m not,” he whispered. “I swear.”

“So why …” Loki was aware that the conversation had derailed somewhat, but he felt he needed to know.

“I was so scared. Not …. Not of what others would think. Just … everything between us was so fragile, and I didn’t want to jinx it and I didn’t want to break it and … and now I managed to do exactly that. I am an idiot Loki, I’m so sorry.”

“How exactly did you think you would make things better by lying and omitting?” Loki’s own pain was temporarily set aside for genuine curiosity. Lying and omitting was usually his thing not Thor’s.

“Well ….” Thor also composed himself a bit more, although he was still on his knees, an oddly submissive position for Thor Borsen. “I was selfish as usual? I mean, not in the not telling. I can’t even quite explain that. Partly, I wasn’t even sure if you would be okay with that, you wanted to go slow after all.”

“You could have asked.”

“Yes, I assume so. And then it was nearly like superstition. Like it was too good to be true and if I said it out loud, it would disappear? Also, and there it is me being selfish again, I guess, basically everyone who knows exactly what happened in the hospital, considers my actions to be abhorrent.” He held up his hands, even though Loki hadn’t said anything. “And they’re right. Of course. But they would then just tell me how I didn’t deserve a second chance. So I was protecting my own happiness. Does that make some sense?”

“Your brain is more complex than I thought, although you are still an idiot.” Loki smiled a little. It was all somehow very typical Thor. And very stupid.

“Yeah, I know. Anyway, about Sif. You heard what she said. Did she tell you that she still hasn’t gone to the police?” When Loki shook his head, he continued. “She never wanted anyone to know, apart from me and Ravdna, her friend. I didn’t know how to explain her presence any other way, so I just decided not to tell you. Especially because you’ve always been so jealous of her.”

Loki glared at Thor. “Tell me I never had a reason to.”

“You never had a reason to. Seriously. She’s not the only attractive friend I have, but they never outshone you.”

“So I’m the idiot who should have let you explain yourself on the phone?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Loki was silent. He started to feel guilty, which was never a pleasant feeling. Of course he should have let Thor explain on the phone. And there was still the black pit inside him, from whence a voice told him sternly, that all this couldn’t be true.

“We should get to bed, it is late,” he finally said. Thor looked at him with his patented wounded puppy look.

“Yes, but … are we still doing this? Did you break up with me?”

“No.” Loki sighed and finally reached out and Thor gingerly took his hand. He smiled a bit hesitantly at Loki.

“Good. Can I kiss you now?”

Loki laughed and nodded. Thor got up swiftly and then leant down again to capture Loki’s lips in a firm but very chaste kiss. When he pulled back again, his smile was a bit broader. “The good thing about all of this is that I got to kiss you again earlier than I anticipated.”

“That’s true.” Loki made a shooing motion. “We really should get ready to go to bed, you need to sort out where you sleep.”

“Oh yes.” Thor straightened. “Sif wants to take the couch. I really need to go and stop that nonsense.”

“Why?”

Thor looked at him as if for once Loki was the brainless fool. “I can’t let her sleep on the couch of course. She’s our guest. And pregnant. And a woman!”

“She’s also a very strong woman who is just escaping an abusive relationship,” Loki pointed out. “How does it help her, if you tell her what to do?”

Thor just looked at him and Loki sighed. “I had a similar discussion with Sigyn once, never mind the circumstances. But it’s true. Sif is a grown woman. If she wants to sleep on the couch, let her sleep on the couch. You sleep on the couch at home all the time now, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Which, if you haven’t bought a new couch ….” Thor shook his head, “…. must be very uncomfortable for someone with your bulk. The one here would be a bit better, but don’t you think Sif realises that someone as slim as her would probably have a more comfortable time on a couch?”

“You do like to make me feel like an idiot, don’t you?” Thor was entering one of his sulks, which was rather typical for him when he was either drunk or very exhausted. Loki was too tired himself to deal with it right now.

“Or you could sleep here in my bed and none of you takes the couch?”

Thor’s pout transformed into confusion. “What?”

“My bed is big enough”, Loki pointed out.

“What happened to taking it slow?”

Loki scowled, as he usually did when Thor made a good point. “We’re not going to do anything but sleep in the bed, so don’t get excited.”

“Okay …. Is that even okay? I mean, somebody sleeping in the same bed as you …. I’m being an idiot again, aren’t I?

“You are.” Loki sighed. “You’re not a very restless sleeper, as far as I remember, so I doubt that you’d push me around while I sleep. It might not be so restful for you, because I need to wake up every two hours or so to turn over, and sometimes your mother still comes in to check on me, although I could tell her not to do that tonight.”

“Okay ….” Thor followed Loki as he wheeled out of the room again in search of Frigga and Sif. They found the two women sharing some tea in the kitchen. Sif was talking about a fencing competition which she had won, looking quite animated considering the time of night. They told them about the new idea for the sleeping arrangement and Frigga decided that everything was all right with her, as long as they could finally all get to bed and sleep.


	12. New Doubts

Despite his earlier nonchalance, Loki felt very insecure once he was in the bed with Thor. He couldn’t decide if he should settle for facing away from Thor, which made him feel more vulnerable, or facing Thor which brought its own set of problems. He settled for facing Thor. His head swirled with doubts. With his catheter connected to the bedside bag and his flannel pyjamas which seemed to emphasize the way he lost bulk in his legs, he felt unsexy. How could Thor be with him here in the bed when there was Sif, lithe, graceful, too cute to be true, fierce Sif sleeping just above them? How could Loki ever win that competition?

Why had he said “We’re not going to do anything but sleep?” That train of thought immediately led to things that were not sleeping. Did Thor know what to expect in that department? Loki had refused the idea of sex after his accident, he barely had any idea himself. Did Thor think about what would happen, even if they got there slowly? Did he realize what wouldn’t happen? He remembered their earlier encounters – how Thor would hold him up against a wall, how Thor would just nearly lift him off the bed to pound into him, how Loki would wrap his legs around Thor …. He fought against his tears.

Thor, who was dressed in nothing but an old T-shirt which proclaimed his love for a soft drink he abhorred, and boxer shorts, looked a bit worried as he gently stroked Loki’s face with the pads of his thumbs. 

“What’s wrong, my love?”

“Nothing.” He forced his face to relax again and smile. “Try to sleep, you must be exhausted.”

“I am.” Thor’s voice was drowsy now that he could finally relax in a bed.

“When do you have to drive back tomorrow?”

“Just after lunch. I only have to be at work tomorrow at 4. You don’t have classes in the morning, do you?”

“No. And now sleep before I smother you with a pillow.”

Thor chuckled and flicked Loki’s nose affectionately, but at least he shut up and closed his eyes. Loki stifled a sigh. The feeling of Thor’s body so near his made his heart beat more rapidly.

 

The next morning Loki woke up feeling a bit disoriented. He looked at the clock next to the bed. It was 8:45. Normally Frigga woke him up no later than 8. Then he remembered that Thor was lying right behind him and that Frigga had said, Thor should come and get her when Loki wanted to get up, as they might want to sleep a little longer after the emotional turmoil yesterday. Loki never thought the day would come when he considered 8:45 late.

“Are you awake?” Thor still sounded a bit drowsy.

“Yes.” Loki began to turn around, feeling a bit self-conscious, but Thor just smiled at him, looking both happy and very tired. It was really rather cute. 

When Loki was fully turned, he reached out and weaved his hand in Loki’s hair, massaging his scalp ever so lightly. “Should I get my mother?”

“In a moment.” Loki closed his eyes. He felt as if he should purr. He had always loved it when Thor caressed his head, but now his scalp seemed extra-sensitive and the touch sent tingles through his veins. 

Thor chuckled deeply. “You still like your head massages?”

“Hmm.” 

“I’ll give you a proper one, once we’re up and the angle is less awkward.”

“I like that promise.” Loki carefully reached out to touch Thor’s shoulder. Thor edged closer, until he was close enough for Loki to put one arm around his broad torso and for them to share a proper good morning kiss. Thor beamed when they pulled apart again.

“I should come for the night more often. You’re still gorgeous early in the morning.”

“Go and get your mother, you oaf.” 

Thor laughed. “All right, all right.” 

He slowly peeled himself off the bed, but before he left the room, he bent down to give Loki’s cheek another kiss. Loki forced a smile, starting to feel uneasy. They hadn't really talked about more - intimate issues. And he didn’t want to.

 

Frigga looked happy when she came in, probably a direct reflection of her son’s happiness. Loki did his best not to spoil it. He couldn’t discuss his problem with Frigga anyway. She had to take care of a number of very intimate issues for him, but Loki drew the line at his potentially actually developing sex-life of him with her son. He remembered that he had an appointment with his therapist later in the afternoon. Perfect timing. 

When they came to the kitchen, Thor and Sif were already sharing breakfast, and it looked so domestic, it nearly made Loki sick. Thor looked at him and smiled broadly, his blue eyes soft with affection, and it was semi-okay again. 

 

Loki didn’t have any classes in the morning, but he had arranged to meet Fenrir and Angrboda for lunch. Originally, it was supposed to be Angrboda and him to talk about drama-group related business. But Fenrir had decided to join them to support Loki. Somehow Loki got the feeling that it had nothing to do with his disability but everything with Fenrir’s misplaced hero-worship and accepted it. Thor had asked if he could come along too and Loki had also accepted that. 

He did feel guilty for making Thor come to Walis, but he couldn’t quite admit that. Instead he just remarked, that Angrboda and Fenrir knew about Thor anyway and he took some pleasure in the look of guilt that crossed Thor’s face. Frigga decided that she would take the opportunity to take Sif out for lunch, but promised Thor that they would all be back in time for him to leave for Thrudheim.

 

Friday was the slowest day of the cafeteria; many students preferred not to take classes on Friday. Loki and Thor arrived a bit late, but they could easily find their way through the smallish crowd and locate the table were Angrboda and Fenrir were already sitting. Both looked a bit surprised when they saw Thor next to Loki, but identified him immediately. Thor just introduced himself and then went to fetch food for himself and Loki. Angrboda looked after him in admiration.

“Wow. He’s built exactly like a god. You’re bloody lucky.”

“Yes.” Loki didn’t even bother to smile.

“I think Thor’s lucky to get Loki”, Fenrir said hotly, and that made Loki grin in delight. 

From brooding he went to elation because for once Thor was not the golden god, somebody placed Loki higher. It was even funnier because despite Angrboda’s predictable teasing, he knew that Fenrir was not, in fact, romantically interested in him at all. He was just a jealous puppy. 

Thor came back soon enough with food. The school where they wanted to stage the play had just written them an email with new regulations regarding the use of the stage which basically banned all props. They both were in complete agreement that they wouldn’t accept that. They had already developed a lay-out for the stage, they had started working on their stage set (or at least the more creative part of the theatre group did). He truly didn’t need Fenrir’s “support” because for once he and Angrboda didn’t clash. 

If Thor was bored, he didn’t show it, he was just sitting next to Loki, occasionally touching his hand, and pressing a gentle kiss to his head when he got up to take the trays away. He acted just like anyone who was in a new relationship would. Nevertheless, once they were back in the car, the darker thoughts came back when he glanced at Thor next to him. From the side, Thor’s broad chest and bulky arms were really prominent, as was his strong profile. Built like a god indeed.

 

When they made it home, Sif surprised Thor by telling him that she would not return with him. Frigga had invited her to stay for a few weeks and Sif had decided to take her offer. Here, in Walis, there would be no risk of running into Njoerd or one of his friends. Thor agreed and promised to bring her stuff the next day. 

Now he didn’t need a flimsy excuse anymore not to come for the weekend. It still hurt, that he felt he needed to make one up, even though he and Loki hugged for a considerable amount of time before Thor left. Loki was the one who pulled Thor closer again for a kiss. He felt so needy, it was embarrassing.

 

It had been a long time since he had been this desperate to make it to his appointment with his therapist – it was hard to imagine that initially he had resisted the idea of needing therapy at all. It had taken Sigyn’s direct reproaches and Frigga’s gentle prodding to get him to do it. 

Sigyn had told him straight out that his usual moodiness and sarcasm had evolved into verbal abuse and that she believed it came from depression; his initial responses to her suggestion just confirmed that in hindsight. Frigga had just gently told him that he might feel better if he had a professional to talk about his feelings. 

He had caught himself lashing out at Frigga at one point and remembered Sigyn’s words. His fear of eventually losing both Sigyn and Frigga had driven him into therapy. But he came to genuinely appreciate his therapist, Dr. Heimdall.

 

Predictably it took him some time to get to the subject that troubled him but as always, Dr. Heimdall managed to worm his concerns out of him. The man’s ability to see into Loki’s depths was uncanny but helpful. 

Once he managed to spell out that the problem was his insecurity regarding the physical aspect of his relationship with his very physical boyfriend now that he was a tetraplegic, he felt surprisingly little shame in detailing his sex life prior to his accident. 

Heimdall just nodded, apparently also feeling little shame or perhaps used to far worse things than the recounting of a pretty happy sex life. Happy until Loki got to the point he was at now. Namely his inability to do any of his former activities. 

The question his therapist asked him was so obvious, Loki blushed. No, he had not actually talked to anyone in the clinic about this or with his physiotherapist. Not surprisingly, Heimdall encouraged him to do so.

“And have you talked to Thor about your concerns?”

“No …..” Loki drew the word out as long as possible. He knew what was bound to follow. 

“You know that you should. What are you afraid of?”

“I …. I ….” Damn that man for making him stutter. “I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

Loki grit his teeth. “Fine. I fear that once he realises how my injury will affect our relationship he might leave me. Again.”

“And that’s what you were afraid of from the start of this, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Loki looked down.

“So what do you have to gain by keeping him at bay for as long as possible?”

“Enjoy Thor’s attention and love for as long as possible.”

“But are you really enjoying it or are you always on your guard in case it might get too physical or in case you slip up and say something wrong?”

Really, damn that man. “The longer this drags on, the more cautious I am,” he admitted. Heimdall smiled.

“I believe you know what you should do.”

“Talk to him this weekend.” Loki sighed, feeling thoroughly miserable.

"I believe that would be wise. This issue is preventing you from moving forward in your relationship."

"Yes."

"But you are scared of moving forward."

"Yes. I guess .... I guess I would like to keep it as it is now. He is so attentive and I enjoy getting his kisses and hugs. I am scared of taking it further; he knows so little about life with tetraplegia, he still only has a very vague idea of how it affects my life. I am scared that he will run again."

"An understandable fear, but also an obstacle.

"Yes."

The hour was nearly up so they agreed to talk more about his relationship with Thor at the next appointment. Loki wished he could also talk to Sigyn about it. He belatedly remembered that he should call her and tell her about what happened. 

Although .... he couldn't really bring up Sif. He would need to talk to Sif about what he could tell Sigyn. His life seemed to consist of a lot of discussions about boundaries and feelings these days. Sigyn needed to know, however, that while Thor was an idiot, he was faithful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry the chapter was so short.  
> I wrote the next bit from Thor's POV, because Loki is always so negative, I felt the topic needed a POV that is a bit more optimistic, but with the POV change it would have been awkward to put the next bit in this chapter.  
> Please let me know what you think.


	13. Uncomfortable Discussions with added fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Loki discuss intimate issues to bring their relationship a bit further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mainly Thor's POV apart from the last paragraph - I love Loki so much, I just have to let him have the last word :)

Thor got up at quarter to six on Saturday. He seriously considered resetting his alarm to get some more sleep. It was the first time he had slept in his bed again since Sif had moved in. But after he had shared a bed with Loki the night before, he missed him even more. Why had he never even replaced the bloody bed they bought when the first moved in here? It felt almost wrong now to wake up without Loki beside him. 

He didn’t really look forward to carrying all of Sif’s stuff, a plethora of bags and boxes, out to his car again considering he had just been the one to bring them from the flat she had shared with Njoerd, but the things you did for friends. And the things his mother did for his friends. He knew on some level that his mother didn’t help Loki and now Sif because she felt she had to take care of Thor’s problems for him but because she was just a sincerely warm person who had always liked to help where she could (Thor remembered that some of her attempts to help people ended in near disasters). He felt a bit bad about it nevertheless.

On the plus side, he got the weekend with Loki. Maybe they could get a bit closer again, Loki had felt so distanced even though he said he forgave Thor for his stupidity that it hurt a bit. 

 

By seven thirty Thor had managed to get everything into the car and some breakfast into himself. Now that it was winter, the motorway was a lot less busy on Saturday morning. Less people felt the pull of the sea now. Thor, who grew up at the seaside (they used to live closer to the sea when he was a child) loved the rough and wild aspect of the sea in winter and went to run along the beach as often as he could. 

This weekend, however, he would focus on spending as much time as possible with Loki while also helping Sif and his parents to stow away all her possessions, so maybe he wouldn’t find time. When he was younger (not that he was old and wise with his 26 years) that would have bothered him and he would have resented Loki and Sif. Now he recognized that it was his own decision. He would still get his exercise in, but probably in the park near his parents’ home rather than half an hour away at the beach. 

He felt happier than in a long time when he finally pulled into his parent’s driveway at precisely nine thirty. When the door opened before he had the chance to ring, it was Sif rather than Loki, but he didn’t let that dampen the mood. He quickly hugged her and then walked past her into the house. She chuckled a bit when he first gave his mother a peck on the cheek and ruffled her hair, before he went to properly kiss Loki, who was sitting on the couch. He normally would pay his mother more attention, but he basically just got Loki back and he needed some more time before the novelty wore off and he could greet other people properly again. 

He let himself fall next to Loki on the couch once he had thoroughly kissed him, his arm slung around Loki. His mood only dampened when he noticed that Loki was not nearly as enthusiastic as he was. True, Loki had always been more reserved when it came to displays of affection but not to this extent.

Odin showed up a moment later, so Thor got up again to greet his father. Odin asked him why he was sitting around instead of getting Sif’s stuff inside. Trust Odin not to let anyone, especially his son, rest for a moment. He gave Loki a short and chaste kiss before he got up again. 

 

That occupied him until it was time to eat lunch. At least, after lunch, Frigga and Odin took Sif shopping; it appeared to have been tacitly decided that Sif might stay for a bit more than a couple of weeks as Odin talked about “getting a proper desk for Thor’s room” and Frigga muttered something about “that room needs proper curtains.” Or maybe his parents took the chance to make changes to Thor’s room, something he had always fought against. He liked the room as it was but he wasn’t there that often anyway. 

So he didn’t complain now; his parents basically gave him private time with Loki for the whole afternoon. If they wanted to replace the curtains and the desk, he was not stopping them. 

 

As soon as they were out of the house, he took one of Loki’s hands. It was somehow still weird to think that Loki couldn’t move his fingers. They were still in the kitchen, Thor had just cleaned up and Loki was in his chair, having put away what he could.

“Is there something wrong, Loki?”

The tone of Loki’s “Why do you ask?” gave him away. Something seriously troubled Loki and Thor was starting to feel uneasy too.

“You are very distant. I … it kind of feels like you just endure it when I kiss you or hug you and you never let your guard down when we talk. It troubles me.”

“I am sorry.”

“I understand that you still don’t trust me but ….”

“It’s not that. Or not entirely. Or part of it. I just …. It is more complicated than that.”

“Can you try to explain?”

Loki laughed, even though he sounded nervous. “It’s not that complicated, just …. scary I guess.”

Thor was impressed that Loki confessed that. He leant in and kissed his temple, but apparently that was the wrong move. Loki recoiled a little bit and gazed intently at the floor.

It nearly felt like a physical blow and Thor leant back, even while Loki tried to explain.

“It’s … it’s about intimacy, actually. We said we would go slow, but …. That implies that something more will come. I mean physically, not only emotionally and all that. But …. do you have any idea what to expect? I mean …” 

Loki bit his lip. It was rare for Loki, but he was clearly too upset to continue. Thor knew he took too long to answer, but he really didn’t know what to say. 

Then he gently shook his head.

“No, not really. I mean, I have enough imagination to know what won’t be possible …” Loki flinched and Thor faltered a bit, “… well ….. obviously … what we did before, that … that is out of the question. I …. I kind of knew that before I asked you to get back together with me.”

“Did you really know? And accept?”

“I admit that I sort of pushed that to the back of my head. Well, I … I love sex, you know that. When I met you again and I started to admit to myself that I was still in love with you, that your accident had actually had some positive impact on you …. Well, I mean you get less angry and … I’m getting a bit off track, don’t I?”

“Yes.” Loki scowled and Thor cursed himself. What a moment to bring up Loki’s character defects. As if Loki wasn’t insecure enough at this moment. 

“I’m sorry Loki. I don’t even know what I am saying. Other than admitting that no, I have no clue what to actually expect.”

“Didn’t you do any research?”

Thor felt himself blushing brightly. “Um …. I tried. But … um … well first I googled gay and tetraplegia and it seemed to spit out a lot of pornsites, so I just closed it very quickly, I just … I felt like some creep with a fetish for disabled people, and I … that just seemed so wrong and …. Maybe I should have looked into the results in more detail, not at the porn evidently but …. I’m babbling again. And then, a few days later, I just googled tetraplegic sex and it had a lot on heterosexual relationships, but I started reading something on tetraplegic men and sex but it just seemed …. Well it seemed so intimate and like I invaded your privacy, because I speculated about stuff you wouldn’t want me to, and gods, I’m an idiot.”

“If you’re an idiot, I’m an even greater one,” Loki admitted. “I’m the one who had a spinal cord injury and I just refused to deal with the idea of sexuality.”

Thor started to consider nominating Loki’s therapist for the Nobel Prize for psychology if that existed. Or maybe his mother and the therapist. 

“So you also don’t know what to do?” 

Thor didn’t know if he should feel relieved or worried. Relieved that he was not the only clueless idiot here but worried that none of them actually had any idea what they were doing. Then it occurred to him that it meant that Loki really thought of taking it further and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread over his face. Loki looked at him oddly.

“Why does that make you so happy?”

Thor couldn’t resist bending forward and placing a kiss on Loki’s nose. This time Loki didn’t recoil but continued to look at him questioningly.

“It just occurred to me that we have this conversation now because you actually thought of taking this further. And that makes me happy, even though we don’t know what to expect.”

Loki laughed softly. “I guess. You are so easy to please sometimes.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“If you want to.” Loki looked serious again, and nervously moved his hands on his lap. Then the expression in Loki’s face told Thor that he had come to a decision.

“I know a little bit. Shall I tell you?”

“Please.” Thor felt a bit apprehensive, but they needed to get through this.

“Well … I …. I ….” Loki nearly choked, then he schooled his face into a neutral expression. “Apparently there are two kinds of erections that a man can get. Psychogenic and reflex.”

“And it’s so like you to remember those terms.” Thor actually felt quite fond of Loki at that moment, but Loki just swatted at him.

“Be quiet, you oaf. Psychogenic means you get an erection because you are mentally stimulated. Thinking sexy thoughts, seeing something erotic that kind of thing. Reflex erections on the other hand are triggered by touch to erogenous zones. I know that I can only get reflex erections these days.”

“So …. something sexy won’t turn you on at all?”

“It turns me on, my body just refuses to react.” Loki hit his wheelchair again, but Thor doubted that it was a conscious movement. “The day your bloody sexy voice doesn’t distract me from all rational thought is the day my brain dies. But I only react to it above the chest.”

He was a bit baffled, but he understood Loki’s anguish. To think that his equipment might not be fully functional anymore, especially while he was young, was terrible. Thor would be crushed himself. 

He needed to be strong for Loki now, though. He showed all the signs of a hysterical break-down. Thor quickly took Loki’s hands.

“I’m sorry for asking a stupid question. I just know so little about spinal cord injuries. And how it affects the body. But ….. thinking it through logically now that we are here …. I just assume that you won’t have much feeling in your … um …. anus?” 

For someone who liked sex, he was really bad at talking about it.

“None.” Loki still refused to look at him, but he hadn’t tried to remove his hands from Thor’s so that should be a semi-good sign. 

“So that is out of the question too. But you could …. um …. you could enter me?”

Thor had never done that before. Apart from Loki he had only had one other male partner and he had always topped. For some reason that was never even discussed between Loki and Thor, Loki had just always been the bottom. Loki understandably looked very surprised. At least it shocked him out of an immediate break-down.

“You’d do that?”

“I’d try …..”

Loki smiled briefly, then the dark clouds were descending again. “I don’t actually know if that is possible. I will have to find out.”

“Or we can research it together. But maybe not now? I think you need a break.” 

Thor lifted one his hands softly and caressed Loki’s cheek. “Until then, let me assure you that I’m willing to explore this together with you. I won’t run away because you confess to me that I can’t pound you into the mattress anymore and that your excitement when you see me naked might not translate into an erection. By refusing to allow those things I nearly lost you and if there is something I learned since then it is that sex doesn’t compensate for the loss of you.”

“So … after we broke up ….”

“I had a lot of affairs. And one night stands,” Thor confessed, belatedly realising that they had never spoken about that particular time in his life.

“It’s fine. You had broken up, after all.” 

Thor knew it wasn’t fine; Loki had always been the jealous type, as he had demonstrated just two days previously. But there was nothing he could do about it now. And at least it was one more thing that distracted Loki right now. Anger at Thor was better than despair.

“As I said, nothing beats being with you. So we just have to make do with whatever we can do now.”

“Make do is the right expression.” Loki looked at the ceiling for a change. “I have to make do and accept so many bloody things. I can never walk again, so just make do with the wheelchair and accept that there are a bazillion places I can’t go to anymore. Make do with the fact that I can’t even take a shower by myself anymore or go to the toilet, so I just accept that I have no privacy anymore.”

Thor wished they were sitting on the couch, it would be so much easier to physically comfort Loki. There was clearly nothing he could say to make this any better; it was his own stupid phrasing that brought this on. 

He compromised by grabbing Loki’s shoulders and peppering little kisses across his face. Loki let him do it. Only when Loki had relaxed again, a little bit, Thor put his forehead on Loki’s.

“Can we go to bed? I mean, just to lay down and cuddle?”

“We just discussed that we don’t know how to do anything else.” 

Loki’s attempt at a joke fell a bit flat, but he wheeled himself towards the bedroom. 

 

Loki ended up being nearly sprawled across Thor, his head comfortably pillowed on Thor's large chest. He wasn't sure how good the position was for his body, but they wouldn't cuddle for hours so it shouldn't matter. This way he could hear Thor's steady heartbeat, which had always lulled him into a pleasant stupor, and bask in Thor's smell. It was as addicting as always. 

Thor seemed content for a while to gently massage Loki’s head, which was heaven. Then he felt Thor shift a bit and his hands faltered on Loki’s scalp. Even though he couldn’t feel it, he was sure that Thor had an erection which must be pressing against Loki’s thigh. He could tell from Thor’s slightly quicker heartbeat and the way he shifted his upper body. He obviously tried to make himself more comfortable. 

Loki wondered for a split-second if he should tell Thor that he knew what was going on, but decided against it. It would just open another awkward discussion about future possibilities of intimacy. For the moment, it was enough to know that Thor was indeed still turned on by him and that Thor was aware that it wouldn’t be easy, but that he was committed to make it work somehow. And that already seemed a better basis for their relationship than what they had more than two years ago.


	14. Pygmalion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of term and Loki has a play to put on as well as deal with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I revised all the earlier chapters and cut out some dead wood (stuff that I needed to write to understand the story better, but which, upon rereading, clogged the story) and also added a few more indications that Loki was actually falling for Thor again.

Yule was fast approaching now and with it the end of Loki’s first term back at university. He wasn’t particularly nervous about his scholarly work. He was nervous about the performance of their play. They would have four performances in the last two weeks of term. He still wasn’t happy with Angrboda’s accent, the actress who played Elizabeth was too flighty and still tried to be a second Audrey Hepburn and Fenrir as Freddy was still too fierce. Not to mention that Mr. Higgins very clearly came from Vanaheim not England, which was sort of weird for a character obsessed with the proper pronunciation of English.

 

All that would keep him occupied anyway. The fact that Yule was a family celebration, however, added its own set of troubles. Loki had happy memories of his mother during his time. After her death … well, those were mainly memories of trying to protect his meagre presents from Helblindi and trying to keep out of his father’s way as usual. 

Frigga’s happiness as she prepared for the occasion depressed him; it made him miss his mother and resent his family even more. As last year, he would send a card to Laufey and some chocolate to both him and Helblindi. That had to do. Last Yule had been miserable in the Borsen household as well; Thor had only shown up shortly after lunch on the 25th and then left early. 

 

And then there was Bill. In early December, the Wednesday after Thor had left, he had come to have dinner with the Borsen family. Frigga naturally asked him what he would do for Yule. She meant well and it was hard for her to grasp the complicated nature of the Ymirsen family relations and their feelings about it. Bill had immediately transformed into a giant dark cloud, announcing that he would certainly not go to Jotunheim, and Frigga invited him for dinner on the 25th. Loki wondered if Frigga was really blind to the animosity between Bill and Thor or if she didn’t care. He was happy anyway that he would see his little brother for Yule.

 

After they finished their final rehearsal on Wednesday, Angrboda asked him casually if Laufey Ymirsen was related to him. It turned out that his father, who had dabbled in local politics for years, was running for mayor of Jotunheim against Thrym Bergfinnsen, who ran for his second term. Loki wished his father a crushing defeat. He didn’t like Bergfinnsen, but Laufey as the mayor of the biggest city in the north could only be worse. 

The very same night he got a phone call from a number that wasn’t saved in his phone, a landline from Jotunheim. He ignored it the first time, but when the same caller rang again just seconds after that, he cautiously answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Loki is that you?” If Loki had actually been holding the phone he would have dropped it. It was his father. It took him a moment to collect himself.

“Yes.”

Laufey’s voice was business-like as usual “Good. I’m glad I caught you. Have you heard that I am now officially running for mayor?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Very good. I need you and Byleistr to return to Jotunheim for the holidays.”

Again, Loki took a moment to recollect himself. “How does that follow?”

“I will be hosting a brunch on the 26th of December, but I also expect some important visitors on the 24th and the 25th. It is simply necessary that we make a good impression as a family.”

He had always suspected that his father’s mental health was not the best, but this was ludicrous.

“You expect both of us to cancel our plans for the holidays to support your campaign?”

“Naturally. I am sure you are aware that it will be advantageous for you to be related to the mayor of one of the most important towns in Asgard.” Laufey’s voice was still cool. Loki managed to make his equally cold.

“Possibly. But as charming as your invitation is, I prefer to remain where I am.”

“Take your time to consider.”

“I don’t need to. Please give my regards to Helblindi. Good night.”

Loki ended the call and ignored the phone when it rang again. His arms were trembling in rage. He tried to force himself to calm down. Laufey was a self-centred, no, a narcissist bastard who was also clearly delusional. Nothing was new. Nothing. 

 

Byleistr was livid when he called that night. Loki was really waiting for a call via skype from Thor, he wanted to make sure that Thor would make it on the weekend to watch Saturday’s performance of Pygmalion. He would have to miss the premiere on Friday, because he had to lead a practice on Friday evening but he had promised that he would get out of the practice with his rugby team on Saturday to come to Walis.

Loki couldn’t deny his baby brother the chance to let off steam though. It was healthier than his own habit of letting things eat him up from the inside he supposed.

“I can’t believe it,” Bill repeated for the umpteenth time. “He really doesn’t care about us. He just cares about himself.”

“He has always been that way.” Loki felt weary by now. Bill was silent for a moment. Then his voice came very quietly.

“I thought he loved me.”

A small knot formed in Loki’s stomach.

“And he does love you as much as he is capable to. It’s just that that isn’t all that much.”

Byleistr didn’t say anything for a while and Loki was getting worried. “Bill? Are you still there?”

“Yes. Yes I am. I’m just angry at myself now.”

“Because you let our father get you down so much?”

“Yes. And because I still want him to love me. I’m not a child anymore.”

“You’re his child.”

“Unfortunately.” His baby brother’s voice was bitter. But there was really nothing Loki could say to make it better.

“What I meant is, of course you want him to love you but we can’t change him.”

“No. I suppose I should finally make dinner now.”

“I hope it’s something ready-made.”

Bill laughed a bit at that and claimed that his culinary skills had improved. Loki felt quite exhausted after they said their goodbyes and were finally done. 

 

It wasn’t as if those things didn’t bother him too. He just felt that he shouldn’t burden Bill with his own hurt. It had always been his job to protect Bill. And he didn’t hurt as much as Bill right now, because Laufey never even believed that he loved Loki. Bill was another matter, he had been Laufey’s favourite. 

The days when Loki couldn’t sleep at night because he didn’t understand why his father didn’t love him were long over. It didn’t mean it didn’t bother him. He looked over to the picture of his mother next to his bed. Did his father actually love her? Did she love him? He knew virtually nothing about Farbauti; Laufey claimed she didn’t have any family (he vaguely remembered grandparents, but as far as he knew, they were dead). If she had family or friends, they certainly didn’t care about what became of her children after her death.

 

Luckily Thor called shortly after Bill. Thor did his best to understand the problems in the Ymirsen family. As the only child of loving parents he had some trouble understanding their family dynamics; Odin’s love was buried deep underneath his crusty exterior and he had hardly ever said a kind word to Thor and had disapproved vocally when Thor decided to become a coach and trainer at his old university, which according to Odin was a job for people who couldn’t find anything better. The idea that his son hadn’t tried to find something better was foreign to him. 

But despite that, Thor could always rely on his father and it was easy to see that if Odin had to choose between his political career and Thor, he would pick Thor. Grumpily and he would remind Thor of that fact for the rest of his life, but he would. 

Laufey’s total disregard for his sons’ feelings and lives was something that Thor just couldn’t understand. When they were first together he had infuriated Loki by insisting that deep down Laufey certainly loved Loki, even if he couldn’t express it. Even after Thor had met Laufey the one time Loki was deluded enough to bring his boyfriend to Jotunheim, he had been convinced that Laufey must have a softer side. 

This time, he refrained from saying anything like that. He just mirrored Bill’s disbelief that Laufey would actually think that such a phone call would bring Loki and Bill back to Jotunheim for Yule. 

“I mean, you might be ambitious but not in politics. He should know that.”

“I guess even if I want to get into theatre, especially now that I am disabled, it would help to have a network”, Loki conceded. 

“My father is the mayor of Asgard’s biggest town, though.”

“Yes, there is that. Maybe he is actually totally unaware of who I live with.”

“That is not very promising in a mayoral candidate for one of the biggest cities in Asgard.”

“It isn’t.” Loki bit his lip. “And even if your father wasn’t the mayor … he should know that I have too much pride to come back and play the dutiful son.”

“The dutiful son in a wheelchair who will reel in votes from the disabled community”, Thor added. Loki looked at him with his mouth agape.

“Wow. I was so angry, I hadn’t even made it that far. His gay, disabled son. That’s two minorities he charms by flaunting me in addition to all of those who will admire him for it. When did you become better at this than me?”

“I take that as a compliment.”

“It was one. That bastard. He thinks he can throw me away just to get me back again once it suits his goals? What did he think I was going to tell everyone? How wonderfully supportive my father has been when I came out as gay and then again when I had my accident? How he never made a snide comment about ‘crazy phases’, ‘not being a whole man’ or ‘it is just natural’. How he treated you, my first serious boyfriend, with so much respect and just as he did Helblindi’s girlfriends? How he immediately raced down from Jotunheim to Thrudheim to be at my side? How I broke his heart by not coming to Jotunheim to live with him after that?”

He took a deep breath, before he continued.

“I’m good at lying but this is ridiculous! Making up stories to cover up why I am not actually living with my caring father? What am I to do, pretend I’ve been living in Jotunheim all this time and just came to Walis to study, I mean, where does that end ….” 

Loki was aware that he was ranting, but he couldn’t stop himself. The roles were reversed now; he was in Bill’s position and Thor was patiently listening. Once he had let off steam and wiped some tears from his eyes (how had they got there?) he made an effort to smile at Thor.

“Thank you.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Thor smiled as well. “I’d love to be in Walis and give you a hug right now, but at the moment skype will have to do.”

“But you’re coming on the weekend right? To see my play?”

“Yes, about that.” Thor’s smile broadened. “I actually wanted to surprise you, but maybe it will cheer you up now. I managed to find someone else to lead practice on Friday and I am going to be there for the premiere.”

“That’s brilliant!” The clouds cleared out of Loki’s head. “You will actually be here? On time?”

“I will come Thursday night, a bit late like last time.”

“Great.” Loki smiled, even though Thor alluded to that awful time when he thought Thor was cheating on him. “Did you tell your mother? Do you have a ticket? I could text Angrboda now ….”

“Relax.” Thor laughed. “I ordered a ticket even before I knew I could get there just to make sure I could definitely get in.”

“I ….” Loki could stop himself before he said “I love you.” This wasn’t the moment. “I appreciate it.”

Thor smiled softly. “I love you Loki.”

“I know.” He felt like a cliché. Who was he, Han Solo? “I better get ready for bed now. I’m so happy you come …. Hang on, that’s tomorrow?”

“Yes.” Thor laughed. “Get some sleep Loki.”

He stuck his tongue out at Thor.

 

Thor woke up when Loki hit him repeatedly on the head. That was somewhat familiar. He opened his eyes reluctantly. "Good morning to you too."

"It's time to get up", Loki informed him. 

Thor groaned. It was 7:15 and he had driven all the way from Thrudheim to Walis the night before, after a full day of work. And with Sigyn in his car who refused to talk to him. He had every right to be exhausted.

"I thought you don't have classes today?"

"I don't, but a play to put on. Now do I get a good morning kiss or not?"

Thor laughed. Sometimes Loki really acted like a little child, but he was too cute with his black hair sticking in every direction and a petulant look on his sharp face. He inched forward and put his arm around him. "Of course you do."

They were still kissing when Frigga cleared her throat at the door.

"Excuse me for not knocking. I didn't expect Thor to be awake."

"He woke me up," Thor complained, feeling a bit childish as well. Loki just looked smug. 

"It's a good thing you're up," Frigga told him. "Go and get yourself in the kitchen and make some breakfast. Sif needs to leave soon, she can lead a gym class for one of my friends, she's already in the shower."

"Why does she even take a shower before she goes to work out?" 

Thor asked rhetorically, but he moved reluctantly away from Loki and got up. He wasn’t quite happy that his mother now considered him grown-up enough to help around the house.

 

Of course he met Sigyn in the kitchen. Wasn't it enough that they had spent two hours in the car together just hours ago? Two very silent hours. At least she had thanked him for the driving her. She had followed that with “I still don’t trust you”, though, and he hadn’t known what to reply. He had attempted to make some small talk from time to time but it always petered out very quickly. He was quickly getting annoyed. 

He forced out a "good Morning" anyway and she responded in kind. Of course she didn't help making breakfast; that would have involved further interaction between them. Thor thus started cooking his mother's oatmeal after he started the coffee machine. Then he tossed all the ingredients for Loki's and Sif's smoothie in the mixer (they shared apparently). 

By the time he was done with that, Sif appeared, thanking him and pulling out her cereal herself. Luckily Sigyn liked it too apparently, so Thor didn't need to ask what she wanted. It felt a bit like a B&B anyway, as he put Sif’s small glass of green smoothie in front of her. Now that the coffee was taken care of, it was time to make tea. Odin didn't drink coffee anymore and Loki also preferred tea. When he was a child Odin wouldn't have accepted any special requests. Now everyone appeared to eat something different.

 

Conversation between Sigyn and Sif was a bit stiff, as Sigyn had no idea why Sif was there and quite obviously still suspected that there was something going on between the two of them. Why he would bring his affair to live in the same household as his boyfriend, was beyond Thor, especially considering that it was his parents' household.

Did Sigyn somehow think he was like some king or god of old who would publicly carry on his affairs while his wife (in this case, boyfriend) had to accept it all (come to think of it, in Greek mythology, Hera didn't accept it). It seemed ludicrous in this day and age in Asgard. 

Sif dashed off as soon as she had eaten, but shortly after that Odin emerged from upstairs. It became a bit weird again when Loki and Frigga came, as both Thor and Sigyn automatically claimed Loki's attention.

 

Loki was glad that he could leave soon after breakfast. He wouldn't be able to help much, but he would be there to oversee the set-up of the stage. They had decided to do it in the morning, as none of them had classes then. He felt like a coward, but the situation with Thor and Sigyn promised to become just as bad as he had feared and he really didn't have the nerves for that right now. As if it wasn't bad enough that they would have the play tonight!

He was much more nervous now than he had been as an actor and he had been bad then. But he had always been confident once he was on stage. Now he would have to remain backstage the entire time and hope that nobody messed up too badly. 

And everyone would be there in the audience. Sigyn, Frigga, Thor, Bill and Sif. Everyone who had been a part of his life since he had moved to Walis. Plus Jane, Thor’s ex-girlfriend. And Heimdall, his therapist. Because Asgard was too bloody small it turned out that he was not only Odin’s schoolmate but also uncle of the student who played Colonel Pickering. Tonight they could be quite sure that it would be a success, the audience seemed to consist mainly of friends and family. 

Once they had done their final check of the stage set-up and most of the others had to go to classes, Thor and Sigyn arrived to keep Loki company, which wasn’t a good idea especially as they were joined by Fenrir. Fenrir distrusted Thor. They sat in the cafeteria, Thor next to Loki with his arm possessively slung around him; Loki didn’t have the heart to tell him to remove it, not with Sigyn sitting close to the other side and having her hand on his arm. Fenrir was opposite Loki, watching Thor while making somewhat stilted conversation with Sigyn. As early as possible Loki whisked Fenrir away to “practice your lines a last time.” He loved being adored but there were limits.

 

Finally, finally, it was 7 pm and the auditorium was full. Loki couldn’t see it from backstage but he heard the increasing level of susurrus. Once he could even make out Thor’s and Odin’s voice. The Borsen men had voices which carried. The play started and there was little to be done now. Angrboda’s accent was passable now, but the same could not be said for Fenrir’s. His Freddy was clearly Asgardian as was Mr. Higgins, of all people. Mr. Higgins was also far too likeable and Freddy too confident. At least the performance of Eliza was flawless, at the last moment the actress had given up the pretence of being Audrey Hepburn. 

Nevertheless, as could be expected from a crowd made up of well-wishers, they got a rousing applause. As the actors made their bows, Angrboda called Loki out. He steeled himself inwardly. Presenting himself on a stage in front of an entire crowd, not in any role and in his wheelchair was terrifying. But his friends were also there, he would just need to concentrate on finding them in the crowd. He drove his wheelchair out and gave a little wave. He soon made out Bill in the crowd (he really was too bloody tall. They had taken care to give him a seat in a corner where he wouldn't obstruct anyone's view.) Next to him were the others and he waved again, this time directly to them. Frigga was busily taking pictures.

 

Thor was nearly bursting with enthusiasm. The play had been great and he knew from his mother that much of it was due to Loki. He had little skill or knowledge when it came to any art form, but he admired both his mother and Loki for their talents. He let his mother discuss the play with Sigyn after the show, as they waited for Loki to come out. He had little to contribute other than that he enjoyed the play and that he knew Loki would be annoyed about the accents and that Mr. Higgins was portrayed too sympathetically. He had heard Loki complain about that actor often enough, so he just assumed that to be the case. 

When he finally did come out, followed by Angrboda and Fenrir, Thor was the first to reach him, and he bent down to hug and kiss him. Loki was grinning when he was released.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Yes, I did. I really did." He kissed him again, ignoring Sigyn, and Bill, and his mother behind him. "You did a great job."

"Thank you." Loki moved himself a bit to the side, so he could also greet the others, but he stayed at Thor's side. Sigyn hugged him for a long time too and kissed his cheeks, and Thor had to repress his jealousy. He might not like Sigyn, but she and Loki really were devoted to each other and had been for a long time. Plus, Sigyn had always been there for him. He moved a bit away from Loki, so Byleistr could also reach his brother. Byleistr had even less sense for art than Thor and it was clear that he barely understood what had been Loki's part in bringing the play on stage, but he was happy because his brother was happy. 

There was nothing more gorgeous than a happy Loki in Thor’s mind. He was already looking forward to spend more time with him during the Yule holidays.


	15. Friends on Facebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor posts pictures on facebook.  
> Loki isn't pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What to do when you're stuck in the middle of a chapter in your thesis?  
> Possibly the answer is, format your bibliography, read a book on the topic etc. but that's not what I did today. Instead I decided to polish and format a short chapter I had alread written.  
> Hope you enjoy.

Frigga and Angrboda had taken a couple of good pictures of Thor and Loki. While Loki had never used Facebook again after the accident (and even before had hardly ever updated his profile) Thor was very active on social media.

Naturally, he asked if he could upload some of those pictures on Facebook (he considered Instagram, but that was too public maybe). Loki’s response had been a bit mixed; he clearly appreciated that Thor wanted to make their relationship public (without the official status on Facebook though; Loki considered that as something too adolescent and Thor had to agree to some extend), on the other hand he also still didn’t like to see pictures of himself in the chair. He finally agreed though. 

So as soon as he was back in Thrudheim Sunday night, Thor posted Frigga’s picture of Loki on the stage, commenting “My Loki taking his deserved round of applause as director of Pygmalion for the Theatre Group of the English Department in Walis” and a second picture taken by Angrboda which showed them together having a drink after Saturday’s performance. Thor has his arm around Loki and Loki’s hand was on Thor’s thigh. Thor thought they looked very sweet together. And the light in the bar accentuated Loki’s cheekbone. Loki looked absolutely stunning. He commented “After the afternoon performance on Saturday – drinks with the theatre group after a great performance under Loki's direction!” 

He really should have known what was coming. And at least make the pictures only visible for a select group of friends rather than his friends plus the large number of vague acquaintances he had added as some point. 

When he opened Facebook on Monday, before work, he found that they had attracted some interest already, even though he uploaded them pretty late. 

Some stupid undergrad whom he barely knew (did he attend football practice at some point? Or was he in one of the large fitness classes?), wrote under the picture of both of them together “Wow, your gay AND your bf is a wheelie?” Who knew if that was meant to be offensive or not. 

A former student, who had been in the football team until he graduated in the summer, wrote, “Never thought youd to go for a disabled artsy guy.” In what world was that comment ok? 

The pictures also got some likes. Fandral just commented “Good to see you both happy.” One of his colleagues wrote “How brave of you!” He generally liked her, but seriously? Brave? 

Some other people also made similar comments, though not quite so obvious. He closed the page feeling thoroughly annoyed.

Of course, the pictures followed him to work, figuratively. They had a meeting in the morning for a last discussion about the schedule in the holidays, which started after Yule. As everything had basically already been decided, it was seriously boring but their boss liked to hear himself speak, that was nothing new. He was good at organizing though. 

When they were finally done, a colleague approached him:

“Is that really your boyfriend? The one on the picture?”

“Yes, it is.”

“He looks a lot like your ex-boyfriend, doesn’t he? I seem to remember this tall, dark fellow?”

He was seriously surprised that Knut would remember a student’s boyfriend from over two years ago.

“Um, it’s the same guy. We split up and just got back together.”

“Oh, it’s just that … um …”

“He had an accident. It was all over the news back then, you remember? The lorry driver had a heart attack. There was this flurry of newspaper articles on health checks for drivers and parliament passed a new law about it.”

“And your boyfriend was paralysed.”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

“And you stayed with him. That is great.”

Thor felt himself blush. “Actually …. Our relationship ended shortly after that accident. But Loki moved in with my parents, so …”

“Oh, um, I see ….” Knut was clearly getting out of his depth, what had started as small talk had devolved into something else. Thor forced one of his large smiles.

“Never mind, I need to get going.”

Knut said his goodbyes with relief, but not as much relief as Thor.

The rest of the day went on like that. 

Some guys on his team recognized Loki from before and the younger ones as “that guy in the wheelchair in Thrudheim” and correctly guessed that Thor had stayed in Walis after the game less to visit his parents and more to get closer to Loki. Thor told the team that they were there to practice not discuss his private life. 

At the end of the practice he overheard the goalkeeper telling one of the centre-backs that "It must be so odd - can they even have sex?" The centre-back, who was damn lucky he was such a good player, just laughed and shook his head. 

He nearly lost himself and shouted at them, but he was interrupted by the team captain who asked him a question. 

If he hoped Loki wouldn’t find out, he was disappointed. He had forgotten that years ago he had added Sigyn on Facebook. And of course Sigyn told Loki. 

He should probably be happy that she just told Loki and refrained from making a nasty public comment.

“Do you want me to publicly explain what happened? I mean, that I couldn’t cope and was a cold-hearted bastard?”

“You weren’t cold-hearted, just cowardly. Which made you cruel ….” 

Loki frowned in that cute way of his when he realised he had gone off track. 

“Anyway, no, please don’t. I also told Sigyn to refrain from making any comments.”

“That obviously suits me, but why? I’d have thought you were even angrier than me about those comments?”

“I am.”

“And they hurt you.” Thor sighed, reading the signs all too easily. Loki scowled, but finally nodded slightly.

“They were to be expected though. Wouldn’t you have thought or even written the same thing before this summer?”

“Probably,” Thor admitted reluctantly. “But mainly because I would have felt guilty for being too cowardly.”

“Which kind of implies that you are brave now. Do you feel brave for being with me?”

“What, no! No, of course not. Where did that come from?”

“You were a coward and now you’re not. Maybe you should be praised and be proud of yourself.”

“Do you believe that?” 

It was meant to be defensive, while he scrambled together words that would convince Loki that no, he was just doing what any decent human being in love does. But unfortunately, thanks to the invention of the webcam, he could see that he hit home.

Loki did his best to conceal it, but the hurt on his face was unmistakable. 

“Oh Loki, please ….. don’t.”

“I don’t,” Loki insisted, but it was rather weak, considering how well Loki could act. “But it is harder, isn’t it? We can’t be together like before anymore ….”

“Is this still about the sex issue?”

Loki’s nod was barely discernible. “I’ve discussed it …. some … with my doctor. And my physiotherapist.”

“That’s great.” Thor tried to smile encouragingly. “We will work something out; you’re hardly the first tetraplegic to have sex, it’s not like we need to reinvent the wheel.”

“But it’s not the same as before.”

“Obviously. Let’s just see what happens. Once you’re ready.”

“Are you ready?”

“We’re talking about me having sex with you. Yes, I’m ready.”

Loki laughed a bit. “Oaf. You know what I mean. My body is different, there is that stupid catheter …. I mean to learn self-cathetering at some point but …”

“You’re getting off track again. And you need to remember that I had time to think about it.”

"I guess." Loki looked down, never a good sign. Thor made his voice as cheerful as possible.

"We're basically approaching this as if we are still virgins. So it will probably be awkward and not so great at first but get better with practice."

Loki looked up again and smiled slightly.

"I wish I had your optimism."

"I think in this case I'm realistic." He smiled at Loki. "Come on, you still have a couple of performances to worry about. And then there's Yule. We'll actually have more than a weekend together. We'll cuddle and we kiss and we worry about the rest later."

"That won't work forever."

"It works for now. And I'll tell everyone to shut up." He set his jaw and Loki laughed at him.

"Your battle-ready face is adorable. Good luck with that."

Thor considered what to do but couldn’t come up with anything. When he came home the next evening, a picture in the hallway, one of the group pictures they had taken in the climbing hall, gave him the inspiration. He let himself fall onto the couch and called Pepper’s number, before he even took time to prepare dinner. Pepper was Sigyn's friend so she probably hated him too, even though she was always polite to him. But she had helped Tony several times when he blundered on social media, which made her the only expert he knew (apart from his father whom he didn’t want to bother with this). The phone rang several times, before Pepper picked up.

"Virginia Potts." So she didn't even have his number saved.

"Hi. It's Thor."

"Thor?" Her surprise was evident. "To what do I owe this honour?"

Definitely influenced by Sigyn. "Actually, I wanted to ask you for a favour."

"Shoot."

"Well, did you see the pictures I posted and the comments on Facebook?"

"Yes, I did. Loki won't be pleased." Her voice was still distant. Thor grimaced, even though she couldn’t see it.

"He isn't. Sigyn told him and he logged onto Facebook to see for himself."

"I still don't see how that is connected to me?"

"It's not. But, um, you helped Tony out of so many embarrassing situations, you were the only one I could think of who could help me decide what I should post in response." He really was getting better at humility. There was a slight pause, then Pepper answered in a more friendly tone of voice.

"Do you think you should post something?"

"Yes." 

He told her about how discussions of his private life had taken over the sport's section of the university. Pepper sighed audibly, but didn't appear to be surprised. 

She agreed to listen to his ideas, and together they came up with a text. 

As soon as they were done, he opened his laptop. He logged on and wrote:

"Yesterday I posted two pictures of my boyfriend because I was so happy for him that his first go as a director went well and I actually had fun attending the play. I did not post pictures of him to draw attention to the fact that he’s in a wheelchair. And I certainly did not post them for people to admire or pity me for being in a relationship with him. Being with the person I love doesn’t make me ‘great.’ If I want to hear how great I am, I'll post pictures of my own competitions. And if you think that there is something odd or even disgusting about being with the man I love, grow up. Thank you for reading."

The bit about posting pictures of himself when he wanted to be told he was great was Pepper's. He had never been very good at making fun of himself. The "thank you for reading" was her contribution too.

It was the longest text he had ever written on Facebook and the most confrontational. He had always stayed superficial on there and never entered any ideological or political arguments, nor did he search to initiate them by posting his opinions. 

This was something different though; his thoughtless actions had once again hurt Loki. And the comments had also hurt him personally, although he took it as something he somewhat deserved. 

When he logged back on after he had shovelled some sandwiches into himself, he saw that, as promised, Pepper liked his status immediately, followed by Tony whom she had "convinced" to do so too. 

Tony even commented with "Right! Don't let anyone sour things between you two. You're a great couple." Not as vocal as was usually expected from Tony, but it was something. 

A bit to his surprise, Sigyn liked his status a bit later and wrote "Yes". Whatever that meant. 

Pepper must have recruited her too. Much to his surprise, when he logged back on later, Loki had personally liked his status but hadn’t commented. 

“Don’t tell me you came up with that text yourself”, Loki greeted him when he called him later in the evening. Thor chuckled a bit embarrassed.

“No. I had Pepper to help me. Was it all right?”

“Yes.” A little pause. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, although I wrote it because I was angry myself.” Some of his anger came back and he balled his fist. Luckily Loki couldn’t see that.

Loki smiled, then a crease appeared between his brows.

“You know you would not have reacted differently a few months ago.”

Thor rubbed his face.

“Do we need to rehash that every time? I was wrong.”

“Yes.” Loki sighed. “Anyway, I hope that shuts up your colleagues.”

“And the students.” Thor scowled. “Maybe it will even help them to grow up.”

“Then you’ve done your job as a teacher.”

Thor laughed and grinned. “Sports instructor and coach. Not teacher. I’m not sure I could handle the responsibility.”

“You’re getting there.” Loki suddenly smiled at him with one of his rare truly sincere smiles and Thor’s heart fluttered in his chest. “You’re incredibly stupid sometimes, but slowly you’re becoming only incredible.”

“Not as much as you,” Thor said softly. He knew his smile was ridiculously gooey right now but Loki just kept smiling and they spent the next several moments to adore each other through the webcam.

Once they ended the call, though, Thor buried his face in his hands. There was still such a long way to go until they would both feel comfortable with this. He knew it would be worth it in the end, but it dampened the joy he would usually have felt at the prospect of Yule combined with several days of Loki.


	16. Advent

Loki was in an exceptionally good mood in the week before Yule. True, the stupid comments by Thor’s friends, teammates and colleagues had driven him into a bad mood temporarily. But Thor had reassured him and he had written a public defence. Loki had even signed into Facebook again just to like it. 

Yes, Thor should have made those pictures more private. On the other hand, he had also proven that he was willing to make his relationship public. 

Even Loki could not find any way to twist this around so that he could still believe that Thor might be ashamed of him. Thor had pretty much destroyed that worry. And he actually liked the picture from the bar. He had already ordered a print, so he could put it up in his room. He could be cautiously optimistic about this. 

There was still this huge stumbling stone that was their eventual intimacy, but maybe Thor was right and they would manage quite well.

 

The play also went quite well. Student performances were hardly ever a huge success, not that many other students wanted to come to watch a play and nobody else really knew about it or would be interested. But they had sold extra tickets after the first weekend, which they optimistically interpreted as a sign that their play had been recommended.

Emma, the instructor who put Loki into contact with the group and was formally responsible for them, complimented them on a job well done. And another student Loki had never talked to in his drama class, also came up to him and told him that he enjoyed the play. That was nice. 

Instead of a student paper, the English department had a student blog which put up a review of the play including the names of all in the theatre group. So his name was on the internet in connection with a play.

 

On the Saturday of their final performance, Loki took some time to relax with Fenrir behind the school, once they made sure that their stage was still set up as it should (at this point, they considered it a real possibility that some bumbling fool in the school would just take it off, without checking the booking schedule. They had booked two entire days just so they could actually leave everything there). To their relief, all their stuff was untouched however. 

“So you’re not going to Jotunheim?” Fenrir asked, as Loki had just talked about spending Yule with Thor.

“No, Bill and I can’t be bothered. Our family is pretty much as awful as you describe yours. My father and Helblindi never once even came to visit me in hospital, or after.”

“Your father and who?”

“Helblindi. My elder brother is called Helblindi, he’s working for my father in Jotunheim.”

“That’s funny. I was born as Hel. It’s as if my parents ran out of syllables once they named Jormungandr.”

“Isn’t Hel a girl’s name?”

“Yes, of course?”

Loki looked at Fenrir. Fenrir grinned suddenly.

“You mean you didn’t notice?”

The penny dropped. “You’re trans?”

Fenrir laughed a little. “Yes. I’m sorry, I still can’t believe that people don’t notice, I only transitioned this summer, before university started. But Jorre said that I never looked much like a girl. I was never pretty and always quite broad. I’m quite privileged, considering.”

Out of lack of an appropriate response, Loki brought up his too confident portrayal of Freddy again and Fenrir laughingly admitted that he might have to hone his acting skills a bit more. When the conversation turned more general, it turned out that he might see quite a lot of Fenrir and Jorre in the holidays; they didn’t plan on spending much time with their family, but their dorm was closed until mid-January. Angrboda, who would spend much of her holidays in Jotunheim, had offered them her room in her shared house.

 

Thor wasn’t pleased about that when Loki told him that in the evening.

“That boy doesn’t like me and I don’t even know why,” he complained. “If he lives just a few houses down the road I won’t have you for myself. He will probably come as soon as he sees that everyone has left, little watchdog that he is.”

Loki laughed. “He’d probably try but you can’t see our house that well from theirs, so you should be safe.”

“Did you tell him the entire story? Is that why he doesn’t like me?”

“I might have hinted at it,” Loki admitted.

“That explains some.”

“Also, his mother was a paraplegic and his father sort of abandoned the family because of it.”

“Shit.”

“Yes.”

Thor was quiet so Loki sighed. “I told Fenrir several times that he doesn’t need to mistrust you.”

“I must seem like his father to him. I did the same thing.”

“And then you came back.”

“I did.” Thor rubbed his face. “But still. I did that.”

“I know. I was there.”

Thor’s crestfallen look gave a stab right into Loki’s heart. It still hurt when he thought about that incident in the hospital; but would they ever be able to move beyond it?

 

Loki was glad that he had a final session with Heimdall before the New Year. He knew he had profited enormously from therapy, but now with his relationship to Thor, he just appreciated it that much more that he had someone neutral to talk about. Someone who didn’t hate Thor (Sigyn, Fenrir), wasn’t his mother (Frigga) or his friend who owed him (Sif) or whom he didn’t trust (everyone else). He told Heimdall about his talk with Thor.

“And do you often talk about that? That he abandoned you in hospital?”

“It does come up often enough, yes.”

“And does that seem healthy to you?”

“I suppose not, no.”

Predictably, Heimdall told him to discuss this with Thor. Why did he even bother with therapy, when he knew what Heimdall would say anyway?

 

Loki decided that he would talk to Thor about that when they saw each other over Yule. Even with webcams and all that, it seemed to be a topic which was better broached when they were actually in the same room. Thor arrived on the 23rd in the morning. 

He would have come the evening before after work, but they all told him he didn’t need to and Frigga added, that he really shouldn’t. It had alternated between freezing rain and snow on the 22nd and they predicted icy on the roads. It was certainly wiser to wait a bit.

 

Loki insisted on going to bed early on the 23rd, he could already see that this was the only way he could have a private conversation with Thor in the crowded house. Thor joined him on the bed as soon as they were alone and snuggled close.

“Are you okay? This is rather early?”

“I wanted to talk to you in private.”

“Oh?” Thor seemed a bit anxious. Really, where was his overconfident boyfriend from back in Thrudheim?

“Yes, about … about our past actually.”

“Oh,” Thor repeated and pushed himself away from Loki a little bit. “You mean … how I ended it?”

“Sort of, yes. I know you feel very guilty, and while I admit that you have reason to do so ….”

Thor looked crestfallen, a look that didn’t suit him at all. Loki put his hand gently on Thor’s waist, as he pressed on.

“Look, we all know it wasn’t the nicest thing you could have done, but we can’t let it keep interfering in what is now.”

“That doesn’t sound like you at all.” 

Thor seemed confused now and it was adorable. Loki smiled, showing his teeth.

“You underestimate me. I was annoyed when we circled back to that last week, when we talked about your pictures. It’s getting on my nerves, this constant thing with you feeling guilty and me reassuring you. And then I talked about it with Heimdall and he agreed, that we can’t move forward if, and I quote him here, ‘Thor is always in the position of having to be grateful for being allowed a second chance and always feels on probation and it is not healthy for you,’ that is me, ‘for you to be in the position of power, the one who can end every argument by pulling the card of having been hurt.’ And I assume he is right. It feels safer that way, but it just doesn’t work.”

“Hmm …” Thor moved a bit closer again. “I just can’t switch off feeling guilty, you know. And, to be honest, you don’t quite see it that way, do you? You still feel that because you are in a wheelchair, you can’t give enough as a boyfriend.”

Loki screwed his eyes shut. Thor was brutal with his honesty sometimes, without meaning to. He forced himself to give a short nod in the interest of honesty. He still didn’t know why Thor would want to be with him again. That’s why Thor’s guilt made him feel safe. It gave him some feeling of superiority. Thor gently combed through his hair know, his voice very soft.

“And I know that this partly my fault. My stupid words in the hospital. I was your first boyfriend and I told you that because you were tetraplegic I couldn’t accept you as my boyfriend anymore. What I said then, that you weren’t you anymore, that was not true, my love. I couldn’t see it, but it wasn’t true. You changed since then, but for the better, as I hope I have.”

Loki sighed. “It’s not only your fault. There’s also my father. He might never have loved me, but I always sought his approval. That’s why I didn’t study drama, and that’s why I took economics as my minor, along with Asgardian and English. I haven’t seen him once since the accident. Not once. He only called when he needed something.”

He forced his tears down. This wasn’t going to be about Laufey. 

“And anyway, we always seem to pretend that I’m a much better person than you. I think we both know that it’s not true. I can’t guarantee that I’d have reacted differently.”

“You would have. Maybe your first impulse would have been the same, but contrary to me, I believe you’d have listened to those around you. Sigyn might not like me, but she would have pushed you to do the right thing.”

“True.” Loki laughed. “I mean it though. I’ve said I’ve forgiven you and we should start acting like it.”

“You never actually said, you’ve forgiven me.”

“It was implied.” 

Silence descended for a while, with Thor continuing to softly massage Loki’s head. It had become his weak spot. Then Thor bent forward to kiss his nose.

“It will be difficult to leave all those doubts behind us. We both think we are unworthy of this.”

“I guess.” Loki looked at the ceiling. “If it helps, I believe I would have driven you away later anyway, even if you hadn’t broken up with me. Ask your mother or Sigyn. I wasn’t a pleasant patient those first few months and I’d have mistrusted you.”

“That’s all speculation though. Maybe you would have been more pleasant if …”

“And that’s why we shouldn’t talk about that for now,” Loki interrupted him. “You spiral yourself into guilt, and I am also a master at that. It’s not like we’re making any progress that way.”

“Point taken. You’ve become wise, my dear.” Thor leant forward and captured Loki’s lip into a kiss. “We need to move beyond what happened, even if it is hard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rereading this, the bit with Fenrir reads really like Tokenism. I considered deleting it, but that would have made the chapter so short.  
> The reason Fenrir was born as Hel is simply that I realised at some point that I had characters named after Loki's mythological sons, but none after his daughter. And then I suddenly thought that just because somebody was born as "Hel", doesn't mean that character identifies as a woman. And tada, Fenrir became a trans character. He wasn't meant as a token "look I included a minority" character, just as an explanation for the lack of "Hel."


	17. Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holidays - Thor and Loki finally have some more time to spend together.  
> Also, this is the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! A bit premature for Christmas, but I thought it would be sort of silly to wait for December or even Christmas to post this chapter.

As Bill would join them on the 25th, it was decided that they would wait with exchanging presents until then (Frigga decided and Odin complied). Thor (grumbled a bit about traditions but gave in. They decorated the tree with some help from Loki. He could grab some of the bigger decorations with his hands and the others with his grabbing tool.

However, after he had demonstrated that to his satisfaction, he retired to Frigga’s side to help her give the other two men and Sif instructions. Three people were really enough for the manual labour.

Frigga had already decorated the rest of the house lavishly; she had brought out all the different things she had weaved for the season, and little themed blankets, cushions and tablecloths were all over the house. Even Loki now slept under a blanket adorned with the large image of a tree. 

Thor got a second blanket when he arrived, matching the tree with an entire little forest. He had not even batted his eyes, evidently used to his mother’s little Yuletime quirks.

 

They enjoyed a very nice dinner in the evening of the 24th and played board games (Thor moved Loki’s pawns and was soundly beaten). It was the most relaxing Yule evening Loki had ever had. The previous year in Walis, the strain of Thor’s refusal to come for more than the afternoon of the 25th had hampered the mood, the year before that he was in hospital, and before that …. 

Well, the Ymirsens were not known for their harmonious and joyful family celebrations. Once they were older, Bill and Loki usually tried to get away as soon as possible (Bill had had his first beer on the 25th of the year he turned 16, when Loki had dragged him to the pub. Bill had already been so tall and broad, that the barkeeper didn’t even ask for his ID. He had asked for Loki’s, much to Bill’s delight). 

Sitting in Frigga’s living room and beating Thor and Sif in any game, was much better. Frigga observed them, obviously amused, but she concentrated on her crochet. While she still loved weaving, she had recently decided to pick up some other crafts as well.

 

On the 25th Bill came over and he and Thor managed to act civilly during dinner, which obviously pleased Loki and Frigga. They sat on both sides of Loki, but at some point they actually started about supplementing and weight training (of which Thor did very little these days, he preferred alternative ways, Bill was interested, Loki was bored but also pleased that they finally managed to bond a little bit over their shared obsession with exercise). 

 

Thor watched a bit nervously as Loki unwrapped his present. He could just hope that he got right. He had gone to a calligrapher to rewrite Loki’s favourite sonnet with male pronouns and put it in a beautiful frame. Relief flooded through him when Loki laughed in delight and read it for everyone:

Men call you fayre, and you doe credit it,  
For that your selfe ye dayly such doe see:  
But the trew fayre, that is the gentle wit,  
And vertuous mind, is much more praysd of me.  
For all the rest, how ever fayre it be,  
Shall turne to naught and loose that glorious hew:  
But onely that is permanent and free  
From frayle corruption, that doth flesh ensew.  
That is true beautie: that doth argue you  
To be divine, and borne of heavenly seed:  
Deriv'd from that fayre Spirit, from whom all true  
And perfect beauty did at first proceed.  
He onely fair, and what He fayre hath made,  
All other fayre, lyke flowres untymely fade. 

Bill laughed too. “I’d hardly call Loki’s wit ‘gentle’.”

“I did consider changing it to ‘sharp’,” Thor admitted, grinning. “But I’m no good with poetry, I wasn’t sure if that would mess the poem up.”

“It would,” Loki assured him. “It would have messed up the metre and the line would be a syllable short.”

“Well, I’m glad I didn’t then.”

“You could have used biting,” his mother told him.

Loki ignored them and moved to give Thor a hug so Thor ignored his mother too and took the opportunity to give Loki a kiss. A little “click” told them that this moment would be recorded for ever, courtesy of the new SLR camera Odin had given Frigga for Yule. Loki smirked when he pulled back and Thor felt his own smile stretching his face. This was perfect. Bill cleared his throat.

“We also have presents for Loki.”

They quickly got back to exchanging presents. Loki felt that his own present for Thor would necessarily fall short now. 

 

On the 26th Frigga, Odin and Thor departed to Vanaheim to spend two days with Frigga’s sister. Freya had offered that her family come and stay in a hotel, but considering that they were four people and the house was already crowded, that idea was quickly abandoned. Loki was relieved. 

Thor had gone with his own car, as Odin and Frigga considered staying two nights, but he would only spend one. Thor also drove Sif to the airport to she could fly to Aijekedauge in the North to join her friend Ravdna and Ravdna’s husband Horagalles. 

In the evening, Loki had invited Fenrir and Jorre to come over; predictably they had already returned to Walis. Fenrir called the event “Lost boys Yule”. They played some more board games, before Loki encouraged them to switch to video games. He couldn’t play himself anymore, but he enjoyed watching them.

 

Loki and Thor had their first fight in their renewed relationship over New Year’s Eve. Thor (and, technically, Loki) had an invitation to Tony’s huge party as well as the option to go and get drunk with his teammates of the Rugby team. He had opted to stay in Walis instead. Loki was technically happy about that. What he wasn’t happy about was that Thor insisted that they should go downtown to watch the fireworks or go to a party organized by Narfi from the theatre club, where Fenrir and Jorre would be.

“I could be in Thrudheim, you know. Tony is throwing a huge party and Fandral is going to be there and Hogun and ….everyone”, Thor bit out, glaring at Loki. Loki shrugged and smiled disdainfully.

“Then go and run to your friends!”

“Maybe I will!”

“Fine!”

Thor got up and with a last glare at Loki he left the room. Loki heard the front door being opened and closed.

 

One hour later, there was a knock on the door which could only be Thor’s. He looked very contrite when he came in after Loki invited him. 

“I’m sorry Loki.”

Loki sighed and beckoned Thor to join him on the bed. Thor sat down next to him a bit hesitantly.

“I didn’t mean to start a fight.”

“Me neither.” Loki rubbed his face. “Maybe you really should go back to Thrudheim to celebrate there. I wouldn’t hold it against you.”

“No. I have go back on the second anyway, I want to spend my time here with you.” Thor looked genuinely upset. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, no I don’t.” Loki could feel his heart beating faster. He pushed himself up into a semi-sitting position, so he could face Thor a bit better. 

That meant he couldn’t touch Thor, because he needed to support himself, but he felt closer anyway. “I didn’t mean that Thor.”

“Then why do you suggest that I leave?”

“Only for the one night.” Loki sighed. “Apparently we can’t celebrate New Year’s Eve and both be happy. I won’t go downtown, there are far too many people for my liking, you know that. I always hated crowds anyway, and now that I’m in a wheelchair and thus only at chest level to most of the people around me, it is just worse, plus there are going to be some idiots lighting fireworks in the middle of the crowd, that’s just – no. I won’t do it. And as for Narfi's party …”

“Yes? I’d thought you would like to go. Those are your friends.”

“Friends is really stretching it. There’s going to be a huge crowd and again, I hate crowds. There’s going to be a bunch of undergrads getting drunk and rowdy and they think because it’s New Year’s Eve they can just act whichever way they like.”

Thor sighed. “I think you exaggerate, but yeah, I remember that you always hated crowds. We’ll have to find something else.”

“I was serious, Thor, we don’t need to celebrate together.”

Thor bent forward and dared to give him a tiny peck on the nose.

“I’ll remember that next year. This is my first year back with you and I want to celebrate the beginning of the New Year with you.”

 

In the end, they went to Jane’s house. Jane didn’t like parties and being the workaholic she was, she fully planned on being in the office on the first. When Thor had told her about his New Year's Eve troubles, she had invited him to come to her place, although she warned him that her intern, Darcy, would also be there and Darcy was someone you had to get used to. But Jane assured them that one could see the firework’s over the bay very well from her balcony and considering that she lived in a loft in a building with a lift, there would be not problems for Loki. He had agreed to come. 

 

After dinner they watched some Disney movies they all remembered from their childhood; Loki was laying on Jane's couch with his head in Thor's lap. Thor gently massaged his head, and Loki was soon lost in his blissful feelings. Jane and Darcy were sitting on the floor, apparently very comfortably and shared popcorn. Loki had tuned out Darcy shortly after the evening began, but Thor was still confused by her random comments, she shot up at them.

At 12 the raised their glasses, and only Darcy’s had alcohol in it. Thor kissed Loki after proclaiming enthusiastically that 2014 had been great but 2015 would be greater. Jane had nearly laughed too much to take a picture. The official fireworks would start at quarter past; the whole thing was set to music, which was played on the radio. 

Loki couldn’t get onto the balcony in his chair, but the view from the window was nearly as good and Thor stayed there with him, his arms wrapped around Loki. The fireworks were stunning; Thor predictably enough, liked the smiley faces that shot up, while Loki loved the dramatic balls of golden light which drizzled down like molten gold (Thor said he had always been too poetic). They drove home shortly after the fireworks were over. Thor snuggled up to Loki a bit once they were in bed and kissed his nose.

“I enjoyed the evening.”

“Me too.” Loki sighed, and closed his eyes.

 

Frigga and Odin were already gone for the day when they woke up. Loki was very apprehensive about letting Thor help him in the morning. 

“They always say that you shouldn’t let partners become carers,” he complained as Thor got up. Thor rolled his eyes.

“It’s only for this morning. You should have thought about that before you told my mother it was okay.”

“Yes, I know.” Loki hated how small he sounded and Thor apparently shared the sentiment. He crawled back into bed, gathered Loki in his arms, and kissed him gently on the cheek.

“Look, if it is too uncomfortable for you to let me do it I could call my mother or Byleistr. It’s up to you. I was kind of looking forward to the shower, but it’s entirely up to you.”

Loki felt a bit stupid. “I feel stupid,” he therefore mumbled into the crook of Thor’s neck. Thor smoothed his hair.

“No, you’re not stupid. You’re very clever. So, what do we do now? Cuddle some more? Shall I call someone?”

“Cuddle and then get on with it.” Loki hid his face even more in Thor’s neck. He was afraid. He was still afraid that Thor would take one good look at his naked body and run. 

Thor soon disconnected himself however to let Loki start on his stretches.

“I really need to get new pyjamas,” Loki remarked once that was done. 

“I think the flannel is sort of charming.” 

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. It’s cute because it’s so ugly.” Thor opened the first few buttons of it and quickly kissed his shoulder as it was bared. Loki swatted him away.

“I don’t need that much help with undressing.”

“But I’m undressing you for the first time since … well you know.”

Loki laughed despite himself, but let Thor get on with it. He still felt very self-conscious. He knew, technically, that Thor had seen him in his swimming trunks and had got glimpses of him semi-naked, as he sometimes let Thor stay in the room now when Frigga got him ready, but this was a bit different. He was hyperaware of every scar on his body. The stoma where his supra pubic catheter went in. And of his skinny legs. 

But Thor’s gaze didn’t dwell on them. He got Loki undressed quite efficiently after all and just occasionally kissed his shoulder or chest.

 

Once they were in the bathroom it was Thor who looked a bit shy.

“Is it ok if I undress too? I just really want to take a shower with you, not just help you.”

“Sure.” 

Loki was not sure if this was a good idea actually, this took things to a new level, but on the other hand, they got the house to themselves. What better time to do this? Also, while he thought that his body was a wreck, Thor still looked like a god. That wasn’t a bad thing to see up close. 

Thor divested himself of his clothes quickly now, proving Loki’s point. He smiled as he bent down to kiss Loki, before Loki wheeled himself into the shower.

 

Loki looked at Thor’s crotch. “You’re hard?”

“I am naked with you.” Thor sounded a bit defensive.

“And you’re thinking sexy thoughts?”

“Evidently.”

Loki’s mischievous streak suppressed his embarrassment. He smirked up to Thor.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

 

Once they were both dressed again and in the living room, Thor bent down and showered Loki’s head with kisses.

“I love you so much, you have no idea.”

“I might.” Loki felt the corners of his mouth lift into an impossibly amused smile. “What brought that feeling on now?”

“You obviously.” Thor played with some strands of Loki’s hair. “That was so typically Loki in the shower, I nearly came when you just smirked at me like that.”

Loki laughed, feeling very affectionate himself, so he bent forward and nuzzled Thor’s waist. 

“It was a nice way to conclude your holidays, wasn’t it?”

“And start the New Year,” Thor agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Poem is "Sonnet 79" from the Amoretti by Edmund Spenser. He is one of my favourite poets! (I love Shakespeare's plays, but I really prefer Spenser's and Sidney's sonnets to his). I chose to use an old spelling version, just because he used such old fashioned language even for his time.
> 
> This was not where I originally wanted to end the story, there are technically four more chapters nearly finished which would have taken them to the end of Loki's first term, but I took a wrong turn somewhere and have become very frustrated with this story. Whenever I tried to change something, I lost readers, indicating that I had in fact just made it worse, then I noticed something else that was wrong with the story, tried to fix it, and promptly lost more readers which told me that I just succeeded in messing up even more badly, and it became a bit of a downward spiral. In German that is called "verschlimmbessern" (making something worse by correction.) I realised that facing the task to finish the last chapters felt more like a chore than a pleasure, I began dreading to even see the document on my computer. This should be a hobby and there also didn't seem to be much of a point anyway. So I made some changes to this chapter to make it semi-suitable as a final chapter for those one or two readers still hanging on and decided to put my energy into other stories and story ideas. 
> 
> Thank you to those who made it to the end! This was the second fanfiction I ever wrote in English and the first one I published in 8 years and possibly the first long story in 12 years I actually finished so I am a bit proud of it nevertheless.


End file.
